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‘Somewhere Else’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Good Place: Somewhere Else

213. Somewhere Else

Aired February 1, 2018

After the Judge (Maya Rudolph) decides that the humans do not belong in the Good Place, Michael convinces her to try an alternative solution.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: And in the end, Anthony Anderson and Jerry O'Connell start a successful shampoo company and you see the kangaroo jumping around Australia. That is the plot of the movie Kangaroo Jack. Why did I tell you that?
Michael: It's unclear.

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Quote from Tahani

Eleanor: Wow, so you saw your parents in the test?
Tahani: Yes. And I immediately fell right back into my old pattern, desperately trying to impress them and earn their admiration. Then I heard this little voice in my head saying, "Tahani, don't do this."
Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey.
Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother. Anyway, I took a deep breath, told them I ate a Cheeto, and walked away.
Eleanor: Man. You have made so much progress. I'm proud of you, hot stuff.
Tahani: Whatever progress I have made, it's because you and I have become mates. That's British for "friends."
Eleanor: No, I know.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Hey, man. What's up? [Chidi kisses her] Hot diggity dog. Oh, no! Now the thing I said right after we kissed will always be "hot diggity dog." Whatever. It was an honest reaction. I stand by it.

Quote from Jason

Jason: Shotgun. Whatever they're talking about, if there's a shotgun, I call shotgun.

Quote from Jason

Judge: So, Michael, you're saying there's a new angle I should consider in this case? Love that. Major drama. Spill the tea, sweetheart.
Michael: The premise of our system is that a person's score during her time on Earth is final and inarguable, but because of my accidental experiment, these four humans got better after they died. That's not supposed to be possible. Over and over again, I watched as they became thoughtful and generous and caring. And think about where they started. Uh, Jason, growing up in Jacksonville, what did you do for fun after school every day?
Jason: Me and my friends whipped empty spray paint cans at flamingos.
Michael: And now he's so much better.
Jason: I was already pretty good. When I was six, I hit one right on the button.
Tahani: Okay, let the immortal beings talk, darling.

Quote from Janet

Janet: [appears] Hi, Jason. I love you.
Jason: Oh, word?
Janet: Word. I've been avoiding telling you. My excuse was that I needed time to evaluate my complex feelings, but that was just a rationalization. This might be the last time I ever get to talk to you, so there it is... I love you. And I hereby stop avoiding this topic and rationalizing by saying the situation is complicated.
Chidi: Or that my brain is grinding like a fork in a garbage disposal.
Janet: All right. Whatever. You're not really a part of this, Chidi.
Jason: Hey, guess what. I think I love you too, girl.
Janet: I'm not a girl. I'm also not just a Janet anymore. I don't know what I am.

Quote from Michael

Judge: Hi, guys. Couple quick announcements. Would anyone eat chips and guac if I put it out? It's good. It's homemade. No takers? A'ight. Second thing: we figured out a plan to save your souls.
Michael: For the time being, The Judge is gonna put you in your own medium places, like Mindy St. Clair. And while you're there, I'll keep working every angle I can think of to get you guys into the Good Place, for real.
Jason: This is great. So we'd all be together?
Judge: Oh, no, that's the thing about Medium Places... It has to be tailored to what's medium for the individuals. So if you're all together, it ain't medium.
Chidi: How much time will we be alone?
Michael: Hard to say. Uh, could be a month.
Judge: Could be a million years.
Michael: So, between a month and a million years.
Judge: Yeah, give or take.
Michael: Yeah? Somewhere in there.

Quote from Eleanor

Michael: Come on, you guys, I know this isn't perfect, but I need more time to build my case, and it's either this or back to the Bad Place.
Judge: Yeah.
Eleanor: I'll say it. Both those options suck. Okay, I'm sorry if that's blunt, Your Honor, but it's true. Also, Chidi just laid one on me, so I'm kinda dizzy.
Michael: You two kissed? Hot diggity dog!
Eleanor: That's what I said!

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: My name is Eleanor Shellstrop, and I think I might be a monster. I'm rude, I'm selfish, I cyberbullied Ryan Lochte until he quit Instagram, but something happened to me today, and from now on, I'm gonna try to become a better, kinder, more generous person.
Brittany: Hey, can I use your credit card?
Eleanor: You know what? Yes, you can.
Brittany: Cool. It's for porn. I already used it.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Listen, dude. What you're doing here... Selling fake medicine to people, tricking them... is wrong.
Wallace: Yeah. And?
Eleanor: I can't be a part of it anymore. I'm trying to become a better person, and as long as I work here...
Wallace: Yeah, sure, fine, whatever, you quit, who cares? Give me your company ID. Thank you. And your parking pass. And your panties, please.
Eleanor: Dude.
Wallace: What? Come on. I had to try. By the way, technically, that is not sexual harassment, because she doesn't work here anymore.
Eleanor: You're wearing a wire?
Wallace: Yeah. Company's being investigated for fraud, so I'm helping the feds bring everyone down. Good timing on your part.
Eleanor: Dude, get help. I'm becoming a better person. You should, too.
Betsy: Hey, Eleanor, do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower?
Eleanor: Do you want to chew on my ass... sortment of brownies that I will be bringing to Lauren's baby shower?

Quote from Eleanor

Joe: Hi, there, do you have a second to talk about the environment?
Eleanor: Hey. Remember me?
Joe: Ah! Don't hurt me. My bones are brittle. I have a calcium deficiency.
Eleanor: No, I'm not gonna hurt you, man. I came to apologize. There. I did it. I apologized.
Joe: No, you didn't.
Eleanor: Yes, I did, assface. Nope. You're right. I didn't. I apologize for being mean to you like a thousand times. There's really no excuse.
Joe: Thanks. Apology accepted. Uh, what's happening? I'm scared.
Eleanor: Hey, I'm on kinda like a self-improvement kick. Do you think you could help me out, teach me to get all horny for the environment or whatever?

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Okay, there's probably something we should tell you.
Brittany: Or not. We could also not.
Eleanor: We have to. It's the right thing to do. I tore your dress, and then I lied about it. And then Brittany and I were the ones who made and sold the T-shirts.
Brittany: But, we did not keep the money.
Eleanor: Yes, we did. We kept all the money. And I'm really sorry.
Madison: Okay. That took a lot of courage for you to admit that...
Eleanor: Mmhmm.
Madison: And I admire your honesty. You stupid skank! How could you do that to me?! I hate you! You're both disgusting hogs, and I want you to move out of my apartment forever literally starting right now!
Eleanor: I'm still really glad we told the truth.
Brittany: Cool.
Waiter: Okay. Steamed vegetable medley and ice water.
Eleanor: Can I just get the check? And can you throw these plants in the trash?

Quote from Eleanor

Joe: Eleanor, where have you been?
Eleanor: Oh, hey, man. Sorry, it's been a crazy month. You know, moving was a hassle, and I'm in the middle of a lawsuit, and I ate vegetables for the first time, and I got diarrhea for, like, a week.
Joe: Uh, I know we don't pay a lot, but this is a job, and we need to know we can count on you. We're meeting tonight to discuss long-term strategy for the organization. I really think...
Brittany: Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. Oh, sorry to interrupt whatever boring crap this is, but dude, you need to get dressed. I got tickets to Taylor Splift. The Taylor Swift reggae cover band. They're terrible. It's gonna be amazing. [chuckles] Mmm.
Eleanor: Yeah, that sounds like more fun. I'ma do that.
Joe: Eleanor!
Eleanor: What?! Aah! What, dude? I've been nothing but good for, like, six months, and all I have to show for it is this crummy apartment, a lawsuit, a loose caboose, and an overdrawn bank account. Being good is for suckers. What do you even get out of it?
Joe: A feeling of fulfillment in your soul.
Eleanor: Gross. That's the grossest sentence I've ever heard, okay? I quit. Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: I'm only giving that guy three stars because he didn't let me stick my head out the moon roof.

Quote from Michael

Eleanor: Hello, bartender. One alcohol drink, please. It's my birthday, if you want to give it to me for free. I always say that, but it actually is my birthday. Hmm. Last year on my birthday, I almost died, and then I did a bunch of stuff that was good, but weird. And then I stopped. And now I'm here.
Michael: Sounds like you had a pretty crazy year.
Eleanor: Hm.
Michael: Wanna talk about it?

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