Eleanor: But wait, why is Chidi here?
Chidi: Well, uh... there's something you don't know about me. I read an article saying that growing almonds was bad for the environment, and yet I continued to use almond milk in my coffee...
Michael: No, dingus! You hurt everyone in your life with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.
Chidi: Oh, fork! You're right. Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything. I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone. I made everyone miserable.

Chidi: So we're in the Bad Place, and I know why: almond milk. I knew it was bad for the environment, but I loved the way it coated my tongue with a weird film.

Chidi: Here's the thing about me. You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time. It's just this constant grinding about things I'm afraid of or things that I want or want to want or want to want to...
Eleanor: Is it grinding in there right now, bud?
Chidi: Yep, but the point is... the circumstances under which me met are completely insane. And that just makes the grinding harder. I just wish we met the way normal people meet. Like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures. Or you came knocking on my office door asking for help with philosophy.
Eleanor: Is that how you think people meet?
Chidi: I don't know how normal people meet.
Eleanor: You're such a nerd.

Chidi: Well, if it is hell, I know why I'm here. Almond milk. I drank so much of it despite the negative environmental impacts.

Chidi: But definitely a no on the rap musical?
Eleanor: I mean, if we really...
Chidi: [rapping] My name is Kierkegaard, and my writing is impeccable. Check out my teleological suspension of the ethical.
Eleanor: No.
Chidi: No! Right? [laughs] No, it felt like a no when I was doing it.

Eleanor: I was never good at being sad, partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?
Chidi: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.
Eleanor: I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
Chidi: Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through, and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore, and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a... a different way for the water to be for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, and where it's supposed to be.
Eleanor: Not bad, Buddhists.
Chidi: Not bad. None of this is bad.
Eleanor: I need you to do me one last favor.
Chidi: Mm-hmm?
Eleanor: Say good-bye to me now, and leave before I wake up.

Chidi: So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.
Eleanor: I like this one. It's simple. Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?
Chidi: Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...

Chidi: Quick summary of contractualism. Uh, imagine a group of reasonable people are coming up with the rules for a new society.
Eleanor: Like if your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free?
Chidi: Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair. So if you said, "We should be able to break our promises without any repercussions," someone would veto that rule.
Eleanor: Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.
Chidi: Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally frowned upon. If you make a promise to someone, you should do it. Just like I promised to help you and still am, despite your constant mockery.
Eleanor: [mockingly] "Despite your constant mockery." Whatever, you love it.

Chidi: So, how do you choose who I should be with?
Michael: Oh, I don't choose. You do, Chidi.
Chidi: I... [stammers] What?
Michael: This is Angelique, Pedro, and Pevita. According to the system, either Pedro or Chidi could be matched perfectly with either Angelique or Pevita. So, figure it out. Should be fun.
Chidi: Cool... beans. One second, guys. Um, so, so, so...
Michael: Yeah?
Chidi: Yeah, so... making decisions isn't necessarily my strong suit.
Michael: I know that, buddy. You... you once had a panic attack at a make-your-own-sundae bar.
Chidi: There were too many toppings. And very early in the process you had to commit to a chocolate palate or a fruit palate, and if you couldn't decide, you wound up with kiwi-Junior-Mint-raisin, and it just ruins everyone's night.

Chidi: This is an exciting day. We are going to tackle The Trolley Problem.
Jason: Is this a game? I go first. I call blue.
Chidi: There's no... this is... No, this is a thought experiment first introduced by British philosopher Philippa Foot in 1967. You are driving a trolley when the brakes fail, and on the track ahead of you are five workmen that you will run over. Now, you can steer to another track, but on that track is one person you would kill instead of the five. What do you do?