Eleanor: Um, so who was right? I mean about all of this?
Michael: Well, let's see. Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit. Jews, Christians, Buddhists, every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forcett.
Eleanor: Who... who's Doug Forcett?
Michael: Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s. One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend, Randy, said, "Hey, what do you think happens after we die?" And Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct. [chuckles] I mean, we couldn't believe what we were hearing. That's him, actually, right up there. He's pretty famous around here. I'm very lucky to have that. [chuckles]

Chidi: Are you sure this isn't you?
Eleanor: Yeah, man, I'm pretty sure I wasn't a death row lawyer who collected clown paintings and rescued orphans. They got my name right, but nothing else. I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?
Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.
Eleanor: That's bullshirt.

Chidi: Eleanor. I have spent my entire life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe. And now we can actually learn about them together as soul mates. It's overwhelming.
Eleanor: Chidi. You'll stand by my side no matter what, right?
Chidi: Of course I will.
Eleanor: Promise me. Say, "I promise I will never betray you for any reason."
Chidi: Eleanor, I swear that I will never say or do anything to cause you any harm.
Eleanor: Good. Because those aren't my memories. I wasn't a lawyer. I never went to the Ukraine. I hate clowns. There's been a big mistake. I'm not supposed to be here.
Chidi: Wait, what?

Michael: Eleanor? Come on in. Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. How are you today?
Eleanor: I'm great. Thanks for asking. Oh, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on?
Michael: Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.
Eleanor: Cool. Cool. I have some questions.
Michael: Thought you might.
Eleanor: How did I die? I-I don't remember.
Michael: Yes, um, in cases of traumatic or embarrassing deaths, we erase the memory to allow for a peaceful transition. Are you sure you want to hear? [Eleanor nods] All right, so you were in a grocery store parking lot. You dropped a bottle of something called "Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One." And when you bent down to pick it up, a long column of shopping carts that were being returned to the shopping cart collection area rolled out of control and plowed right into you.
Eleanor: Oof. That's how I died?
Michael: No, sorry, there's more. You were able to grab on to the front of the column of shopping carts, but it swept you right out into the street where you were struck and killed by a mobile billboard truck advertising an erectile dysfunction pill called "Engorge-ulate." Funnily enough, the first EMT to arrive was an ex-boyfriend of yours...
Eleanor: Okay, that's... I get it, thank you.
Michael: Oh, okay, sorry.

Michael: [on video] [chuckles] Ah. Hello, everyone. And welcome to your first day in the afterlife. You were all, simply put, good people. But how do we know that you were good? How are we sure? During your time on Earth, every one of your actions had a positive or a negative value, depending on how much good or bad that action put into the universe. Every sandwich you ate, every time you bought a magazine, every single thing you did had an effect that rippled out over time and ultimately created some amount of good or bad. You know how some people pull into the breakdown lane when there's traffic? And they think to themselves, "Ah, who cares? No one's watching." We were watching. Surprise. [audience laughs] Anyway, when your time on Earth has ended, we calculate the total value of your life using our perfectly accurate measuring system. Only the people with the very highest scores, the true cream of the crop, get to come here, to the Good Place. What happens to everyone else, you ask? Don't worry about it. The point is, you are here because you lived one of the very best lives that could be lived. And you won't be alone. Your true soul mate is here too. That's right. Soul mates are real. One of the other people in your neighborhood is your actual soul mate, and you will spend eternity together. So welcome to eternal happiness. Welcome to the Good Place. Sponsored by: otters holding hands while they sleep. You know the way you feel when you see a picture of two otters holding hands? That's how you're gonna feel every day.

Eleanor: Look. I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
Chidi: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.
Eleanor: All I'm saying is these people might be "good," but are they really that much better than me?

Eleanor: So where you from, Chidi?
Chidi: Well, I was born in Nigeria, raised in Senegal, but my work took me all over the place... Australia, Hong Kong, Paris. What about you?
Eleanor: Uh, well, I... I was born in Phoenix.
Chidi: Mm-hmm.
Eleanor: Arizona. And then I went to school in Tempe, Arizona. And then I moved back to Phoenix, Arizona.

Janet: I'm Janet. I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place.
Chidi: She's like this walking database. You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history...
Eleanor: Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. His name was Kevin Paltonic. Is he gay?
Janet: No.
Eleanor: Really? Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.
Janet: That's correct.
Eleanor: Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway.
Janet: Yes, you were.

Chidi: Let's just face it, Eleanor, you don't belong here.
Eleanor: Well, then this system sucks. What, one in a million gets to live in paradise and everyone else is tortured for eternity? Come on. I mean, I wasn't freaking Gandhi, but I was okay. I was a medium person. I should get to spend eternity in a medium place! Like Cincinnati. Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati.
Chidi: Look, apparently it doesn't work that way. I'm sorry, Eleanor, but there's nothing anyone can do.
Eleanor: Unless... there is something we can do. Unless you could teach me.
Chidi: Teach you what?
Eleanor: How to be good. That was your job, right? A professor of ethics? No one knew I was a problem when I arrived. Things only started getting crazy after I was an ash-hole to everyone at the party. [groans] You know I'm trying to say "ash-hole" and not "ash-hole," right?
Chidi: I got that, yes.
Eleanor: Okay, give me a chance. Let me earn my place here. Let me be your ethical guinea pig.
Michael: [o.s.] [knocks on door] Hey, guys! Uh, emergency neighborhood meeting, now!
Eleanor: We'll be right there, Michael! If I walk out of here in these clothes, I'm toast. My soul is in your hands, soul mate. What's it gonna be? [Michael knocks again] [thunder roars]
Chidi: Oh, stomachache.

Chidi: You know, maybe... it's a test. Maybe if you go to Michael and you tell him the truth, you'll pass the test and you'll get to stay.
Eleanor: No way. I can't risk going to the Bad Place.
Chidi: Okay, well, maybe it's not actually, like, all that bad. Let's just get some information first. We'll ask Janet. Hey, Janet?
Janet: [appears by the table] Hi, there.
Eleanor: Gah!
Janet: How can I help you?
Eleanor: What the fork? Who are you?