Eleanor: Hang on, hang on. You're not supposed to be here either? You're a mistake, just like me?
Jason: Yeah, and I'm freaking out, dog. There's so much thoughts in my brain, it's like my head is filled with rocks.
Eleanor: How have you managed to stay undiscovered? Because I have had to dodge and weave and barely escape with my life, and you don't seem... Like a super genius.
[flashback:]
Michael: Hello, Jianyu. I'm Michael. Before we start, I know you were a Buddhist monk and kept a vow of silence. Would you prefer to remain silent here as well? [Jianyu nods]
[present:]
Eleanor: You literally haven't said a word since we got here?
Jason: Yeah. When I say I'm meditating, I'm just trying to figure out what the fork is happening. I think we might be in an alien zoo or on a prank show.
Eleanor: No, Jianyu, we're dead.
Jason: Whoa, that's a dope prank. Pfff. Got to give it up.

Eleanor: Okay, I need to make sure that this isn't some sort of weird trap. Is your real name Jianyu?
Jason: No. It's Jason Mendoza. And by the way, everyone here thinks I'm Taiwanese. I'm Filipino. That's racist. Heaven is so racist.
Eleanor: But Tahani said that you helped Michael by putting your hand on his chest and doing some sort of healing magic.
Jason: Yeah. A nurse did that to calm me down once when I crashed my Jet Ski into a manatee.
Eleanor: You crashed your Jet Ski into a manatee?
Jason: Yeah. I'm from Jacksonville, Florida. It happens a lot.
Eleanor: What did you do for a living?
Jason: I was an amateur DJ specializing in EDM. [off Eleanor's look] Electronic dance music. I was also an amateur hip-hop backup dancer, an amateur body spray inventor... um, I did pranks on Vine.
Eleanor: None of those are jobs. What did you do to make money?
Jason: Oh, I sold fake drugs to college kids.

Jason: I am here to learn about ethnics.
Chidi: Wow, that's great, man. I mean, it's "ethics," but that's great.
Jason: [quietly to Eleanor] Pretty sure it's "ethnics."
Eleanor: Hey, buddy, I'm proud of you. This is your first step towards not sucking.
Jason: Cool. I just have two questions: when are football tryouts? And does this school have a prom?
Chidi: Oh, no.
Eleanor: Oh, wow. For the first time ever, I'm the smartest kid in class.

Eleanor: So, Tahani has no idea about me?
Jason: No. She thinks I'm a monk, and she thinks you're her best friend.
Eleanor: Great. I mean, for us. It's a huge bummer for her. We need someplace that we can talk in private.
Jason: I agree. Let me show you my bud-hole.
Eleanor: What?
Jason: I should warn you: it's a little messy.

Michael: Tonight, I'm going to select my jauntiest suit, and I may even wear suspenders. It's one of the human clothing items I'm most eager to try.
Tahani: Oh, well, good luck.
Michael: Thank you. Yes, yes. I'm excited. And a little nervous. I'd say that I'm cautiously optimistic. [laughing] I hope I don't chicken out at the last second.
Tahani: Sorry... we are talking about suspenders, right? Like... these?
Michael: You can do that with... oh! [laughs] I cannot wait.
Tahani: Excellent.

Chidi: Oh, bud-hole. Okay. Now, tell me everything.
Eleanor: Okay, Jianyu... is a fraud, just like me. His real name is Jason. He's a drug-dealing DJ from Florida. [Chidi gasps] It's gonna be fine. We just need a plan.
Jason: Oh, I got a plan. We hack into Michael's phone, download all his nudes, and then blackmail him.
Eleanor: No. What are you t... no.
Jason: Yo, you should listen to me. I came up with hundreds of plans in my life, and only one of them got me killed.
Eleanor: Dude, be quiet. You are not Jason. You are a monk named Jianyu. Got it?

Eleanor: Okay, good. Okay, here's my biggest question: how did you know that I didn't belong here?
Jason: I figured it out the very first night, at the party, using my powers of deduction.
[flashback:]
Eleanor: [drunk] I heard you don't talk. Well, here's something for you to not talk about. I don't belong here. [laughs] They made a mistake. Total phony. So, shh! Okay, later, man.
[present:]
Eleanor: Okay. I vaguely remember that. I believe you, Jason. You're not supposed to be here. Welcome to the bottom of the barrel. [they shake hands]

Michael: Hello, Tahani.
Tahani: Oh, hello, Michael. I was just picking out some fresh orchids for my nightly orchid bath.
Michael: So, Tahani, one of your fellow residents is opening a new restaurant tonight. This neighborhood could use a real morale boost. And since you're an expert at event planning, I was hoping that you would help with the grand opening.
Tahani: Oh, Michael, say no more.
Michael: I wasn't going to. I was done.
Tahani: Well, good, because of course I will. Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hey, there.
Tahani: Oh, hello, darling. I would like to model tonight's event on my most successful gala.
Janet: That would be 2006 fundraiser for stem cell research in Barcelona.
Tahani: "Barthelona," actually. Oh, it was a perfect evening. Princess Stephanie was there, as were Posh and Becks. You know, "International Sophisticate Magazine" gave us five Gwyneths. [giggles]

Chidi: So, the concept of the self is a key subject for a lot of great thinkers. In the "Tao Te Ching," Lao Tzu wrote, "Knowing others is wisdom, but knowing the self is enlightenment."
Eleanor: Ahh, "knowing" yourself. Is he talking about what I think he's talking about?
Chidi: No, Eleanor. Once again, none of these philosophers is ever talking about masturbation. Let's move on to this week's main event, David Hume's "A Treatise of Human Nature." You read this, right?
Eleanor: I did. Well, I tried to. Well, I tried to want to. Um, actually, could we postpone this lesson? I've befriended Jianyu from next door, and I thought I could learn from him.
Chidi: That's a great idea. Hume's "bundle theory" of the self is fairly close to Buddhism.
Eleanor: Yeah. No durr. That's why I'm doing it.

Michael: So, Jianyu is talking? Oh, how wonderful! I will do everything in my power to encourage him. Well, not everything. I won't give him a second mouth. Unless that would be helpful. No. Better not risk it.