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Cheers: Tale of Two Cuties

615. Tale of Two Cuties

Aired January 21, 1988

When Evan Drake (Tom Skerritt) asks for a young waitress to be hired at Cheers, Rebecca is convinced she's his mistress. Meanwhile, with Carla out on maternity leave, her daughter-in-law Annie also takes a job waitressing at the bar.

Quote from Cliff

Rebecca: Can you believe it? Her first day on the job and Evan's little tart is late. That's because she knows I can't do anything about it because her lover boy is the big boss. Isn't she just the queen of gall?
Cliff: Oh, no, that was Charlemagne's wife, I think. Well, you know, if memory serves, I think her name was Cathy.

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Quote from Frasier

Paul: Hey, anyone see the conclusion of the White House Murders last night?
Frasier: No! Don't say anything. I've got it on tape.
Norm: Did you believe it was the vice-president?
Frasier: Please!
Woody: How about where the First Lady popped out of a pool of her own blood and strangled the Russian ambassador?
Frasier: No! No!
Woody: Yeah, that was my reaction exactly.
Frasier: Well, thank you, one and all, for ruining yet another plot for me. I'll be off, now, but before I go there's something I'd like to share with you. In Citizen Kane, Rosebud is the name of his sled. In Murder on the Orient Express, everyone did it. And Luke Skywalker's father is Darth Vader. Ha!
Cliff: Ah, why doesn't the guy tell us something we don't know, huh?
Woody: Darth Vader is Luke's father?

Quote from Norm

Annie: But ever since I started working here, he's become insanely jealous. "Why am I late? When am I coming home? Why am I dressed like such an ultra-fox?" I mean, if it weren't for the six times a day we make love he'd be no fun at all.
Norm: Six? Whoo! Can't think of anything that I can do six times a day. Hit me again. [slides over empty beer glass] Will you, Sam?
Sam: Listen, it's kind of tough on a husband, you know, to have his wife supporting him. It's a- It's a pride thing.
Norm: It is a pride thing, Sam. I remember once when I was out of work, Vera had to support us. I tell ya, the day that woman left to deliver phone books... The proudest day of my life, actually.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: So, did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?
Sam: Oh, we sure did. There are two of the cutest little guys you've ever seen.
Rebecca: Ah, who do they look like, Carla or Eddie?
Woody: Well, they're twins. They kind of look like each other.

Quote from Rebecca

Cliff: Well, pardon my appearance, everybody.
Rebecca: We always do. Sorry. I was covering for Carla.
Cliff: Oh, hey, you're doing a fine job.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Okay, uh, here's another possibility. Instead of firing someone, you send them to the worst job in the organization. Usually the poor schlep just gets fed up and quits. They've tried that on me a bunch of times. Works like a charm.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: You know, sometimes I like to play little guessing games. Do you like to play little guessing games, guys? [all agree] Let's play a little guessing game. I just spoke to Mr. Drake and he suggested that I hire a young girl he knows to cover for Carla. Now, why do you suppose a busy, important man like Mr. Drake would take time out of his day to get a simple cocktail waitress a job?
Norm: Oh, oh, oh.
Rebecca: Norm.
Norm: Uh, she's, uh... She's a friend of the family.
Rebecca: Possible.
Cliff: He's, uh, paying off a debt.
Norm: I like that.
Woody: He feels sorry for her.
Rebecca: He does have a soft heart.
Sam: Maybe she's sleeping with him.
Rebecca: Of course that little tramp is sleeping with him! Do you think I'm stupid?
Woody: Is this still part of the guessing game?

Quote from Norm

Cliff: The reason why I look like I've been up all night is because, well, I've been up all night reading that little opus.
Norm: All right, Lust for Justice. Yeah, Vera talked me into reading this.
Cliff: Oh, is she a fan?
Norm: No, no. When Vera's talking, I'll read just about anything.

Quote from Frasier

Cliff: I almost ruptured a disc delivering those Book of the Month club copies and I decided to see what all the hooha was about.
Norm: Yeah, two thumbs up, right?
Cliff: Oh, yeah. Finest piece of trash not written by a Junta or Jackie in modern literature.
Frasier: Good Lord. Another piece of salacious mind candy. God, this is over 600 pages long. Who could imagine he'd know this many words?
Woody: Yeah, well I checked. He uses a lot of them twice.
Cliff: Yeah, well, Frasier, you want to borrow it then?
Frasier: No way you'll find me reading it. Oh, just look at these reviews.
Cliff: Suit yourself.
Frasier: "l couldn't put it down." [scoffs]

Quote from Frasier

Cliff: Well, well, well. Hey, Normie, look who's developed a lust for justice.
Norm: Yeah.
Frasier: Do you mind? Lorenzo is hemorrhaging.
Cliff: Oh, he dies.
Frasier: Don't tell me. Don't tell me.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, that's true. We don't want to spoil the part where Monica first comes in. Were you shocked or what when she turned out to be a man?
Cliff: Oh, no, no, I saw-
Frasier: [puts his fingers in his ears and sings] I wish I was in the land of cotton Old times there are not forgotten Look away, look away, look away

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: Listen, have you ever thought that you're reading this whole thing wrong? That maybe she's just a four-eyed little geek that Evan Drake is trying to help out?
Rebecca: Right. And Cliff is leaving his brain to science.
Cliff: I guess, you're still covering for Carla, huh?
Rebecca: Guess again.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Have you ever had to defend Vera's honor?
Norm: Well, no, not per se. But on more than one occasion I've held her place in line while she parked the car.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: You know, if someone ran over Laurie in the parking lot, I bet it would look like an accident. Do you want to make 500 bucks?
Sam: Just, don't... Listen to yourself. You're going crazy here. We both have a problem with these new waitresses. Why don't we help each other out, here?
Rebecca: Oh, like I scratch your back?
Sam: And I'll scratch your front.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: She's his mistress.
Rebecca: How do you know that?
Sam: She turned me down.
Rebecca: That just proves she has a weak stomach.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: What's this? "Carla's Tips."
Sam: Yeah, it was Carla's idea. She does some of her best thinking in labor.
Rebecca: This is ridiculous. How does she expect to be tipped if she's not even here?
Sam: Well, actually, she's doing a lot better than she usually does.

Quote from Woody

Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, yeah, she is. Miss Howe, Mr. Drake.
Rebecca: Mr. Drake? I wonder what he's calling about. Woody, how did he sound? Happy, mad, pleasant, annoyed?
Woody: Well, he sounds kind of weird. Like an old woman with a lisp and a thick German accent.
Rebecca: Woody, that's his secretary.
Woody: Oh, well, then she sounded pretty happy.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, Anthony, Annie, what's up?
Anthony: Sam, I'm swallowing my Tortelli pride to ask if I might borrow five bucks.
Annie: That was very difficult for him.
Anthony: Is it okay? I want to get a present for my mom and the twins.
Sam: Sure. What are you going to get them?
Anthony: Five bucks.
Sam: She'll like that.
Anthony: Thanks, Sam.

Quote from Sam

Anthony: Hey, I don't know when I'll be able to pay you back. Job market's been really bad lately. I haven't been able to find a job anywhere.
Sam: Actually, we have an opening for a temporary waitress to sub for your mom. What do you think?
Anthony: Ah, I don't want to be a waitress.
Sam: No, I was thinking about her.
Anthony: No, I don't want my wife to work.
Annie: I could do it if I want to.
Anthony: Nuh-uh.
Annie: Nuh-huh.
Anthony: Nuh-uh.
Annie: Nuh-huh.
Anthony: Nuh-uh.
Sam: W- Why don't you two talk about it.
Annie: Of course we will. Communication is the cornerstone of our marriage.
Anthony: Nuh-uh.
Annie: Nuh-huh.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: This is just too perfect. Evan found a nice little bowl for his goldfish to swim in. Safe, out of the reach of the other executive sharks.
Sam: Obviously, he forgot about the Great White Sammy.

Quote from Rebecca

Annie: Well, we've reached a compromise, Sam. I'm taking the relief waitress job.
Sam: Great. What's the compromise?
Anthony: [meekly] I'm letting her.
Rebecca: Wait a minute. I am in charge around here and it is my responsibility to hire people, and I have just be informed that I am hiring someone else.
Sam: They're going through a tough time right now. Why don't you let Annie work just for tips?
Annie: Tips?
Sam: Yeah.
Annie: If I'm gonna work here, I demand a set salary, plus tips, plus two coffee breaks, plus weekends off.
Rebecca: That is completely out of the question.
Annie: Okay, then I demand that tip thing.
Rebecca: It's a deal.

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