Michael: I admire your breadth of knowledge. I can only do one thing: be an architect. I've spent the last 500 Bearimies trying to learn how to play the guitar, and I just mastered "Hey There Delilah."
Tahani: Don't sell yourself short, Michael. I dare say you're the greatest architect in existence, and I should know.
All: Frank Gehry is my godfather.
Tahani: Fair enough. I deserved that.

Eleanor: I was never good at being sad, partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?
Chidi: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.
Eleanor: I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
Chidi: Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through, and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore, and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a... a different way for the water to be for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, and where it's supposed to be.
Eleanor: Not bad, Buddhists.
Chidi: Not bad. None of this is bad.
Eleanor: I need you to do me one last favor.
Chidi: Mm-hmm?
Eleanor: Say good-bye to me now, and leave before I wake up.

Judge: This meeting of the Joint Council of Afterlife Affairs is called to order. Let's make this quick, kids. I just started rewatching The Leftovers. Honestly, when I found out that Carrie Coon was never nominated, I almost erased 2% of humanity.

Janet: Okay. So, here's your driver's license and your Social Security card. I set up a bank account for you. There's enough money in there so that you don't starve, but not so much that you become an entitled jerk.
Michael: Thank you, Janet.
Janet: Make a doctor's appointment as soon as you get down there. And no salty food. You have to keep your blood pressure down. You have blood now.
Michael: I'll be fine. I'll be okay.
Janet: I know. I just worry.
Michael: I'll see you again, you know. I'll see you when I get back.
Janet: [voice breaking] Okay. If you rent a car, don't pay for the insurance. It's a scam. Okay.
[Michael walks through the door and walks out onto a street on Earth:]
Michael: Man, it's hot. But it's a... it's a dry heat.

Michael: Honestly, our biggest problem is that we need more architects and actors.
Vicky: Well, sorry, but these younger demon actors have no dedication to their craft. They think they can just start acting. They have to learn that acting is reacting, and reacting is pre-acting, but pre-acting, well, that's just being.
Judge: Okay, take it down a notch, Daniel Day-Lewis.

Janet: What do you think happens when people walk through the door? It's the only thing in the universe I don't know.
Eleanor: I don't know either. The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me, true joy is in the mystery.
Janet: Do you mind if I stay here until you're gone?
Eleanor: Only if you say that thing I taught you.
Janet: I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence, but I love to watch you leave.
Eleanor: There we go.

Eleanor: "Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task." Boom! I did it! It only took me 2,000 Bearimies, but I finally finished that book. Ha-ha, sucker! Reading you was an unending task, but I freaking did it!
Chidi: Congrats, babe.
Eleanor: Thanks. What are you reading?
Chidi: "The Da Vinci Code."
Eleanor: Really?
Chidi: Yeah, after a thousand lifetimes of reading the most difficult writings in the world, I've acquired a new passion. Garbage books. Hey, do you think I would've been a good symbologist, if that were a real job?
Eleanor: Yes, I do. You're very cute.

Eleanor: Knock, knock, knock.
Mindy St. Claire: Oh. Hey, what's up?
Eleanor: Can I talk to you for a sec?
Mindy St. Claire: Yeah, sure, why not? Hey, Derek?
Derek: [appears as a blue head] Yes, Mindy? What can Derek do for you?
Mindy St. Claire: Eleanor and I are gonna talk for a bit, so go into your nether sphere.
Eleanor: That's Derek?
Derek: Mindy has rebooted Derek more than 151 million times. Derek is now both a singular point in space, and yet, Derek also contains space itself. The nexus of Derek is without dimension. The moment of Derek's creation and the eventual heat death of the universe are now inexorably the same.
Mindy St. Claire: Ugh, you are so annoying! [restarts Derek]

Judge: Michael, update?
Michael: Things are going fairly well. A new crop of humans just passed their tests. Among the notables who got in, Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston, Saint Thomas Aquinas...
Chidi: Yes!
Michael: Eighth-century Sufi mystic poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri, and Clara Peller. She was the "Where's the beef?" lady.
Judge: Oh.
Michael: "Where's the beef?" lady got in. So, that's fun.

Chidi: Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Diogenes, they all gathered right here in the Agora. It was like the Avengers, but for super thinkers. [Eleanor laughs] Oh, come on. You brought me here. You knew what was gonna happen.
Eleanor: No, I love that you're so happy. Hey, let me ask you something. Is it weird that when I picture ancient Greeks, I make them really hot? Like, to me, Aristotle is basically John Stamos with a beard.
Chidi: Honestly, that's kind of how I picture him too.
Eleanor: Good, same page. [they high five]