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‘...Someone Like Me as a Member’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: ...Someone Like Me as a Member

109. ...Someone Like Me as a Member

Aired November 3, 2016

Michael negotiates with Trevor (Adam Scott) to sort out the problem of the two Eleanors. Meanwhile, Chidi meets his true soulmate, the real Eleanor.

Quote from Tahani

Michael: Oh, Tahani, I'm so sorry. I will obviously clean all of this up.
Tahani: I don't care about the house, Michael. I'm just upset that you let them walk all over you.
Michael: I know... they're the only thing in the Universe that scares me. I know what I have to do. I just have to be... more accommodating. Offer them everything they want, give in to all of their demands, and then they'll have to respect me.
Tahani: No, you need to stand up for yourself. I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin. "You are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit 'unfriend.'" I also told Mark to lose the "the". Just "Facebook." That was me.

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Quote from Janet

Jason: Hey, Janet. You look sad.
Janet: People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.
Jason: That was my whole life on Earth. You know, it doesn't matter if you know things. All that matters is what's in your heart.
Janet: Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart, but thanks.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Hello, Jianyu. You got sloppy. I found your junk food all over the house, and then, last night, you knew how to tap a keg. So I thought I would come in here and investigate your little "meditation" den. What I found was this. Now, I don't know who you are, but I do know that you're not a Buddhist monk. So let's chat, shall we?

Quote from Vicky

Eleanor: Your parents are still together, I guess.
Real Eleanor: Oh, actually, um, I... I'm not sure. I never met my birth parents. They put me in an empty fish tank and abandoned me at a train station in Bangladesh. Luckily, I was found and adopted by a very nice couple, the Shellstrops...
Trevor: Oh, thank God.
Real Eleanor: But then they died when I was four. Bird flu.
Chidi: That's awful.
Real Eleanor: Anyway, orphanage burned down, yadda yadda yadda, made my way to America, yadda yadda yadda, learned English from watching Seinfeld, put myself through law school, and here I am.

Quote from Eleanor

Trevor: Hey, dingdongs. We figured out what's happened here. You two are both named Eleanor Shellstrop. The day you died, you were both in Phoenix, Arizona shopping at the same grocery store. [blows raspberry]
Michael: The "real Eleanor" was attending a conference on the death penalty, and you stopped by to pick up food for a local homeless shelter. And "fake Eleanor" was there buying margarita mix and a magazine called "Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters." Incredibly, you both died in the same 10,000th of a second in the same traffic accident because Real Eleanor was trying to save Fake Eleanor's life by pushing you out of the way of the truck.
Eleanor: I guess you really botched that one, eh?
Real Eleanor: I did, and I am so, so sorry.
Eleanor: It's all good.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Well, here's... your house.
Real Eleanor: It's beautiful... I love Icelandic primitive design. I kind of wish it had a clown nook, oh... There it is.
Eleanor: Here's the bedroom. It's kind of hard to get up on this dumb ledge though, it's like...
[Real Eleanor presses a button and stairs slide out from under the ledge]
Eleanor: [gasps] You have got to be forking kidding me.

Quote from Trevor

Trevor: Hey, Fake Eleanor, we used this same clown painting to decorate the room you were supposed to live in down there. I swear to Bieber.
Chidi: Wait, what was your house like?
Real Eleanor: Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare. Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn't know, but also somehow I had to organize it. And if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock.
Trevor: Yep, that was my pitch.

Quote from Janet

Tahani: All right, Michael, we're going to ply them with delicious food and drink, and then we're going to subtly segue into negotiation.
Michael: They're sure to be in a good mood. Everything is absolutely beautiful.
Chad: This sucks, dude.
Troy: Yeah, this food, uh, blows. Yo, Good Janet.
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Troy: Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeno poppers.
Janet: Sure, quick question: what is a "jalapeno"? Also: what is a "poppers"? Also: what is "jalapeno poppers"?

Quote from Trevor

Trevor: I can't believe you thought you could pretend to be Real Eleanor. She's like a perfect ball of light, and you're like a... wet pile of mulch. Someone made a person out of wet mulch and leaves and, like, dead slugs, and that's you.

Quote from Jason

Janet: Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question?
Jason: Sure.
Janet: What are jalapeno poppers?
Jason: Oh, I know this one! Okay, they're deep fried jalapeno filled with cheese.
Janet: Hm.
Jason: One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes. Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.
Janet: Got it. Thanks, Jianyu.
Jason: You're welcome. [hugs Janet]
Janet: Why did you do that?
Jason: Because you're the only person here that's nice to me.
Janet: Okay.

Quote from Chidi

Eleanor: Oh... Oh, my head.
Chidi: Here, drink this.
Eleanor: How am I hung over? I thought there were no hangovers here.
Chidi: Well, the Bad Place Crew requested the hangover filter be turned off. They like them.

Quote from Eleanor

Michael: Is this true? Fake Eleanor, are you giving up?
Trevor: Yeah, of course she is. She knows this place isn't for her. Let's go, dingdong. Come on.
Eleanor: No, I'm not leaving.
Trevor: Oh, come on, sweetheart, we've been through this. You know you don't belong here.
Eleanor: You're right. I don't... But I want to. I used to never want to be a part of any group, but I'm a different person now because of the person who helped me, and I want to be like him. I want to be like all the people who are here.
Real Eleanor: You can, Eleanor.
Eleanor: Thanks, Real Eleanor.

Quote from Michael

Trevor: Look, if you don't come with us, we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.
Michael: Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?
Chidi: Wha... uh, who's... Who's Shawn?
Michael: He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.
Tahani: And his name is... "Shawn"?
Trevor: Okay, look, I don't want Shawn involved either, so how about you blow us away with an offer so we can end this.
Michael: Okay... Here's my offer. You... get... nothing. We're not letting Fake Eleanor go, and we're not giving you anything.
Tahani: Get him, Michael!
Michael: You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear. They have them down there. But we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in the Good Place. If I'm wrong, you can take her to the Bad Place and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her.
Eleanor: Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.
Michael: But she's staying here. Now, all of you... Get the fork out of my neighborhood.

Quote from Eleanor

Real Eleanor: And then at night, it was pretty classic torture. Uh, flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv, and there was always jazz music playing.
Eleanor: Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.
Chidi: Famously a piano player.

Quote from Trevor

Trevor: [clipping toenails] Fire in the hole... watch your heads, ladies. My dudes tend to boomerang around the room.

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