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‘Everything is Bonzer!’ Quotes Page 1 of 7

The Good Place: Everything is Bonzer!

301. Everything is Bonzer!

Aired September 27, 2018

After Michael sends Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani and Jason back to Earth and saves them from their deadly experiences, he keeps returning to Earth to keep them on a good path.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Oh, wow! I was just on Earth. It was incredible. The... the traffic, the pigeons. And I saw this place that was, at once, a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! I mean, oh! The mind reels. A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! Ah!

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Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Okay, uh, where do I start? I'm not, like, the best person in the world. I'm a trash bag from Arizona, which is saying something. Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs and HPV.

Quote from Eleanor

Chidi: So for Aristotle, virtue is practical. Goodness isn't something that a person just inherently has. It's something that she achieves through her actions. Questions?
Eleanor: Uh, yeah, a few. I wrote down "what?" "huh?" And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle. Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle"?

Quote from Judge

Judge: How's it going?
Janet: So good. I mean, everything is going according to plan, and nothing is going differently from the plan.
Michael: Yes, that's a very not weird way to put it.
Judge: I'm just stretching my legs. Just binged like 300 episodes of NCIS.
Michael: Oof!
Judge: You know, I'm not a human woman, but that Mark Harmon can get it. You know what I'm saying?

Quote from Tahani

Interviewer: [o.s.] Hey, Tahani Al-Jamil. I'm from "International Sophisticate Magazine." Mind if we ask you 582 questions?
Tahani: Sounds delightful.
Interviewer: [o.s.] Where are we, exactly?
Tahani: My pied-a-terre, just off the coast of "Barthelona."
Interviewer: [o.s.] What's one thing people don't know about you?
Tahani: That I was such a tomboy in high school. See?
Interviewer: [o.s.] Wow! Looking good. Okay, next question. Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone?
Tahani: "It's not about who you know. Enlightenment comes from within." The Dalai Lama texted me that.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Cool. I once got 12 out of 12 on a Buzzfeed quiz called "Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?"
Chidi: Congratulations?
Eleanor: Thank you. I'm going to be honest. I did cheat.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: I had almost died. And in that very moment, I decided to change my life. First, I cleansed myself of all the worldly possessions that had been weighing me down like anchors... the dresses, the jewels. I gave them all to Good Will. That's what I call Prince William. Since he'd married a commoner, I assumed he'd know some needy people they could go to.
Eleanor: Sure.
Tahani: Then I deleted all my celebrity contacts from my mobile.
[flashback:]
Tahani: Good-bye, Bono. Good-bye, The Edge. Good-bye, The Edge's real phone number that even Bono doesn't have.

Quote from Jason

Simone: So this is our MRI machine. Oh, don't... don't touch that. Each of you will get a chance in here eventually. Hopefully, none of you is claustrophobic.
Jason: Clausterphobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus? Oh! The Jewish.
Eleanor: Are you from Florida?
Jason: Jacksonville.
Eleanor: Yeah.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: That should be fine for me. It's roughly the same size as Nicole Kidman's cryogenic anti-aging chamber, and I've never had a problem in there.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: I'll be okay, too. Kinda of reminds me of the home tanning booth I lost my virginity in.

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