Tahani: Your honor, please hear our case. You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through just to be here today.
Judge: I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you, but keep talking. I am, like, obsessed with your accent.
Tahani: We have made so much progress and all we ask is an audience with you to prove it. Is that not your very purpose... to weigh in on matters such as ours? To paraphrase a song written by my godfather... "Hey, judge. Don't make it bad. Take a sad group and make us better."

Shawn: So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over 800 times, and all of these reports of their torture are completely fake?
Michael: Yes, but frankly, this is on you. A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels and episodes of Pretty Little Liars.

Shawn: How could you betray your own kind like this? Who taught you how to turn a human inside out by reaching down their throat and grabbing their butt from the inside?
Michael: You did.
Shawn: You got that right, sister. And this is how you repay me.
Michael: Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me. In the words of one of my actual friends... Ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.

Chidi: You know, I thought I'd have a stomachache right now, but weirdly... I do.
Eleanor: There's my guy.
Chidi: What?
Eleanor: Doesn't matter. I'm gonna miss you, bud. Every time they pull my eyeballs out through my mouth, I'll think of you.

Judge: Jason.
Jason: Present!
Judge: Good. In front of you is a video game system loaded with Madden football.
Jason: Are you kidding me? I'm the best at Madden. I call Jaguars.
Judge: As I was about to tell you, you can only play against the Jaguars.
Jason: No.
Judge: Using their archrivals, the Tennessee Titans.
Jason: No!
Judge: If you play the game and you lose...
Jason: Oh. I'm gonna win. Say no more, scary judge lady. Tell my friends their souls are in good hands.
Jason: No, I fumbled the kickoff! Titans suck.

Tahani: Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up. Focus. There'll be Fergies a-plenty in the Good Place.

Eleanor: Where is the real Chidi, though? Is he okay?
Judge: He's still taking his test.
[meanwhile, a clock ticks as Chidi stands in a room with two hats:]
Chidi: Okay, this is ridiculous. Um... I'm just gonna choose... Brown. Gray's the obvious choice, which is probably why I shouldn't choose it. Brown. Nope. Gray. Nope. Brown. Brown hat. [door opens]

Jason: That... was... Awesome! I'm going again!
Eleanor: No.
Chidi: I think I barfed in another dimension before we landed. Is my barf just gonna float out there forever? Is someone gonna fly through my barf when they use the portal?
Eleanor: Ugh, stop saying barf.
Chidi: And where's Michael?
Eleanor: He's not coming. He sacrificed himself to save me. The last thing I saw was Shawn grabbing him.
Jason: Was it a nice grab or a bad grab?
Eleanor: A bad grab.
Jason: Like, a nice bad grab, or a mean bad grab?

Tahani: No Michael and no Janet. Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye. Not even a mere toodleloo. [the portal slams shut]
Eleanor: We're on our own. We have to handle this ourselves. Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so... where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.
Chidi: Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or... or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.
Jason: I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless... The burrito is the Judge.
Tahani: Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.
Eleanor: Ah-ah. He could be right.
Chidi: What? Really?
Eleanor: I don't know, I'm just saying we've certainly seen weirder things than an all-knowing burrito. We can't take any chances. Hello, Your Excellency. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. We doth seek thine judgment. We've traveled a long distance to see you, o great one.
Judge: What are you guys looking at? [all scream and exclaim] Hi. I'm the Judge. That's a burrito. What's up, guys?

Judge: Yeah, I did not think I had a case today. The paperwork should've shown up by now. Unless you guys just, like, came here. Wait, did you guys just come here? [gasps] Oh, my God. You guys are bad. Which one is the worst one of you? Is it you, glasses? Oh, I bet it's you.
Eleanor: Okay, yeah, well, we did just sort of "show up," but we had to. We were escaping the Bad Place, which now that I think about it, there might be some demons following us.
Judge: Oh, don't worry about that. Anytime anyone shows up in my chambers, the portal is sealed until I issue my ruling. So, you guys can relax. Get comfortable. [their outfits change as she snaps her fingers]
Tahani: [gasps] A classic Saint Crispin's Day garden party frock. Wait, is it after 4:00 p.m.? Not important.