John: Oh, goodie. Cucumber water.
Janet: Nope. This is fresh water from Oprah's estate in Maui with mushrooms from her private bog in the Pyrenees Mountains.
John: Oh, my God. It tastes like candy.
Tahani: You know what they say. A mushroom from Oprah's bog is better than anything from anywhere else.
John: Ugh, I didn't know that they said that. I missed out on all the cool celebrity sayings.
Tahani: Say good-bye to FOMO. You can finally experience the best of the best.
John: The only thing that would make this any better is some hot goss. [chuckles]
Tahani: Very well. Our story begins when I ran into Robbie Williams, Heidi Klum, and the remaining members of Fifth Harmony at the Dolce & Gabbana spring show.
John: Hate him, loathe her, over them, cancel it, tell me everything.

Tahani: Hello, all! I took the liberty of preparing a few simple snacks.
John: Whew, this place is nice! Did anyone else see that movie The Lake House with Keanu and Sandy B? Oh, I love a movie with gentle magic. Give me a time-traveling mailbox or a mother-daughter body switch, or like, uh, Sarah Michelle Gellar as a chef and her food tastes amazing because she cries in it? [chuckles] I should've been a screenwriter.

John: Plus, Jianyu guided us on that amazing meditation. Oh, do you guys want to share what your mantra is? Mine is Cate Blanchett saying "Rihanna."

John: So Jianyu is really Jason from Florida? Who else knows about this? Is it just me? [gasps] Is it an exclusive?
Chidi: Yes, and we have to keep it that way. If the truth comes out, we have no idea what will happen to Jason.
John: You don't know what you're asking of me. Look, the neighborhood is obviously amazing, but it's also a little season four of Downton Abbey. Beautifully designed, but a real snooze-fest. Jason being a mistake is easily the most exciting thing that's happened since we got here!
Chidi: What if, in exchange for your discretion, Jason teaches you that "Magic Mike" body roll thing? Huh? I mean, you always said you wanted to learn that.
John: Fine. But I want to learn the whole dance.

Chidi: Hey, thanks for not telling anyone about Jason.
John: Oh, well, ever since I arrived here, Tahani helped me realize that gossip was an unhealthy way for me to boost my self-esteem. But on the other hand, this Jason tea needs to be spilled.
Chidi: Just try to remember what Immanuel Kant said. It is your duty to keep your friend's secrets.
John: But my favorite philosopher, Bethenny Frankel, would say that I have a duty to "mention it all!", and "if you can't handle the truth, then you can't handle me!"
Chidi: And once again, I beg you, please listen to Emmanuel Kant and not Bethenny Frankel.
John: Ah, well, I gotta goss about something. What about a few blind items that I picked up around the neighborhood? You wanna know who wears the same dumb shorts every day?
Chidi: No, I don't.
John: It's Dumb Shorts Cathy.

Tahani: I am very excited for tonight. And dare I say, you all look so splendid, you could work the coat check at the Met Gala.
John: Ooh, speaking of the Met Gala, remember that security cam footage of Solange and Jay-Z fighting in the elevator? I learned to read lips. Turns out, she was yelling, "No fair, I wanted to be the one to push the button." [chuckles] So, uh, yeah, it wasn't as juicy as some people maybe thought it was.

John: Tahani Al-Jamil.
Tahani: Yes? Do I know you?
John: Uh, no, no, but I know you. I used to write about you all the time on my blog, The Gossip Toilet. We were the ones that invented the Olsen twins countdown clock for when they became legal. That was our blog. That was us. [chuckles]
Tahani: Oh, my. You were quite mean to me.
John: Oh, no. I wouldn't call it mean, okay? My targets were rich and high status and I was just doing the important work of telling truth to power. So, wait, what about you, huh? You died in Canada? [shouts] That is so weird and embarrassing. That's like the nip slip of dying... [laughs] Okay, listen. We're gonna catch up later. I can't wait to hear all about your new nose.
Tahani: Oh, no. I didn't get a nose job.
John: Oh, I know, I just figured we're in heaven so we might as well fix all of our flaws, right? Like, look at me. Nothing is staying on this face. [laughs] Gosh. Huh. What are the odds that you and I would end up spending eternity together?

John: So Natalie Portman does all of Scarlett Johansson's stunts? Why?
Tahani: For the power. Just to say she can.
John: [scoffs] Sure, I get that. [chuckles] Tahani, I feel amazing.
Tahani: Thank you. You're quite welcome! Hey, you know what would give you an even more luminous glow? There was this sort of inner treatment that was all the rage on Earth, the study of ethics. Think of it as a colonic, but for your soul! Our resident philosopher Chidi Anagonye leads an ethics study group in his apartment. What do you say you and I sit in?
John: Would I like to use my time in heaven to audit a philosophy class? Um... no. You stay crazy, girl! Bye.

John: Hey, girl. Want to hit up the spa tomorrow? I want to try that new Little Mermaid treatment, the one where they remove your vocal chords and it somehow makes your legs look amazing.
Tahani: Perhaps, but I was hoping to bend your ear on a more serious matter. The things you used to write, frankly... were hurtful.
John: What? Name one.
Tahani: I gained five pounds, and you called me "Ta-Hammy All-the-Meals".
John: I mean, that's just poetry.
Tahani: Well, you were so mean to Daniel Day-Lewis, he quit acting.
John: Oh, I'm sorry, was he living in character as a man who thought he could pull off boot-cut jeans? You know what? I see what this is. This has been a fake friendship. This whole week has just been a wind-up to a sucker-punch.
Tahani: No, it hasn't. I just want you to recognize that your blog hurt people. And you have a chance to be better here.
John: B'scuse me? You're telling me to be better? While you were gallivanting around with your fancy friends, I lived in the real world, so I had bills to pay. I worked 16 hours a day by myself building a site with millions of readers. You're the one with issues, sweetheart. If you spot it, you got it. Whoosh. That's another deuce for the gossip toilet.

Tahani: The point is, if all you care about in the world is the velvet rope, you will always be unhappy no matter which side you're on. You and I are proof of that. But now we're here. Can we just start over?
John: Well... if we're gonna be friends, I need to say something. I really am sorry for all the posts I wrote about you. And everything I tweeted. And scrawled on the back of a playbill during the intermission of Wicked and had someone pass it to you and say it was from an anonymous concerned citizen.
Tahani: That was you? [John clicks his tongue] Well, my bangs were making my ears look chunky. That was a fair hit. [laughter] It's a lovely night. Would you like to go for a walk?