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‘The Burrito’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: The Burrito

212. The Burrito

Aired January 25, 2018

Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani and Jason appear before the Judge (Maya Rudolph) and plead their case. Meanwhile, Michael awaits his punishment from Shawn.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Your honor, please hear our case. You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through just to be here today.
Judge: I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you, but keep talking. I am, like, obsessed with your accent.
Tahani: We have made so much progress and all we ask is an audience with you to prove it. Is that not your very purpose... to weigh in on matters such as ours? To paraphrase a song written by my godfather... "Hey, judge. Don't make it bad. Take a sad group and make us better."

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Quote from Michael

Shawn: So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over 800 times, and all of these reports of their torture are completely fake?
Michael: Yes, but frankly, this is on you. A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels and episodes of Pretty Little Liars.

Quote from Michael

Shawn: How could you betray your own kind like this? Who taught you how to turn a human inside out by reaching down their throat and grabbing their butt from the inside?
Michael: You did.
Shawn: You got that right, sister. And this is how you repay me.
Michael: Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me. In the words of one of my actual friends... Ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: You know, I thought I'd have a stomachache right now, but weirdly... I do.
Eleanor: There's my guy.
Chidi: What?
Eleanor: Doesn't matter. I'm gonna miss you, bud. Every time they pull my eyeballs out through my mouth, I'll think of you.

Quote from Jason

Judge: Jason.
Jason: Present!
Judge: Good. In front of you is a video game system loaded with Madden football.
Jason: Are you kidding me? I'm the best at Madden. I call Jaguars.
Judge: As I was about to tell you, you can only play against the Jaguars.
Jason: No.
Judge: Using their archrivals, the Tennessee Titans.
Jason: No!
Judge: If you play the game and you lose...
Jason: Oh. I'm gonna win. Say no more, scary judge lady. Tell my friends their souls are in good hands.
Jason: No, I fumbled the kickoff! Titans suck.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up. Focus. There'll be Fergies a-plenty in the Good Place.

Quote from Chidi

Eleanor: Where is the real Chidi, though? Is he okay?
Judge: He's still taking his test.
[meanwhile, a clock ticks as Chidi stands in a room with two hats:]
Chidi: Okay, this is ridiculous. Um... I'm just gonna choose... Brown. Gray's the obvious choice, which is probably why I shouldn't choose it. Brown. Nope. Gray. Nope. Brown. Brown hat. [door opens]

Quote from Jason

Jason: That... was... Awesome! I'm going again!
Eleanor: No.
Chidi: I think I barfed in another dimension before we landed. Is my barf just gonna float out there forever? Is someone gonna fly through my barf when they use the portal?
Eleanor: Ugh, stop saying barf.
Chidi: And where's Michael?
Eleanor: He's not coming. He sacrificed himself to save me. The last thing I saw was Shawn grabbing him.
Jason: Was it a nice grab or a bad grab?
Eleanor: A bad grab.
Jason: Like, a nice bad grab, or a mean bad grab?

Quote from Judge

Tahani: No Michael and no Janet. Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye. Not even a mere toodleloo. [the portal slams shut]
Eleanor: We're on our own. We have to handle this ourselves. Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so... where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.
Chidi: Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or... or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.
Jason: I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless... The burrito is the Judge.
Tahani: Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.
Eleanor: Ah-ah. He could be right.
Chidi: What? Really?
Eleanor: I don't know, I'm just saying we've certainly seen weirder things than an all-knowing burrito. We can't take any chances. Hello, Your Excellency. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. We doth seek thine judgment. We've traveled a long distance to see you, o great one.
Judge: What are you guys looking at? [all scream and exclaim] Hi. I'm the Judge. That's a burrito. What's up, guys?

Quote from Judge

Judge: Yeah, I did not think I had a case today. The paperwork should've shown up by now. Unless you guys just, like, came here. Wait, did you guys just come here? [gasps] Oh, my God. You guys are bad. Which one is the worst one of you? Is it you, glasses? Oh, I bet it's you.
Eleanor: Okay, yeah, well, we did just sort of "show up," but we had to. We were escaping the Bad Place, which now that I think about it, there might be some demons following us.
Judge: Oh, don't worry about that. Anytime anyone shows up in my chambers, the portal is sealed until I issue my ruling. So, you guys can relax. Get comfortable. [their outfits change as she snaps her fingers]
Tahani: [gasps] A classic Saint Crispin's Day garden party frock. Wait, is it after 4:00 p.m.? Not important.

Quote from Judge

Judge: Let's have a look at your files.
Chidi: Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?
Judge: Well... Not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. I've been bingeing Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long. You know what I'm saying. Anyway, your petition is denied. I can't hear your case. Please exit to the rear.
Chidi: What?
Judge: I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say you guys are so cute. And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta [blows raspberry]... Send you back.

Quote from Judge

Judge: Say aluminum.
Tahani: Aluminium.
Judge: I love that!
Judge: And I love your passion. I mean, it takes a lot of guts to just show up here unannounced. Plus, I haven't had a case in, like, 30 years and I'm super bored. So, it's either this or start Bloodline, and I don't know, I just don't feel like I can see Kyle Chandler as anyone else but Coach Taylor.
Eleanor: So, the case?
Judge: Right. [rises] Let's do it.

Quote from Jason

Judge: I'm going to give each of you a test to see how much progress you've made. And if I deem you fit to be in the Good Place, then... zoop. Up you go. Well, actually, sort of that way. [exlaims]
Eleanor: Great. Can we be tested together as a group?
Jason: Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi. Oh, that's why your name is Chidi. I get it now.

Quote from Judge

Judge: I'm sorry, cuties, the tests have to be individual.
Eleanor: Well, can we be graded as a group then? The only reason we've come this far is because we've helped each other. And I don't think anything's gonna feel like the Good Place if we're not together.
Judge: So, if you all pass, you're in. And if even one of you fails, you're all effed, right? [all nod] Terrible idea. I mean, truly awful. You are very lucky that I cannot send you to the Bad Idea place, because that one is a stanker. But whatever blows your dress up, am I right?

Quote from Judge

Judge: Tahani... it's such a pretty name. My name is super boring... Gen. It's just short for hydrogen, which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born. Anywho. All you have to do is go through there, walk down the hallway, and through the red door at the end.
Tahani: That's it? That's my test?
Judge: Yep. Oh, also everyone in every room that you pass is going to be discussing what they truly think about you. Okay, have fun.

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