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‘The Motel Guest’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: The Motel Guest

211. The Motel Guest

Aired March 15, 2016

A loud guest in the adjacent motel room disrupts the Rose family, prompting marital bickering between Johnny and Moira. Meanwhile, Alexis considers renting a place of her own.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: You didn't hear us last night?
Roland: Nope.
Johnny: Banging away?
Roland: Now, whatever you and the missus do after hours, that's your business, not mine.
Johnny: On the walls, Roland, with our fists!
Roland: And if you're into that kind of stuff, that doesn't bother me at all.

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Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, there's a woman in here who couldn't afford a Persian rug, so she painted one on her tiled floor. The magazine is celebrating her ingenuity!
Johnny: Well, it sounds like a creative solution.
Moira: A creative solution would be a lobotomy to make one forget they like nice things. It's all so bleak.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh, okay, okay. I think I know what all the hesitation is about. Yes, someone did take their own life in this space, but the good news is, we've replaced the ceiling fan, it's now a break-away model. And to answer your question, yes, there is parking. Uh, oh, and they also allow cats.

Quote from David

David: There's a collection of undershirts hang drying outside of my room. Um, is there any way they could be removed, or is there like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I'm not aware of?

Quote from Ray

Ray: As you can see, it's light and breezy. And by breezy, I mean there's a slight but steady draft I'm told you only notice in the winter.

Quote from David

[As Melissa Manchester's "Don't Cry Out Loud" plays, loudly:]
Johnny: David, could you turn that down, please?
David: [o.s.] As if you think that's what I listen to!

Quote from Johnny

Alexis: [o.s.] Stop yelling!
Johnny: I'm trying to turn the music down!
David: [o.s.] Stop banging on the wall!
Moira: David, stop yelling at your father!
Johnny: Hello?!
Alexis: [o.s.] Why is everybody screaming?!
Moira: Alexis, enough!
Johnny: The music's too loud!
David: [o.s.] Then get them to turn it down!
Johnny: Well, that's what I'm trying to do!
Moira: [anguished scream]

Quote from Moira

Moira: John. John! John, do you have any idea what a terrible night's sleep does to one's face?
Johnny: What, you couldn't sleep?
Moira: How could I sleep with that noise?!
Johnny: What noise? They turned it off.
Moira: No, you- You just fell asleep, and stayed asleep with no regard for my well being. Now my eyes are puffy.
Are they puffy?
Johnny: No, they look like they usually look, Moira.
Moira: So now my eyes are usually puffy!
Johnny: Oh, Moira, they're fine!
Moira: These bags are like gypsy caravans, packed to the brim!

Quote from David

David: What's going on over here? Let me see that. What is this? "Charming studio apartment for rent in lower SC." What's "lower SC?" I thought this town was just one long street.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I am thinking about getting a place. I have some money coming in, and it's just It's not really a cute look to be this age, and live at home. No offence, David.
David: Okay, it's not like I have a lot of say in the matter.
Alexis: M'kay well, you're a full grown man, who's much older than me, living at home. So it's just a little bit embarrassing.

Quote from Stevie

David: Mmm, "available immediately." I wonder if you could move out tonight?
Alexis: Uh no, because I'm gonna be using my half of the room as a guest bedroom.
Stevie: Ooh, better yet, you could sublet it. I'm sure there's plenty of vagrants looking for temporary housing.

Quote from Stevie

Alexis: Speaking of which, David, I'm gonna need you to come and look at the apartment with me.
David: [imitating Alexis] Okay, why would I do that?
Alexis: Because David, as an attractive, single female, I don't feel comfortable going to look at an apartment by myself!
David: Well, what if the person who's showing you the apartment is like, a super cute single real estate guy?
Stevie: Mmm, that person doesn't exist in this town.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: I couldn't help but notice that you seemed a little sad sack-y today.
Johnny: Sad sack-y? Well, maybe that's because your husband is occupying the room next to us at the motel.
Jocelyn: I thought he might end up there. That's where we had our honeymoon. Had a lot of great times in that room.
Johnny: I don't think this is one of them. He was playing "Don't Cry Out Loud", loud at two in the morning.
Jocelyn: I'm so sorry. [laughs] It's our wedding song. It was actually the first song that we ever made...
Johnny: Okay, I really don't need the details on that.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh, and there's a lovely window here through which you can see all of the town. The cafe, the garage, a tree of some kind just, uh, over there.

Quote from David

Alexis: This is cute, right? I think this is super cute.
David: Wait, is it [mocking Alexis] cute? 'Cause I know that it's light, and spacious, and airy in here, but I just wasn't sure if it was cute.
Ray: Oh, it's cute.

Quote from David

David: What's the rent?
Ray: Uh, they want $275, but I think they're dreaming.
David: A week?
Ray: No, no, no, a month. But again, I think we can talk them down.
David: Wait, $275 a month for this? That's cheaper than my P.O. Box in New York.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh? Oh? You wanna drop the gloves? Let's drop the gloves, Roland. You are an emotionally stunted, self absorbed man-child. You lord this counterfeit power of yours over others like a schoolyard bully.
Roland: Okay, well you're a phony baloney blowhard, who's desperately scared of being thought of as a regular person.
Moira: I used to be a regular person.
Roland: You're just a stuck up pencil skirt with clown makeup, and a janitor's mop on your head.
Moira: You are an inexplicably cocky imbecile. Your marriage is as blighted as this town, and you have no one to blame but yourself!
Roland: Whoa.
Moira: Oh.
Roland: Well, hold on.
Moira: I went too far.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: [talking over music] I thought you said Jocelyn came back to make up!
Johnny: She did! That happens to be their wedding song.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Seriously though, would you wanna live in a house where someone killed themselves?
David: I could almost guarantee you that someone's killed themselves in this room.
Alexis: Ew, David!


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