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‘Janet(s)’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Good Place: Janet(s)

310. Janet(s)

Aired December 6, 2018

While Eleanor, Chidi, Tihani and Jason hide out in Janet's void, she and Michael visit the Head Accountant, Neil (Stephen Merchant), to investigate whether the Bad Place has hacked their systems.

Quote from Michael

Neil: Well, I've got to run. We're having a little thing in the break room for Marisol's birthday. She turning 39,000,000 again. So, if there's nothing else...
Michael: "If there's nothing else"? Neil, be logical. Not one Good Place resident in over 500 years? Not Jonas Salk? Not Harriet Tubman? Not one single Golden Girl? The Bad Place has hacked your system!
Neil: No, it hasn't. How dare you? Frankly, I'm beginning to resent your tone, sir. If you've got a problem, then go to the Good Place and take it up with the Committee. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to the break room, because there's cake over there, and if I don't move quickly, Erika will get the last corner piece. Good day, sir!

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Quote from Eleanor

Jason: That was awesome! I want to go again!
Eleanor: Where are we?
Michael: We're in the Good Place.
Eleanor: No offense, dude, but you have told us a lot of lies in the last 300 years. So, seriously, where the fork are we? Fork. Shirt. Ash hole. [gasps] Holy forking shirtballs. We're in the Good Place!

Quote from Jason

Chidi-Janet: This is nuts. We're in a void in the body of a white lady.
Eleanor-Janet: Not a lady.
Tahani-Janet: Not a lady, darling.
Jason-Janet: Well, we are white. Let's all say white people things! Billy Joel. I found it on Etsy. There was nowhere to park. Did you refill the Brita?

Quote from Chidi

Eleanor-Janet: I don't get this, man. Why wouldn't you want to know what our life was like? You're not even a little bit curious what it was like to hit this? I don't mean this this. Although, frankly, I would also hit this this.
Chidi-Janet: I don't want to see those memories because, philosophically speaking, they're none of my business. They happened to someone else. Let me explain. [summons a black board] Take a seat. Conceptions of the self. Let's start with John Locke, who believed that personal identity was based on having a continued consciousness. Essentially, memory. Memories are links in a chain that together form a single self. If I can't remember what happened because it happened to a Chidi from another timeline, it's not a unified me.
Jason-Janet: Just because you don't remember doing something doesn't mean you didn't do it. I have no idea how it happened, but there is definitely a tattoo on my butt that says "Jasom."
Chidi-Janet: That brings us to Derek Parfit.
Tahani-Janet: It does?
Chidi-Janet: Parfit said even if I have memories from an earlier time, that doesn't necessarily mean it was me. After all, if my brain was split in two and each half was put in a different person, which one is me? All I know is that other Chidi doesn't exist anymore, and this one does. So this must be the real Chidi.
Eleanor-Janet: And all I know is that you're just barfing Wikipedia all over everyone to avoid talking about your feelings.
Chidi-Janet: Let's talk about David Hume.

Quote from Janet

Michael: Is that a Good Janet or a Bad Janet?
Janet: That's a Neutral Janet. She's sort of the black sheep of the Janet world. Or blank sheep, I guess. Ooh, I can throw shade now. That's cool.
Neutral Janet: You've arrived at the Accounting Office. All point calculations for actions taken on Earth are made here. End of conversation.
Michael: My name is Michael. I need to speak with the Head Accountant on official Good Place business.
Neutral Janet: I will inform the Head Accountant of your presence, and he either will or will not see you in a certain amount of time. End of conversation.
Michael: Wow. Good thing your void plan worked out, huh?
Janet: [burps] ♫ Believe in life after love? ♫ [speaks] Oh, having four humans in my void is weird.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Wow! Ho-ho! Oh, Janet, you did it! You brought us into your void. If I had a heart, it would be pounding.
Janet: Michael...
Michael: You know, you'd think there'd be side effects, but I feel great. How's the hair? Is it still amazing?
Janet: Michael, there may have been some side effects for the humans.
Michael: Huh.
Eleanor-Janet: Dude, why are there so many Janets? And why do I sound like Janet?
Chidi-Janet: You also look like Janet. Do I? Why? What? What is happening? [groans and holds stomach]
Tahani-Janet: Oh, no, am I... wearing a vest? Ooh, Michael, help me!
Michael: This is going to be tricky. How do we even tell them apart?
Jason-Janet: Oh! [points at his breasts and laughs]
Michael: Okay, that one's Jason.

Quote from Eleanor

Janet: I can't put the humans back in their own bodies, so I've done the next best, but still not that great, thing.
Tahani-Janet: A high-neck sleeveless? I suppose this outfit will do?
Eleanor-Janet: [sarcastically] Are you sure? I mean, wearing a floral print to an infinite void at this time of the nothing?

Quote from Michael

Neil: So this is the main feed. Every action by every human on Earth is recorded and then sent here to be assigned a point value based on the absolute moral worth of that action. For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, just decided to have a destination wedding. Negative 1,200 points. Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding. Negative 4,300. The theme's Lord of the Rings. They're basically doomed. [computer beeps] Ah, here's one. This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before.
Michael: "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, hollowed out an eggplant and filled it with hot sauce and nickels."
Neil: And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. But not in this... Oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah. Well, then we zip that over to the relevant departments. In this case, Anastasia in the Stuffed Vegetable Department. We've got Hector over in American Coins, and my dear buddy, Matt, in Weird Sex Things.
Matt: I'm still waiting on a response to the request I filed for immediate suicide.
Neil: Request denied. I love Matty. He's hilarious.
Michael: So, they now examine the action, its use of resources, the intentions behind it, its effects on others.
Neil: Correct. And you end up with this. And here is why tampering is impossible. Because this score is then double-checked by 3 billion other accountants, all chosen at random, and if they all come to the same conclusion, which they always do, it makes this official. Anyone who does this same action in the exact same way loses this many points.

Quote from Michael

Neil: When people die, their biographical history and final point totals are sent to the relevant destination.
This batch is going to the Bad Place. Thank you, Doris. The system is flawless, and tampering is quite impossible.
Michael: I see. Could we look at one specific file, though, just to make sure?
Neil: Oh, who do you want to see... Genghis Khan? Marie Antoinette? Walt Disney's got some freaky stuff in his file.
Michael: Doug Forcett.

Quote from Michael

Neil: Here we go, the Book of Dougs. Let's have a look. Doug Forbush, Doug Forcap... Doug L. Forcett. Hey, no peeking. Accountants only.
Michael: Can you just tell me his total so far?
Neil: Looks like he's at 520,000 points. Well done, Doug.
Michael: So that's... that's good?
Neil: Oh, it's excellent. Wait, he's 68 years old? Oh, that's terrible. He's screwed.
Michael: I knew it! Doug has spent his entire life being nothing but good. He once found a dollar on the ground, and he sent it to the Canadian government to help pay down their national debt. And he isn't even close to getting in? How can that be?
Neil: Look, mate, the points are indisputable. They have been since the beginning.
Michael: "Og Gives His Rock to Grog."
Neil: First ever act of human altruism. Og earned 10,000 points that day. Of course, then Grog used that rock to beat Og's brains in and lost a million points. The point is, the math is cold, objective, and airtight, and unless you can prove otherwise, I don't know how I can help you.
Matt: I just got 700 new Weird Sex Thing files in the last one second.
Neil: Oh, yeah, Burning Man just started. Buckle up, Matty. It's going to be a long week.

Quote from Chidi

Eleanor #6: Chidi, I'm scared.
Chidi-Janet: I know.
Eleanor #6: What am I supposed to be doing right now? I don't remember.
Eleanor #7: I'm having a hard time remembering.
Chidi-Janet: Right. Memories, you need to remember who you are. You're Eleanor Shellstrop from Phoenix, Arizona. [Eleanor keeps transforming] Your favorite meal is shrimp scampi. You listed your emergency contact as Britney Spears as a long-shot way of meeting her, and your favorite movie is that clip of John Travolta saying "Adele Dazeem." You flew halfway around the world because you wanted to be a better person, and it was very brave. You're sharp, and you're strong. You make fun of me a lot. You once called me a human snooze button. But you also showed up in my classroom when I was drowning in despair and canned chili, and you basically saved my life. You have very high self-esteem, and a very low tolerance for men who wear sandals, and your worst nightmare is someone saying something nice about you to your face, but too bad because I need to say it because you deserve it. Because... because...
Eleanor-Janet: Chidi... [they kiss]
[Chidi transforms back into his normal self]
Chidi: [sighs]
Eleanor: [chuckles] Nice work, bud. Did you mean everything you said, or did you just say it because the world was ending?
Chidi: I really want to play this cool, but I'm afraid that I'm going to ruin it if I try to be sexy. I already ruined it. Um, saying the word "sexy" is not sexy... [Eleanor kisses him]

Quote from Janet

Chidi-Janet: So where are we exactly? We're not on Earth, right?
Janet: That's correct, Chidi-Janet. You're not. Your real bodies dematerialized when you entered my void, and your essences reconstituted themselves in this form.
Chidi-Janet: Cool, cool. And when you say "void"...
Janet: Oh, I mean a sub-dimension outside of space and time at the nexus of consciousness and matter tethered to my essence. Does that help?
Chidi-Janet: It does not help. It makes it way worse. I just want to lie down. Where is down?
Jason-Janet: I found it. It's up here. It's dope.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Janet's void has a back door to the Janet warehouse in the Neutral Zone, which is right near Accounting. You four will stay here while Actual Janet and I sneak through it and find the Head Accountant.
Tahani-Jacket: But, Michael, why can't we go with you?
Janet: Well, you just died, which means you're the first humans in history to not immediately go to the Good or Bad Place, which, in turn, makes you inter-dimensional fugitives. So that's neat.
Michael: Also, the Judge is probably still pissed at me for, you know, breaking all the rules, and she might take it out on you. Plus, the Bad Place is probably hunting for us, so, literally, the entire universe is against you.
Eleanor-Janet: Okay, but what's a fourth really good reason? Jeez, just trying to lighten the mood... tough void.
Michael: Now, Janet and I will pose as Good Place employees and sweet-talk the Accountant into showing us his books. If I'm right, we will find proof that the Bad Place is tampering with the point system. The Accountant will tell us what to do, and this will all be over. We're almost at the end, guys. Just stay here and keep Janet's heads on straight.

Quote from Janet

Tahani-Janet: I find this void quite calming, actually. It's like, this time, the Xanax took me.
Chidi-Janet: Oh, I have the worst stomachache.
Eleanor-Janet: Dude, relax. Here, let me see if I can figure this out. [Eleanor summons a puppy]
Chidi-Janet: Oh, wow, Eleanor! How'd you do that?
Eleanor-Janet: I don't know. We're Janets now. So I thought we'd have some bitchin' Janet powers.
Janet: [appears] What just happened? What did you do?
Eleanor-Janet: Sorry, I'm just trying to help Chidi calm down...
Janet: The structural integrity of this void is already at risk. You can't start randomly conjuring up objects, or it might shatter the void. [cutesy talk to the puppy] Yes, it might. It might make everything blow up, and we'll all disappear forever. Mwah. So stop it!

Quote from Janet

Michael: Everything okay?
Janet: Nope. [gives thumbs up]
Michael: Well...
Neutral Janet: The Head Accountant has decided to see you. This will happen now. End of conversation.

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