Previous Episode Next Episode 

36Quotes from ‘The Motel Guest’

Schitt's Creek: The Motel Guest

211. The Motel Guest

Aired March 15, 2016

A loud guest in the adjacent motel room disrupts the Rose family, prompting marital bickering between Johnny and Moira. Meanwhile, Alexis considers renting a place of her own.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: You didn't hear us last night?
Roland: Nope.
Johnny: Banging away?
Roland: Now, whatever you and the missus do after hours, that's your business, not mine.
Johnny: On the walls, Roland, with our fists!
Roland: And if you're into that kind of stuff, that doesn't bother me at all.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, there's a woman in here who couldn't afford a Persian rug, so she painted one on her tiled floor. The magazine is celebrating her ingenuity!
Johnny: Well, it sounds like a creative solution.
Moira: A creative solution would be a lobotomy to make one forget they like nice things. It's all so bleak.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh, okay, okay. I think I know what all the hesitation is about. Yes, someone did take their own life in this space, but the good news is, we've replaced the ceiling fan, it's now a break-away model. And to answer your question, yes, there is parking. Uh, oh, and they also allow cats.

Quote from David

David: There's a collection of undershirts hang drying outside of my room. Um, is there any way they could be removed, or is there like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I'm not aware of?

Quote from Ray

Ray: As you can see, it's light and breezy. And by breezy, I mean there's a slight but steady draft I'm told you only notice in the winter.

Quote from David

[As Melissa Manchester's "Don't Cry Out Loud" plays, loudly:]
Johnny: David, could you turn that down, please?
David: [o.s.] As if you think that's what I listen to!

Quote from Johnny

Alexis: [o.s.] Stop yelling!
Johnny: I'm trying to turn the music down!
David: [o.s.] Stop banging on the wall!
Moira: David, stop yelling at your father!
Johnny: Hello?!
Alexis: [o.s.] Why is everybody screaming?!
Moira: Alexis, enough!
Johnny: The music's too loud!
David: [o.s.] Then get them to turn it down!
Johnny: Well, that's what I'm trying to do!
Moira: [anguished scream]

Quote from Moira

Moira: John. John! John, do you have any idea what a terrible night's sleep does to one's face?
Johnny: What, you couldn't sleep?
Moira: How could I sleep with that noise?!
Johnny: What noise? They turned it off.
Moira: No, you- You just fell asleep, and stayed asleep with no regard for my well being. Now my eyes are puffy.
Are they puffy?
Johnny: No, they look like they usually look, Moira.
Moira: So now my eyes are usually puffy!
Johnny: Oh, Moira, they're fine!
Moira: These bags are like gypsy caravans, packed to the brim!

Quote from David

David: What's going on over here? Let me see that. What is this? "Charming studio apartment for rent in lower SC." What's "lower SC?" I thought this town was just one long street.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I am thinking about getting a place. I have some money coming in, and it's just It's not really a cute look to be this age, and live at home. No offence, David.
David: Okay, it's not like I have a lot of say in the matter.
Alexis: M'kay well, you're a full grown man, who's much older than me, living at home. So it's just a little bit embarrassing.

Quote from Stevie

David: Mmm, "available immediately." I wonder if you could move out tonight?
Alexis: Uh no, because I'm gonna be using my half of the room as a guest bedroom.
Stevie: Ooh, better yet, you could sublet it. I'm sure there's plenty of vagrants looking for temporary housing.

Quote from Stevie

Alexis: Speaking of which, David, I'm gonna need you to come and look at the apartment with me.
David: [imitating Alexis] Okay, why would I do that?
Alexis: Because David, as an attractive, single female, I don't feel comfortable going to look at an apartment by myself!
David: Well, what if the person who's showing you the apartment is like, a super cute single real estate guy?
Stevie: Mmm, that person doesn't exist in this town.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: I couldn't help but notice that you seemed a little sad sack-y today.
Johnny: Sad sack-y? Well, maybe that's because your husband is occupying the room next to us at the motel.
Jocelyn: I thought he might end up there. That's where we had our honeymoon. Had a lot of great times in that room.
Johnny: I don't think this is one of them. He was playing "Don't Cry Out Loud", loud at two in the morning.
Jocelyn: I'm so sorry. [laughs] It's our wedding song. It was actually the first song that we ever made...
Johnny: Okay, I really don't need the details on that.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh, and there's a lovely window here through which you can see all of the town. The cafe, the garage, a tree of some kind just, uh, over there.

Quote from David

Alexis: This is cute, right? I think this is super cute.
David: Wait, is it [mocking Alexis] cute? 'Cause I know that it's light, and spacious, and airy in here, but I just wasn't sure if it was cute.
Ray: Oh, it's cute.

Quote from David

David: What's the rent?
Ray: Uh, they want $275, but I think they're dreaming.
David: A week?
Ray: No, no, no, a month. But again, I think we can talk them down.
David: Wait, $275 a month for this? That's cheaper than my P.O. Box in New York.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh? Oh? You wanna drop the gloves? Let's drop the gloves, Roland. You are an emotionally stunted, self absorbed man-child. You lord this counterfeit power of yours over others like a schoolyard bully.
Roland: Okay, well you're a phony baloney blowhard, who's desperately scared of being thought of as a regular person.
Moira: I used to be a regular person.
Roland: You're just a stuck up pencil skirt with clown makeup, and a janitor's mop on your head.
Moira: You are an inexplicably cocky imbecile. Your marriage is as blighted as this town, and you have no one to blame but yourself!
Roland: Whoa.
Moira: Oh.
Roland: Well, hold on.
Moira: I went too far.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: [talking over music] I thought you said Jocelyn came back to make up!
Johnny: She did! That happens to be their wedding song.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Seriously though, would you wanna live in a house where someone killed themselves?
David: I could almost guarantee you that someone's killed themselves in this room.
Alexis: Ew, David!

Quote from Roland

Roland: Okay look, Johnny, unless you have a warrant, okay? Jocelyn and I are gonna be shutting our door now.
Johnny: Jocelyn?
Roland: Okay, that's fine.

Quote from Moira

Moira: So you think Jocelyn's at the root of this?
Johnny: Yeah, well, I think obviously they they they they had a they had a fight, Moira.
Moira: You know, I just don't know how she puts up with him. And now he's living next door. I've never pretended to like this motel, but at least it provided a buffer between us, and those people!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh God, this is the last thing we need, John. We're barely hanging on as it is!
Johnny: Well, what does that mean, Moira? "We're barely hanging on?!"
Moira: I mean living in a space this limited, is trying enough on a marriage without having Roland wallowing next door. This is going to bring us to a breaking point!

Quote from Moira

Moira: In a room this tiny, we've just got to ignore the little irritants of the other, or you'd go insane!
Johnny: Little irritants? What, uh- What little irritants? I have little irritants?
Moira: Yes, we all do. Peccadilloes, cloying habits.
Johnny: Like what, for instance?
Moira: All right, John. I- I drink a little too much tea sometimes.
Johnny: And that's it for you? You, uh- You drink tea?
Moira: Well, it calms me, so I suppose you would say that's because I'm inclined to get nervous or insecure.
Johnny: No, I would say you're sometimes a little defensive, and uh, perhaps a tad paranoid.
Moira: That would only be after you've taken that condescending father tone with me.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Father tone?
Moira: There it is.
Johnny: You think I have a father tone?
Moira: John, I wish you could hear yourself talk. But of course you never do.
Johnny: And that's the other thing I guess, I never listen to myself? [sighs]
Moira: Look, it's by not engaging in this kind of tit-for-tat that we keep our marriage afloat.
Johnny: And you have no faults, other than drinking tea?!
Moira: John, I just admitted that I can get a little defensive. But only when you act like a big child!
Johnny: I act like a child?
Moira: Yes, John, and now is not the time for you to throw one of your tantrums!
Johnny: Moira, of the two of us, I'm not the one who throws tantrums!
Moira: I will not engage. I do not want to see him get the better of us. And I'm sorry, obviously this has worked you up into some kind of fit of pique.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Okay, you know what? I need some air.
Moira: That's another thing Mr. Rose, you never finish your fights.
Johnny: Oh, this one's finished! [door slams]

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Stevie, you look like you would know about affordable housing. Is this legit?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: So you two are going through a little bit of a thing?
Jocelyn: Had a tiff, and uh, I just said, I need some space.
Johnny: Well, I'm glad you have your space, and I'm glad Roland has his space, I'll tell you who's now having a major problem with their space.
Jocelyn: Okay, Johnny. Sometimes it's a lot easier to blame others than it is to maybe kinda turn it inwards on ourselves, isn't it?
Johnny: Meaning?
Jocelyn: Well, it's kinda obvious that you and Moira are a little bit rocky right now.
Johnny: No, no, things are not rocky. Things are not rocky, and if they are, it's because your husband is driving us insane!
Jocelyn: So you're telling me that there are no issues between you two right now?
Johnny: No! No! No issues. Well, by "issues," if you mean p-peccadilloes, if you mean little irritants... Mmm. Maybe. But uh no, we're- We're good.

Quote from Ray

David: Are these original moldings?
Ray: Yes, but we can rip those out.

Quote from Ray

David: Is this a functioning fireplace?
Ray: Yes, we found an incinerated squirrel carcass there last week.

Quote from Johnny

Jocelyn: You know what I think brought all this on? That darn election! It's really hard on couples. I mean, don't get me wrong, I really appreciate how involved Roland wants to be in my campaign, it's just that sometimes, he can be so...
Johnny: Irritating? Obnoxious?
Jocelyn: No. I was gonna say sensitive.
Johnny: Oh, sensitive.
Jocelyn: Especially when I wanna do something on my own. Ohhh! Do you really think he's obnoxious and irritating?
Johnny: No! No, no, no, I was just trying to imagine what you know, you were feeling, no.

Quote from Johnny

Jocelyn: Well, I feel frustrated a lot. You know, you try to have a rational conversation with him, and he just gets all like, stubborn and selfish.
Johnny: And then he acts like you're the one behaving like a child! Right?
Jocelyn: Yeah, exactly.
Johnny: Exactly! Words get get used, and twisted around, and yet, he uses that against you.
Jocelyn: Yes, that is so Roland!
Johnny: And you get the reputation for being hot-headed, and he gets to push every button he can!
Jocelyn: You are so right! You know, I thought that I might be ready to forgive him, but I think he needs a couple more nights at that motel.
Johnny: But, on the other hand maybe it's through your forgiveness that you teach him a lesson. Right, and and the sooner you forgive him, then then the better it's gonna be for for you.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Moira, this isn't a good time, um, Jocelyn and I are about to make brunch.
Moira: You can give up the act. You and I need to talk.
Roland: [groans] Close the door honey, will you? You're lettin' my flies out.

Quote from Roland

Roland: [imitating Moira] Hello, everyone! I'm Moira Rose, and I know famous people, so I really can't talk to the common folk. Excuse me all, coming through!

Quote from Ray

Alexis: So I'm assuming this place comes fully furnished?
Ray: [laughs] No, this is all completely staged.
David: Hmm, it must be very expensive to furnish a place like this.
Ray: Ah, not really if you get it second hand. Or, uh, maybe you get up early on Tuesdays, which is garbage day, and find a discarded couch or sofa.

Quote from Ray

David: It's very quiet in here, Ray, it's like, alarmingly quiet.
Ray: The apartment was soundproofed by the previous owner. But the irony is the people next door are completely deaf, so you could literally scream for hours, and no one would hear you. [fake scream]
David: Did you hear that? You could scream for hours, and no one would hear you.
Alexis: Okay well, think about how much fun that will be for parties, David.

Quote from David

David: You know, sometimes at night, I see things.
Alexis: Oh, my God, David!
David: Yeah, yeah. Like dark things. Like sometimes there's this old woman that paces back and forth by your bed, waving her hands over your face. I don't think her bony fingers ever touch your mouth, though.
Alexis: [gasps] Mom?
David: Do you ever wake up with chapped lips?
Alexis: Dad!
David: [whispers] Dad's dead.
Alexis: Ohh, you're such a dick, David!


 Episode 210 Episode 212