Michael: How did they get Janet's bracelets off? It's literally impossible for a human to do. It's like breathing underwater or driving without texting.

Jason: I can't believe Michael betrayed us again. Why is it always the ones you most expect?

Shawn: Before tonight's party, I'd love to talk more about your strategy for torturing Tahani. I'm impressed you were able to make her fall in love with Jason. She must be miserable.
Michael: Yeah. Humans make a lot of mistakes when they're horny.

Michael: Hello, you dummies! [all laughing] This neighborhood was a labor of hate for many people here, so I thought that we should celebrate with an art form that we literally invented here in the Bad Place: the comedy roast! [all cheering] I see Jason Mendoza's here. Jason might not be the smartest guy in the world, but he is the dumbest guy in the world. Oh, Jason, buddy, all you had to do was to keep quiet, but you couldn't stop talking about Kendall Jenner or that dumb quarterback... what was his name? Derek Bortles? Always ranting about Derek Bortles. Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place, because they suck!
Jason: No, they don't. All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.
Eleanor: Don't take it personally. He just has to put on a show for the other demons.

Tahani: Eleanor, we have a train, a conductor, and a safe destination. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar. "Let's go." What? That's what I said.

Vicky: What the here, dude?

Shawn: Hello, Michael. Shut the door. Have a seat. When you proposed this new form of torture, we all laughed behind your back. Some people called you names, like "the Thomas Edison of incompetence," or "that dick." But against all odds, it seems you've pulled it off. What you've done here is truly amazing.
Michael: Really?
Shawn: Yes, these reports are remarkable. Your humans are experiencing emotional torture at the same level of physical torture created by our squiggliest eyeball corkscrews. I'm jubilant. As a result of our success, I'm getting a seat on the High Council. We will greatly expand our neighborhood idea, and you will oversee the entire project. You are being promoted. Your Senior Staff pin. Congratulations. This is everything you've ever wanted.
Michael: No, this is everything I've ever wanted. Oh! This is everything I've ever wanted. Oh, wow! You're really happy?
Shawn: Can't you tell? I'm basically squealing like a birthday girl.

Michael: I'd like to start by saying something I've wanted to say for a very long time. Surprise, idiots! You're all in the Bad Place. [Michael & Shawn laugh] That's right, nerds. Everything around you, all you can see, is an elaborate system of torture designed just for you.
Eleanor: Sorry, we're in the Bad Place?
Tahani: Why are you revealing this now?
Michael: Well, it was an experiment, and it worked, so my boss is promoting me. Sorry, I should've introduced you. This is my boss, Shawn.
Shawn: Hello, imbeciles. We need to study everything that happened here. There was a first version that collapsed, but the second has been a huge success. We'll be shutting this place down. The four of you will be brought to the real Bad Pace, where your brains will be removed, studied, and batted around a stadium like beach balls. Your arms will be peeled like bananas. That part's just for fun...
Michael: Right.
Shawn: And then you will be, you know, tortured forever.

Tahani: We should've seen this coming. No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was, "Guess what, Tahani, I'm gonna be Batman."

Michael: Tahani Al-Jamil, elegance, grace, sophistication, but enough about your sister. [audience laughing] You know what the worst moment of Tahani's life was? When the last song played at one of her parties, and she would run off and cry because she still hadn't won her parents' approval. [laughter] You know the other worst moment of Tahani's life? Every other moment of her empty, pointless life! Hey-oh!