The Good Place Quotes
- Season 1
- 101 Everything is Fine
- 102 Flying
- 103 Tahani Al-Jamil
- 104 Jason Mendoza
- 105 Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis
- 106 What We Owe to Each Other
- 107 The Eternal Shriek
- 108 Most Improved Player
- 109 ...Someone Like Me as a Member
- 110 Chidi's Choice
- 111 What's My Motivation
- 112 Mindy St. Claire
- 113 Michael's Gambit
- Season 2
- Season 3
- Season 4
- 401 A Girl from Arizona (Part 1)
- 402 A Girl from Arizona (Part 2)
- 403 Chillaxing
- 404 Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy
- 405 Employee of the Bearimy
- 406 A Chip Driver Mystery
- 407 Help Is Other People
- 408 The Funeral to End All Funerals
- 409 The Answer
- 410 You've Changed, Man
- 411 Mondays, Am I Right?
- 412 Patty
- 413 Whenever You're Ready
The Good Place
After her untimely death, Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell), a self-absorbed woman without much virtue to her name, arrives in a heavenly utopia run by architect Michael (Ted Danson).
Kristen Bell, William Jackson Harper, Jameela Jamil, D'Arcy Carden, Manny Jacinto, Ted Danson.
Recurring Actors: Marc Evan Jackson, Tiya Sircar, Maya Rudolph, Kirby Howell-Baptiste, Jason Mantzoukas, Maribeth Monroe, Adam Scott, Brandon Scott Jones, Benjamin Koldyke.
Original Run: 2016-2020.
Quote from Tahani in A Girl from Arizona (Part 2)
Tahani: Oh, Jason, I'm so sorry.
Jason: Janet was my whole afterlife. How am I gonna get over her?
Tahani: I used to have a breakup routine when a relationship ended. Champagne and Alanis Morissette. Not the actual singer. I just listened to her albums at my friend Adele's house.
Quote from Michael in Chillaxing
Michael: I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad and angry when you should be happy, and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but it's insane. The point is, in this case, even if it's not rational, you're allowed to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it and work your way through it, and then get your shirt together. Because we have a lot of work to do.
Quote from Eleanor in Pandemonium
Eleanor: Yes, we will no longer be together. The Bad Place has pulled off the most intricate cork-blork of all time. Hmm, it's a nice touch that the cursing filter maintains the rhyme. I appreciate that attention to detail.
Quote from Eleanor in Dance Dance Resolution
Chidi: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Eleanor: This is the Bad Place. I forking knew it! And clam chowder is disgusting. It's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons.
Chidi: Okay, but what do we do, panic, freak? I usually panic, but I am happy to freak.
Eleanor: No. We have to stay cool. As my mom always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.
Chidi: Your mom always said that?
Quote from Jason in What's My Motivation
Michael: Okay, so, now, this is sort of a quick litmus test, basic questions designed to tell whether you were fundamentally good or bad. Number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime?
Jason: Yes, I blew up a guy's speedboat after he sued me. [beep] And... I stole an old lady's fake leg once on a dare. [beep]
Michael: Did you ever have a personalized license plate?
Jason: Yeah, dawg. "I LUV BUTTS". [beep]
Michael: Have... Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Jason: Yo, the Chilis? I saw them in concert like 50 times. [beep] I once got arrested trying to steal Flea's bass guitar. [beep] Oh, that was another serious crime I committed. I should have mentioned that earlier. [beep] Is it just me, or am I acing this test?
Michael: Oh, this is bad. Oh, this is so, so bad. Oh, I thought I had everything under control when I found Eleanor, but somehow you are... you're so much worse.
Quote from Chidi in Jeremy Bearimy
Chidi: [sings] You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and eat them both up You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and add the M&Ms You put the Peeps in the chili pot, It makes it taste... bad! [clears throat] [talks] I'm gonna eat all this chili and/or die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna put it right down here. Come on. Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.
Man: Professor? I can see that you're going through something, but exams are next week. So can you teach us anything?
Chidi: All right, nerd. You want to learn something? I'll teach you something. I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life. How do ya like them apples? Now over the last, 2,500 years Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off, there's "virtue ethics." Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character, like courage or generosity. And you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues. Next, there's consequentialism. The basis for judgment about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action. How much utility, or good, did it accomplish versus how much pain, or bad. And finally, there's deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that everyone must adhere to in a functioning society. Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies all three of those theories are hot, stinky, cat dookie. The true meaning of life, the actual ethical system that you should all follow is nihilism. The world is empty. There is no point to anything and you're just gonna die. So, do whatever! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and you all can jump up your own butts.
Woman: Is that going to be on the test?
Chidi: Yes. And no. And you all get "A"s or "F"s. And there is no test. And you all failed it, and you all got "A"s. Who cares? Goodbye. [groaning voice] Goodbye.