Judge Quotes Page 1 of 4

Quote from The Funeral to End All Funerals

Judge: All right, everyone. Let's get this done. This is the single most important case that has ever appeared in my court, and the results will have ramifications for eternity. Before we begin, I'm going to need you all to sign this.
Michael: A petition to bring back Ally McBeal.
Judge: Well, yeah. I mean, everything else is getting rebooted. Get a young hottie in there, you know, like a Zendaya type. Is it Zenday-ah or Zend-iyah?
Shawn: Zenday-ah. Or... I don't...
Judge: I mean, who wouldn't watch that? Am I right? Anyone? Fine.

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Quote from Everything is Bonzer!

Judge: How's it going?
Janet: So good. I mean, everything is going according to plan, and nothing is going differently from the plan.
Michael: Yes, that's a very not weird way to put it.
Judge: I'm just stretching my legs. Just binged like 300 episodes of NCIS.
Michael: Oof!
Judge: You know, I'm not a human woman, but that Mark Harmon can get it. You know what I'm saying?

Quote from The Brainy Bunch

Judge: Do you realist what you did? You meddled in human affairs. That ripples out, man. Do you know how much weird stuff has happened because of your little experiment? England left Europe. That Hugh Jackman musical about P.T. Barnham... it made like 400 million dollars. Also, the Jacksonville Jaguars are good now!
Michael: Impossible!
Judge: I'm serious! They're gonna make the playoffs. Blake Bortles is kind of OK... Maybe? I don't know, it's being debated amongst experts. It's confusing. But whatever it is, it's yo' fault!

Quote from Chidi Sees the Time-Knife

Michael: Amazingly, Your Honor, he's right. I didn't really understand people until I went to Earth. Maybe you should give it a shot. If you still don't see things our way, then we'll drop it, and you can, you know, zappy, zappy, marble, marble.
Judge: Yeah, sure. I'll give it a shot. I'll go down there. See what you guys "go through". And then one way or another, this is going to end. Hey, do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food? Oh... [scoffs] Mexico. Duh. [disappears]
Michael: Whoa.
Tahani: [sighs] Well, how long will she be gone?
Michael: No way to tell. Uh, my guess is...
Judge: [reappears] Oh, brother. That was rough.
Eleanor: Right?
Judge: Sheesh. Earth is a mess, y'all. Woof! Also, I guess I'm black? And they do not like black ladies down there. Crap, y'all. This is bad.

Quote from Chidi Sees the Time-Knife

Chidi: Where did you go, exactly?
Judge: Tanzania, Paraguay, Vietnam, Denmark. It's terrible everywhere and always in a different way. The only place I liked was Hawaii, although I barely left the resort. The last place I went was a Black Friday sale at an outlet mall in Michigan.
Tahani: Why?
Judge: For the deals. Earth stinks, y'all. It's hot, and it's crowded, but somehow also cold and lonely. I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions. The first thing I did was I googled "big, juicy natural tomatoes," which led me to a porn site that was for people with a sunburn fetish or... I kind of never recovered.
Michael: Right. That's problem number one. Life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable. Problem number two: even if you do somehow manage to make good decisions, you still lose points because of the unintended consequences.
Eleanor: Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere. Like, there's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. And it's delicious.
Judge: It is. It is so good.
Chidi: And I essentially tried to do what you suggested. I obsessed over every choice. But that was also bad, and I still got sent to the Bad Place. So, I'm problem number three.
Judge: Oh, no, you are nobody's problem, sweetheart. [sighs] You know, we got to figure this out.

Quote from A Girl from Arizona (Part 1)

Shawn: [on video call] Okay, fine, yes, busted. I'm a rascal. We'll come pick him up and replace him with an actual human.
Judge: [on video call] Oh, you will do nothing of the sort, mon ami. This outrageous act must be punished. Chidi will be the fourth subject in this experiment.
Shawn: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Judge: He's perfect because he's already had his memories erased. Although you can't erase that booty, know what I'm saying, blondie?
Eleanor: All due respect, Your Honor, keep it in your robe.
Michael: What she means is thank you, Your Honor, we accept. Chidi's gonna be our fourth subject.
Shawn: Chidi can't be part of the experiment. They already know that he can improve. That's like studying for a test, then acing the test. It's cheating.
Eleanor: How is that cheating? You're just falsely accusing us of what you actually did.
Shawn: No, that's what you're doing.
Judge: Shawn, I don't have time for this. I just started Deadwood, finally, and I need my daily dose of Timothy Olyphant, so I'm gonna make this short. If you so much as breathe on this experiment again, I will restart the entire thing from scratch, and then I will personally rip off your eyelids and make you watch heartwarming videos of soldiers coming home to their dogs.

Quote from The Funeral to End All Funerals

Jason: Whoa, whoa. Your honor. Let's just slow down here, and say everything again maybe, because I think some of us were thinking about skateboards and don't know what's going on.
Eleanor: Canceling Earth, doesn't that seem a bit drastic?
Judge: It's just too much of a mess down there, you know? I mean, the simplest solution is to erase everyone that ever lived and restart with a bunch of amoebas or whatever. Then human life will evolve again, or maybe even something better. Maybe this time they won't have baby teeth, you know? That whole thing is so weird, like they fall out and then the bigger teeth just grow out of that same hole. Gross. Anyway, the important thing is Earth... [blows raspberry]

Quote from You've Changed, Man

Judge: Ugh. All Janet voids are nothing, but Neutral Janet voids are, like, the most nothing.
Janet: Judge, please, please don't cancel Earth.
Judge: Why not? The system's broken. You guys proved it. I just want to reboot the whole thing, and go back to my chambers. I am on season three of Justified, and can I just tell you, it is so good. I, like, binged all of season two in a day.
Janet: Think of all the amazing human achievement you'd be eliminating. The works of William Shakespeare. The Pyramids. Timothy Olyphant.
Judge: Ooh, that one stings. There's, like, 50 gallons of man in a 10-gallon hat. I'm, like, oh! Look, I'm the freaking Judge, and I made a freaking ruling, and it's gonna freaking happen, soon as I find the freaking clicker thing. All right, what do I search for? "Humanity eraser button garage door opener thingy Judge." [groans]

Quote from Whenever You're Ready

Judge: This meeting of the Joint Council of Afterlife Affairs is called to order. Let's make this quick, kids. I just started rewatching The Leftovers. Honestly, when I found out that Carrie Coon was never nominated, I almost erased 2% of humanity.

Quote from The Funeral to End All Funerals

Judge: Michael... you came to me and said the points system was flawed, a system that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the earth. And I have come to the conclusion... that you're right.
Michael: I'm...
Judge: You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.
Michael: Mmm-hmm. Well, that wasn't so hard now, what it? [cheers, laughter]
Jason: We did it! We did it!
Judge: The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.
Eleanor: Uh... Earth is what, now?
Judge: All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I am actually rebooting Ally McBeal. Because I'm rebooting everything. Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won.

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