Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘You've Changed, Man’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: You've Changed, Man

410. You've Changed, Man

Aired January 9, 2020

As the Judge tries to find her Earth eraser in the Janets' voids, Michael and the humans try to come up with a new vision of the afterlife and get Shawn on board.

Quote from Jason

Jason: Tell me about it. I once went to jail for a week just because I stole a hot dog. Well, a hot-dog-shaped car. I stole the Wienermobile.


Quote from Tahani

Eleanor: Now all we have to do is convince Shawn.
Tahani: I'll take the lead. If I can convince Dr. Ruth not to sue Bruno Mars over songwriting credit on "Uptown Funk," I can handle this.
Eleanor: Okay, you gotta tell me that story on the way.

Quote from Judge

Judge: Ugh. All Janet voids are nothing, but Neutral Janet voids are, like, the most nothing.
Janet: Judge, please, please don't cancel Earth.
Judge: Why not? The system's broken. You guys proved it. I just want to reboot the whole thing, and go back to my chambers. I am on season three of Justified, and can I just tell you, it is so good. I, like, binged all of season two in a day.
Janet: Think of all the amazing human achievement you'd be eliminating. The works of William Shakespeare. The Pyramids. Timothy Olyphant.
Judge: Ooh, that one stings. There's, like, 50 gallons of man in a 10-gallon hat. I'm, like, oh! Look, I'm the freaking Judge, and I made a freaking ruling, and it's gonna freaking happen, soon as I find the freaking clicker thing. All right, what do I search for? "Humanity eraser button garage door opener thingy Judge." [groans]

Quote from Tahani

Eleanor: Okay, we need to think bigger. We need to come up with an entirely new afterlife system that both the Good and Bad Places agree on, which seems impossible.
Tahani: Nonsense. Compromise is always possible. I was once in Portofino with Bruno Mars, LeBron James, and Dr. Ruth Westheimer...
Eleanor: We don't have time for this right now, babe.
Tahani: Fine. Long story short, LeBron performed a successful tracheotomy, the son won multiple Grammys, and everyone was really happy.
Eleanor: Well, now I want to hear the story.
Tahani: No, you're right. Let's focus.

Quote from Janet

Judge: Ugh. Bad Janet voids are the worst. Music off! [music turns up] Oh, right, I forgot. Make it louder!
Janet: What if you start humanity over from scratch, and humans evolve over millions of years and they end up worse? What if they invent rap-rock sooner, and it becomes the only kind of music? Do you really want to oversee an entire world of Limp Bizkits run by Emperor Kid Rock?

Quote from Jason

Eleanor: Your time on Earth won't be a test that you either pass or fail, but instead a class you take, and the test will come in the afterlife.
Jason: The first part stays the same. You live your life, screw up a bunch of stuff. Like, a lot of stuff. Like, to the point where people are, like... "This is messed up, even for Florida." But you can't hear them because you fell into the swamp trying to spray paint a Taco Bell logo on a snapping turtle. Uh, we rest our case, Your Honor.
Chidi: No, no. No, no, no, no, no, we don't. We barely started.

Quote from Tahani

Chidi: So when you die, you still have a points total, but in the new system, that number will serve as a sort of baseline to determine how hard or how easy your test is.
Timothy Olyphant: Sorry. I'm just trying to play catch-up here. Who's designing these tests, exactly?
Tahani: A Good Place architect and a Bad Place architect will work together to design a scenario to make you confront your moral shortcomings, like Eleanor's selfishness, Jason's impulsivity, Chidi's indecisiveness, and my complete inability to carry off a mod look.
Eleanor: That's not...
Tahani: I know I have other faults, but that is a big one.

Quote from Shawn

Shawn: Wait. I'm gonna do the evil speech now.
Michael: If you want.
Shawn: [clears throat] Since the dawn of time, good and evil have waged a furious battle, stemming from...
This feels stupid if you're not gonna fight back. How do you not have another plan? You've always had another plan.
Michael: What's wrong, Shawn?
Shawn: Okay, fine. You're gonna make me admit it. Fighting you is the most fun I've ever had. I mean, you know. You corkscrew your first eyeball, and you're like, "Man, I can't believe they're paying me to do this." By the trillionth, it's like... I should've just been a teacher. And then you go and get the warm fuzzies about your little humans, and something... Something changed. I was having fun again. I'm not sure I'm ready for that to end.
Michael: I know, buddy. It's hard when things end. But one way or the other, this is over. The only question is... What's next?
Shawn: I heard your speech at Demon-Con. You know this system stinks. You wouldn't have let me try the original experiment if things were working. Let's try a new way. Together.

Quote from Judge

Janet & Judge: [sing] You can ring my bell Ring my bell
Judge: Whoo. Wait a second. What was I doing?
Janet: I'll tell you what you were doing. You were tearing up the dance floor.
Judge: No, I was looking for the stupid clicker thingy. God, those infectious disco grooves.
Janet: So wait, wait, wait, wait. We have this amazing new idea, and Shawn is almost on board. Maybe if you talk to him, you could nudge him towards an agreement.
Judge: I don't take sides. I am the Judge. My only concerns are fairness and impartiality. [sing to the tune of "Ring My Bell"] Gonna erase the Earth Erase the Earth. [talks] That song is really my yam. [into a microphone] Humanity eraser thingy. [buzzer sounds]
[The Judge and Janet leave Disco Janet's void]
Judge: Well, later, skater.
Disco Janet: Keep on truckin'.

Quote from Janet

Michael: Shawn, you'll all still have jobs. Bad place architects help design the test. Rank and file demons, they'll play roles just like they did in my original Neighborhood. And remember how much fun you had playing the Judge?
Judge: I don't know, guys. You think this will work?
Jason: It sort of already has. Chidi just had 800 versions of himself stuffed into his soul at the same time. I mean, he's a new man. He's way cooler now. Uh, I like the old version, too, but not as much.
Janet: It's not just Chidi, Your Honor. When I started in Michael's first neighborhood, I was nothing more than a PalmPilot in a cool vest. But look at me now. I can hold four humans in my void, and conjure Timothy Olyphant in the blink of an eye. Getting rebooted over and over made me a better not-a-person than I've ever been. Humans should get the same opportunity.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: I know you're trying to think of ways to save every soul who's ever lived and whatnot, but, um, we may only have a half hour left to exist, so I just wanted to check in with you vis-a-vis... us.
Chidi: Oh, okay, yeah. Cool. I love you.
Eleanor: Whoa. Really?
Chidi: Yeah. I love you. So, uh, do you love me?
Eleanor: Yeah, I do.
Chidi: Well, then, cool! You and I are on our way to Coolsville.
Eleanor: You seem oddly sure, which is unlike you, but... it's kind of doing it for me. Should we get out of here? No, but I like the confidence.
Chidi: Well, when you have a thousand different versions of yourself over multiple timelines fused and instantly placed into your consciousness, it gives you a real sense of clarity.
Michael: You saw the time knife, huh?
Chidi: Yep. Saw the time knife. It was neat. Okay, let's save humanity, shall we? Can one of you Janets get me a chalkboard and a copy of Judith Shklar's "Ordinary Vices?" Oh, and maybe some warm pretzels. If we going out, I'm going out with a belly full of warm pretzels. Yummy, yum, yum. Yummy!

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: This is the problem with the current system. Live anything less than the most exemplary life, and you are brutally tortured forever with no recourse. The cruelty of the punishment does not match the cruelty of the life that one has lived. Now, watch this spin.
Eleanor: So, we need to come up with a system that will result in the least amount of cruelty and suffering to those who don't deserve it. This is a problem of justice.
Chidi: [kisses Eleanor] Hearing you talk about philosophical concepts of justice is sexy. You want to get out of here?
Eleanor: Yes. No. Keep going.

Quote from Janet

Judge: Okay, mama. See you in the next life.
Bad Janet: Before you marbleize me, can I just make one final statement to summarize how I really feel?
Judge: I think I know where this is going. [Bad Janet farts and cries]
[The Judge marbleizes Bad Janet]
Judge: Okay, Disco Janet, you're up.
Disco Janet: Out of sight.

Quote from Jason

Judge: What are you guys still doing here? Just go back to Mindy's and have a lukewarm beer, and wait for me to end you there. [to Chidi] Except for you, cookie-puss. I'll always make room for you. [disappears into Disco Janet's void]
Michael: Wait a second. That's it.
Jason: I agree. Chidi should hook up with the Judge to get us out of trouble. I'd done that a bunch of times. It's called a Jacksonville plea bargain.

Quote from Michael

Michael: No, Mindy's house. Eleanor always thought there should be a Medium Place for people who led medium lives. That's the answer. We make the Medium Place a third option.
Eleanor: Of course. Maybe if you score negative points on Earth. "Sorry, you blew it. Enjoy having your penis flattened." Over a million or whatever, party time. And everyone else in between gets their own, personal Cincinnati.
Chidi: It's definitely less cruel than the current system, but it's not great.
Michael: Well, it might be the best we can do given the circumstances. Let's try to sell it to the brass.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode