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‘Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Good Place: Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis

105. Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis

Aired October 6, 2016

Michael orders everyone to stay at home as the sinkhole keeps growing. Meanwhile, Chidi is stressed out from having to teach Eleanor, and Tahani snoops around "the manual".

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.
Eleanor: I like this one. It's simple. Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?
Chidi: Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...

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Quote from Jason

Jason: Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila? She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.
Chidi: Um... Okay, what?
Jason: Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug, and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.
Chidi: Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.
Jason: Thanks! [raises hand]
Chidi: Um... Uh, yes, Jianyu?
Jason: Can I be excused? Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there before all the mini-waffles run out.
Chidi: Go ahead, man.
Jason: Yes! [runs out]

Quote from Michael

Michael: Ah, Tahani. I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. That New Yorker article was crazy. You haven't seen Hamilton? Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?
Tahani: Very well done, Michael.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Chidi! You'll never believe it. I was at the frozen yogurt place and I didn't know what I wanted, so I turned to the guy behind me, and I was like, "Why don't you go ahead?" [gasps] Just like that! "Why don't you go ahead?"
Chidi: O-okay?
Eleanor: Dude, you don't understand! I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth. But now, thanks to your "good person" lessons, I didn't hold up the line. I didn't even try a dozen samples I didn't want just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line.
Chidi: You do that?
Eleanor: No, Chidi, I used to do that. Now I do selfless things without even thinking about it.
Chidi: That's great. I-I'm proud of you. So where's our yogurt?
Eleanor: Ugh. I forgot it. Oh... Can you go? I don't want to go all the way back. I ran all the way here and it was so hot. I mean, I will happily get it, because I told you I would. [heads for the door] Good person.

Quote from Janet

Janet: Good afternoon, Eleanor. What can I get you today?
Eleanor: Whoa. Lot of new flavors.
Janet: Michael felt bad about the sinkhole, so he wanted to give you all a little treat. I recommend "Full Cell Phone Battery."
Eleanor: [tastes] Whoa. It somehow tastes how I felt when my cell phone was fully charged. Oh, I'm so relaxed. But they all look good. This might take me a while.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: So, you want to roll right into another lesson? I am revved up to learn, man. My brain is horny!
Chidi: Um, can we take a little break? I've been standing at this chalkboard all day.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah, I get it. Oh, you could, um, grade my paper I wrote on the concept of Dharma. Six pages, and I didn't even do that thing where I try to make it longer by starting every sentence with "Interestingly..."
Chidi: Sure, I'll do that and, uh... we can start another lesson.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Finally! Let's get back to it. Whip out that chalkboard, big boy, show me what you're working with.
Chidi: Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some... blankets.
Eleanor: Great, I'll grab my sweater. I can practice letting people cut in front of me.
Chidi: You know, uh, I just realized that I have blankets, so I'm going to take a nap using the several blankets that I already have. Good night.
Eleanor: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. What's wrong? Out with it.
Chidi: I'm just tired, need a break. No big deal.
Eleanor: The way you're talking to me right now? "Everything's cool, no big deal"... I know that move. When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew," to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid."

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: You want to know what's wrong? You are a full-time job. I wake up, there's Eleanor. I spend all day teaching Eleanor. And then it's, "Good night, Eleanor." Oh, this is a nice dream, my grandma's here. Wait, she's got Eleanor's face! And tentacles for some reason.
Eleanor: I thought you liked teaching me. So now I'm just some huge burden for you?
Chidi: Yes! Of course you are! I am in paradise! I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry.
Eleanor: That's your idea of paradise?
Chidi: You know, and I can't stop helping you, because then I am shirking my ethical duty. It's an impossible position!
Eleanor: You know what, if you're so stressed from writing on a chalkboard, why don't you just leave? We can pretend to be soul mates in public, but other than that, we don't have to see each other!
Chidi: Fine with me! I'll move out right now.
Eleanor: Fine!

Quote from Eleanor

Michael: [on TV] We hope you enjoy your eternal stay in the Good Place. Take advantage of our day spa, or Janet... a magical assistant who can get you whatever you want.
Chidi: You mind turning that off? It's been playing on a loop for two days.
Eleanor: The whole neighborhood is offline. We only get the welcome channel. I would love to not watch TV, but you canceled school. [gasps] What have you done to me, you monster?

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Still second to last. [sighs]
[flashback:]
Manisha Al-Jamil: Tahani! This auction threatens to be an embarrassing failure.
Tahani: 5.2 million isn't bad.
Waqas Al-Jamil: It's very "middle-thermometer." Your public failure is our public failure.
Manisha Al-Jamil: You know what has to be done.
[later:]
Tahani: I'm very pleased to announce that there has been an addition to today's docket. I'm sure you all know my sister, Kamilah. [cheers and applause] Yes. Kamilah. Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford University, she's a world-class painter, social activist, iconoclast, Olympic gold medalist for archery, a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary on her Grammy Award-winning album, and the person voted "Most Likely to be Banksy." So without further ado, take it away from me! Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah. [applause]
Kamilah Al-Jamil: I am auctioning off a lunch date with me. [crowd exclaims] The bidding shall commence at £3 million. [excited murmuring]
Waqas Al-Jamil: 5 million!

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: My goodness! It's even worse than I thought.
Michael: Tahani, what're you doing here?
Tahani: Well, everyone else might be okay staying inside, but I wanted to help. So I've brought some cheer and sustenance to raise your spirits. Look, I made donut holes. Do you get it? "Donut holes"? Sinkhole. Funny, no?
Janet: No, too soon. By exactly nine days.

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: Guys, really, it's no big deal.
Nina: "It's not a big deal" is nearly always code for "something is wrong."
Eleanor: Boom! That's what I said. I should've been a marriage counselor.
Bart: Okay, Chidi, out with it. What is so unsatisfying about your soul mate relationship?
Eleanor: Be honest, Chidi. Be, like, the exact right amount of honest so that we can both be happy.
Chidi: I never had a soul mate on earth. I-I never even really had a girlfriend that I "loved." And when I got here, and Michael said I would finally meet my actual soul mate, I was so excited. And it isn't... exactly... what I thought.
Nina: You've never had an intense relationship before. This is all uncharted territory.
Bart: No wonder you're so tense. You know, Nina and I are skilled in the art of massage. Uh, not erotic massage. Although, it can be, and it often leads there, anyway...
Eleanor: Okay, well, you know what? You guys have given us so much to think about. And I think we should go to bed. Just the two of us, alone. Just us. [whispers] I know it's not the right time, but I told you.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Tahani, wake up, dear.
Tahani: Michael. Did it work? Did I fix the sinkhole? Am I a heroine?
Michael: No, you did something catastrophically stupid and we had to knock you unconscious. Why in the world did you go outside?
Tahani: Because I saw the rankings in the manual.
Michael: That manual is only meant to be seen by Architects and Janets. It's got some very sensitive material. Plus some song lyrics I've been working on, and I'd rather not let people see those until they're finished.

Quote from Tahani

Michael: Anyway, why did seeing the rankings unravel you so?
[flashback:]
Eunice: I was so sorry to hear of your parents' passing. Please bear with me as I share their last will and testament. "To Kamilah, we have left £68 million, the home in Kensington, the yacht, and other assorted weekend boats."
Tahani: Well, what did they leave their second favorite child?
Eunice: There's still quite a lot of money and property that goes to you. There is one issue, however. They have, um, spelled your name incorrectly in the will.
Tahani: You've got to be kidding me.
Eunice: It says, "We bequeath the rest of our estate to Tahini." Like the sauce.
Tahani: You know what? I don't want the money. My sister can have it all. My whole life, I have lived in your shadow, but now I'm going to step out of it. I am going to reach heights of success and sophistication that you can only dream of.
Kamilah Al-Jamil: Your cardigan's on inside out.
Tahani: I know! It's a new trend that I am starting. Just one example of how I'm going to step out of your shadow.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Oh, I'm sorry that I looked at the rankings, Michael. But I just don't understand how I'm so low. My entire life, I have tried to be extraordinary, but it just never seemed to be enough.
Michael: Ah. And you thought you could increase your ranking by helping us fix the sinkhole. Tahani, the point evaluations stop the moment you die. But also, out of literally billions, you were one of the most remarkable people on Earth. You have nothing left to prove, to anyone.
Janet: [appears] [chiming] Hi, there. The sinkhole has begun to repair itself. [Tahani gasps]
Michael: It has?
Tahani: Could it be... But how... Did I...? "Tahani saves the un..."
Michael: No, no, no. Still not you. You have nothing to do with it. We've got to leave immediately.

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