Michael: Oh, Tahani, I'm so sorry. I will obviously clean all of this up.
Tahani: I don't care about the house, Michael. I'm just upset that you let them walk all over you.
Michael: I know... they're the only thing in the Universe that scares me. I know what I have to do. I just have to be... more accommodating. Offer them everything they want, give in to all of their demands, and then they'll have to respect me.
Tahani: No, you need to stand up for yourself. I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin. "You are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit 'unfriend.'" I also told Mark to lose the "the". Just "Facebook." That was me.

Jason: Hey, Janet. You look sad.
Janet: People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.
Jason: That was my whole life on Earth. You know, it doesn't matter if you know things. All that matters is what's in your heart.
Janet: Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart, but thanks.

Tahani: Hello, Jianyu. You got sloppy. I found your junk food all over the house, and then, last night, you knew how to tap a keg. So I thought I would come in here and investigate your little "meditation" den. What I found was this. Now, I don't know who you are, but I do know that you're not a Buddhist monk. So let's chat, shall we?

Eleanor: Your parents are still together, I guess.
Real Eleanor: Oh, actually, um, I... I'm not sure. I never met my birth parents. They put me in an empty fish tank and abandoned me at a train station in Bangladesh. Luckily, I was found and adopted by a very nice couple, the Shellstrops...
Trevor: Oh, thank God.
Real Eleanor: But then they died when I was four. Bird flu.
Chidi: That's awful.
Real Eleanor: Anyway, orphanage burned down, yadda yadda yadda, made my way to America, yadda yadda yadda, learned English from watching Seinfeld, put myself through law school, and here I am.

Trevor: Hey, dingdongs. We figured out what's happened here. You two are both named Eleanor Shellstrop. The day you died, you were both in Phoenix, Arizona shopping at the same grocery store. [blows raspberry]
Michael: The "real Eleanor" was attending a conference on the death penalty, and you stopped by to pick up food for a local homeless shelter. And "fake Eleanor" was there buying margarita mix and a magazine called "Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters." Incredibly, you both died in the same 10,000th of a second in the same traffic accident because Real Eleanor was trying to save Fake Eleanor's life by pushing you out of the way of the truck.
Eleanor: I guess you really botched that one, eh?
Real Eleanor: I did, and I am so, so sorry.
Eleanor: It's all good.

Eleanor: Well, here's... your house.
Real Eleanor: It's beautiful... I love Icelandic primitive design. I kind of wish it had a clown nook, oh... There it is.
Eleanor: Here's the bedroom. It's kind of hard to get up on this dumb ledge though, it's like...
[Real Eleanor presses a button and stairs slide out from under the ledge]
Eleanor: [gasps] You have got to be forking kidding me.

Trevor: Hey, Fake Eleanor, we used this same clown painting to decorate the room you were supposed to live in down there. I swear to Bieber.
Chidi: Wait, what was your house like?
Real Eleanor: Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare. Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn't know, but also somehow I had to organize it. And if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock.
Trevor: Yep, that was my pitch.

Tahani: All right, Michael, we're going to ply them with delicious food and drink, and then we're going to subtly segue into negotiation.
Michael: They're sure to be in a good mood. Everything is absolutely beautiful.
Chad: This sucks, dude.
Troy: Yeah, this food, uh, blows. Yo, Good Janet.
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Troy: Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeno poppers.
Janet: Sure, quick question: what is a "jalapeno"? Also: what is a "poppers"? Also: what is "jalapeno poppers"?

Trevor: I can't believe you thought you could pretend to be Real Eleanor. She's like a perfect ball of light, and you're like a... wet pile of mulch. Someone made a person out of wet mulch and leaves and, like, dead slugs, and that's you.

Janet: Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question?
Jason: Sure.
Janet: What are jalapeno poppers?
Jason: Oh, I know this one! Okay, they're deep fried jalapeno filled with cheese.
Janet: Hm.
Jason: One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes. Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.
Janet: Got it. Thanks, Jianyu.
Jason: You're welcome. [hugs Janet]
Janet: Why did you do that?
Jason: Because you're the only person here that's nice to me.
Janet: Okay.