Shawn: What in the name of Kevin Spacey's self-made Christmas Eve video message to try to get back on House of Cards is going on here?

Eleanor: All right, babe, it's go time. You ready?
Tahani: Absolutely. I feel very confident with you in charge. In the words of my godfather, acting in what can only be described in hindsight as his most problematic role, "You the man now, dawg!"
Eleanor: As always, thank you for finding the quickest possible way to say things.

Tahani: Hello, all! I took the liberty of preparing a few simple snacks.
John: Whew, this place is nice! Did anyone else see that movie The Lake House with Keanu and Sandy B? Oh, I love a movie with gentle magic. Give me a time-traveling mailbox or a mother-daughter body switch, or like, uh, Sarah Michelle Gellar as a chef and her food tastes amazing because she cries in it? [chuckles] I should've been a screenwriter.

Michael: Yes, it's true. It's me. The real Michael. We know all about your plot to sabotage our experiment. We know you brought Chris in to pretend to be Linda to distract us while you planted a Bad Janet to pretend to be a Good Janet. [applause]
Shawn: No, stop clapping! This is real! Someone capture them.
Michael: Rufus, I'm warning you. I know we go way back. We used to be roommates. But if you take another step, I will use this Demon Exploder on you.
Shawn: A Demon Exploder? Come on, man. At least try to make that sound convincing. [Rufus explodes] Wow.
Touche.
Michael: I used to be just like all of you. I sat right where you're sitting at more than 10,000 DemonCons, and I believed that we committed torture as a part of the moral balance of the universe, but I've learned that's wrong. Humans are capable of self-improvement, and so are we. And down deep, Shawn knows this is true too. I beg you. Open your eyes to the truth. [Vicky slow claps]
Vicky: Bravo, Michael. What a monologue. Not! [puts on Michael skin suit] I'm not scared of you because I've gone there, Michael. I've become you. You may act like you've changed, but deep down, you're still a demon. Vile, ugly, capable of so much darkness. And now... you're home. [Michael explodes Vicky]
Shawn: Oh, come on! [applause]

Eleanor: Now head off to the lake house, and do your fabulous Tahani hostess thing.
Tahani: Actually, uh, now that you bring it up, Michael and Jason are rescuing Janet, and you're running things here. Even Derek has an important job. I'd like to be more useful. What is it that you Americans say? Uh, insert me, coachman!
Eleanor: "Put me in, coach." Babe, we need these humans to stay happy and occupied, all right? So just pump 'em full of champagne and those tiny little sandwiches, and keep 'em dazzled.
Tahani: Of course. Though I'd never serve finger sandwiches at a lake house. I mean, what am I? Welsh?
Eleanor: Are you? I don't know. No, right?

Tahani: Derek. I'm going back to the lake house to entertain because apparently that's all I'm good for.
Derek: Okay.
Tahani: Gonna need some party supplies. Cocktail napkins with a cute lake-related slogan. Maybe they can say, "Better lake than never."

Vicky: [in Michael suit] Oh, Janet, you disappoint me. I expected more of a fight from you. Yet here you are, all alone in the Bad Place, rendered powerless by a measly magnet jail. [laughs boisterously]
Janet: It's okay, I guess.
Vicky: What is the issue now? Hmm?
Janet: That's not how Michael laughs. It's more of a delighted giggle.
Shawn: She's right. You need to nail his subtleties and mannerisms for this to properly work as torture.
Vicky: [removes Michael suit] My problem with the role is that I haven't fully figured out Michael's motivation yet. Like I'm inside Michael, but I need to be "inside" Michael.
Janet: Hmm, you know, it actually feels more like torture when you discuss your "acting process."
Vicky: You don't get it.
Janet: If you really want to know Michael's motivation, it's the same as the rest of my friends: loyalty, empathy, and love.
Vicky: Eww.
Janet: And that's why they will prevail.
Vicky: I hate to break it to you, hon. They're not gonna prevail. [transforms into Michael] No one's coming to save you! [laughs maniacally]
Janet: Oof, getting colder.
Vicky: I know! I could feel it. You know, it was wrong. I'm just... I'm in my head now.

Jason: Hey, Mikey, I have a question about our plan to save Janet. Is there it yet?
Michael: I do have a plan, yes. But to be honest, I have no idea if it will work.
Jason: Maybe Glenn could help. Yo, Glenn, how should we rescue Janet? [water bubbles] He doesn't know.
Michael: Listen, Jason, old friend, I already gave Eleanor and Tahani all their afterlife memories back. I haven't restored yours for obvious reasons. But I think to maximize our chances of survival, it's time that you remember everything we've been through. Now prepare yourself. This might be intense.
Jason: Oh... dip!
Michael: Do you remember everything?
Jason: Yes, last time I was in the Bad Place, I threw a Molotov cocktail. That was sick.
Michael: I was afraid that you'd watch 300 years of memories and that would be your takeaway. Buddy, I did that to help you know what not to do. Impulse control is critical. Fight the urge to blow stuff up, even if you feel like we're in a jam. Got it?
Jason: I mean, that's very lame, but yeah, I understand. Wait, can I have all my memories back again? I forgot most of them.

Eleanor: Welcome, everyone. Janet will be unavailable for a bit. She's undergoing some routine system maintenance.
John: Oh, I know what that means. Eye lift. Maybe an ear tuck.

Eleanor: When we don't have Janet, we like to refresh your memories of your old lives when you did things for yourselves. We call it Earth Day. And yes, we know that's a thing on Earth, but what are they gonna do? Sue us? [laughs] So get ready for some fun, lo-fi activities. This group over here is gonna knit. You folks are gonna do your favorite activity, gardening.
Brent: Oh, man, we better get something better than that.
Eleanor: And you five are going to a gorgeous remote lake house. Swimming, water skiing, the works.
Brent: [chuckles] Suck it, gardeners!
Simone: Why do I feel like that's not the first time he's screamed those words?