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‘The Funeral to End All Funerals’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

The Good Place: The Funeral to End All Funerals

408. The Funeral to End All Funerals

Aired November 14, 2019

As Michael awaits the final results of his year-long experiment, Eleanor, Tahani and Jason throw funerals for themselves.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Let's focus on the big picture here. Free of Earth's complications and its unintended consequences, the other three improved a lot. Chidi got 38% more confident. Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, and John didn't call one single person the C-word.
Judge: But he did yell the C-word at himself as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over.
Shawn: Why are we even still discussing this? Brent got worse. If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.
Judge: He's right; the evidence needed to be overwhelming. I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down because three people got a little bit better.
Michael: But don't forget. There's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, so that's six people. That's the number of friends in Friends. Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel... and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?

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Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful", and, "You don't buy bras at Home Depot", and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot. What the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.

Quote from Judge

Judge: All right, everyone. Let's get this done. This is the single most important case that has ever appeared in my court, and the results will have ramifications for eternity. Before we begin, I'm going to need you all to sign this.
Michael: A petition to bring back Ally McBeal.
Judge: Well, yeah. I mean, everything else is getting rebooted. Get a young hottie in there, you know, like a Zendaya type. Is it Zenday-ah or Zend-iyah?
Shawn: Zenday-ah. Or... I don't...
Judge: I mean, who wouldn't watch that? Am I right? Anyone? Fine.

Quote from Shawn

Shawn: Face it, Michael. You lost. Everything you've done, this experiment, the original neighborhood, sending your little cockroach buddies back to Earth, all of it was for nothing. Bam. You're glue.
Michael: Actually, Shawn, that's a very interesting point.
Shawn: Exactly. What?
Michael: Matt, call up the active files of four people still alive on Earth, Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop, and her stepdaughter Patricia, and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi.
Shawn: They were not part of the experiment. If he gets to bring in random good people into it, I should be able to bring in random bad people. Call up Elizabeth Holmes. No, Henry Kissinger. No... PewDiePie.

Quote from Jason

Jason: What about mine?
Janet: Your friends didn't say things about you so much as they graffitied a Red Lobster about you.
Jason: Yeah, in Jacksonville, that's the first stage of grief.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, or they can put your body out on a shooting range, and you get a $200 state tax credit.

Quote from Jason

Tahani: Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life. He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten to having a pinata on his birthday was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded. But despite it all, he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met.
Janet: Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings. I hadn't had any yet, but it made me want to go get some. I could see something special inside him that no one else could see. It was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum. That's my Jason, a big, colorful, rainbow blob stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.
Eleanor: Plus, I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy so I could talk about what really mattered in life. Wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham.
Jason: Statham forever!
Eleanor: Indeed. Statham forever. Amen.
Tahani: Amen.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Your honor, the people I want to look at are not random. They're four humans the cockroaches helped on Earth. No magic. Just... Just kindness. And I bet their emotional support made those four people better. And if I'm wrong, I'll be the first to say... "We're glue."
Judge: I don't think any of you is using that right, but, fine, let's see it.
Michael: Look. Right there. After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly. Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name that sent 213 women to college. Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, and that little girl... actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication. [chuckles] Yikes. Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?
Shawn: Need I remind you that Brent got worse with every second of every moment of every day.
Judge: Until right at the end. With 10 seconds left, he swung way up.
Michael: This is it, your honor. This is the whole story. No one is beyond rehabilitation. Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being, and the points total tells you that. But what that number can't tell you... is who he could've become tomorrow.

Quote from Janet

Jason: Okay, Janet, where do you want to go for your funeral? Dave and Buster's, probably? You probably want to go to Dave and Buster's. I think I heard her say Dave and Buster's, so let's just go there. We can sort it out later.
Janet: It's nice that you want to honor me, but... you've already given me so much. Tahani taught me that you can make a family, even if you never really had one. Jason taught me I have value beyond what I do for other people. And Eleanor... there was a moment on Earth when all hope was lost, and I watched you have hope anyway. Just thinking about that makes me want to barf up a beautiful quasar.
Tahani: Well said, Janet.

Quote from Judge

Jason: Whoa, whoa. Your honor. Let's just slow down here, and say everything again maybe, because I think some of us were thinking about skateboards and don't know what's going on.
Eleanor: Canceling Earth, doesn't that seem a bit drastic?
Judge: It's just too much of a mess down there, you know? I mean, the simplest solution is to erase everyone that ever lived and restart with a bunch of amoebas or whatever. Then human life will evolve again, or maybe even something better. Maybe this time they won't have baby teeth, you know? That whole thing is so weird, like they fall out and then the bigger teeth just grow out of that same hole. Gross. Anyway, the important thing is Earth... [blows raspberry]

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