Chidi: So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.
Eleanor: I like this one. It's simple. Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?
Chidi: Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...

Jason: Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila? She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.
Chidi: Um... Okay, what?
Jason: Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug, and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.
Chidi: Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.
Jason: Thanks! [raises hand]
Chidi: Um... Uh, yes, Jianyu?
Jason: Can I be excused? Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there before all the mini-waffles run out.
Chidi: Go ahead, man.
Jason: Yes! [runs out]

Michael: Ah, Tahani. I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. That New Yorker article was crazy. You haven't seen Hamilton? Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?
Tahani: Very well done, Michael.

Eleanor: Chidi! You'll never believe it. I was at the frozen yogurt place and I didn't know what I wanted, so I turned to the guy behind me, and I was like, "Why don't you go ahead?" [gasps] Just like that! "Why don't you go ahead?"
Chidi: O-okay?
Eleanor: Dude, you don't understand! I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth. But now, thanks to your "good person" lessons, I didn't hold up the line. I didn't even try a dozen samples I didn't want just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line.
Chidi: You do that?
Eleanor: No, Chidi, I used to do that. Now I do selfless things without even thinking about it.
Chidi: That's great. I-I'm proud of you. So where's our yogurt?
Eleanor: Ugh. I forgot it. Oh... Can you go? I don't want to go all the way back. I ran all the way here and it was so hot. I mean, I will happily get it, because I told you I would. [heads for the door] Good person.

Janet: Good afternoon, Eleanor. What can I get you today?
Eleanor: Whoa. Lot of new flavors.
Janet: Michael felt bad about the sinkhole, so he wanted to give you all a little treat. I recommend "Full Cell Phone Battery."
Eleanor: [tastes] Whoa. It somehow tastes how I felt when my cell phone was fully charged. Oh, I'm so relaxed. But they all look good. This might take me a while.

Eleanor: So, you want to roll right into another lesson? I am revved up to learn, man. My brain is horny!
Chidi: Um, can we take a little break? I've been standing at this chalkboard all day.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah, I get it. Oh, you could, um, grade my paper I wrote on the concept of Dharma. Six pages, and I didn't even do that thing where I try to make it longer by starting every sentence with "Interestingly..."
Chidi: Sure, I'll do that and, uh... we can start another lesson.

Eleanor: Finally! Let's get back to it. Whip out that chalkboard, big boy, show me what you're working with.
Chidi: Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some... blankets.
Eleanor: Great, I'll grab my sweater. I can practice letting people cut in front of me.
Chidi: You know, uh, I just realized that I have blankets, so I'm going to take a nap using the several blankets that I already have. Good night.
Eleanor: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. What's wrong? Out with it.
Chidi: I'm just tired, need a break. No big deal.
Eleanor: The way you're talking to me right now? "Everything's cool, no big deal"... I know that move. When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew," to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid."

Chidi: You want to know what's wrong? You are a full-time job. I wake up, there's Eleanor. I spend all day teaching Eleanor. And then it's, "Good night, Eleanor." Oh, this is a nice dream, my grandma's here. Wait, she's got Eleanor's face! And tentacles for some reason.
Eleanor: I thought you liked teaching me. So now I'm just some huge burden for you?
Chidi: Yes! Of course you are! I am in paradise! I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry.
Eleanor: That's your idea of paradise?
Chidi: You know, and I can't stop helping you, because then I am shirking my ethical duty. It's an impossible position!
Eleanor: You know what, if you're so stressed from writing on a chalkboard, why don't you just leave? We can pretend to be soul mates in public, but other than that, we don't have to see each other!
Chidi: Fine with me! I'll move out right now.
Eleanor: Fine!

Michael: [on TV] We hope you enjoy your eternal stay in the Good Place. Take advantage of our day spa, or Janet... a magical assistant who can get you whatever you want.
Chidi: You mind turning that off? It's been playing on a loop for two days.
Eleanor: The whole neighborhood is offline. We only get the welcome channel. I would love to not watch TV, but you canceled school. [gasps] What have you done to me, you monster?

Tahani: My goodness! It's even worse than I thought.
Michael: Tahani, what're you doing here?
Tahani: Well, everyone else might be okay staying inside, but I wanted to help. So I've brought some cheer and sustenance to raise your spirits. Look, I made donut holes. Do you get it? "Donut holes"? Sinkhole. Funny, no?
Janet: No, too soon. By exactly nine days.