Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Michael's Gambit’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: Michael's Gambit

113. Michael's Gambit

Aired January 19, 2017

Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani and Jason must decide among themselves which two people will go to the Bad Place to satisfy Shawn's demand.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Ready when you are, boss.
Chidi: Eleanor, what's going on?
Eleanor: It took me a while to figure it out, but just now as we were all fighting and yelling at each other and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me. They're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. The can't, because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.
Michael: [wicked laugh] Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out. [laughs] Oh, God! Y-you ruined everything, you know that?

Rate

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Oh, it looks like paradise, but it's actually a filthy dumpster full of our worst anxieties. I'm surrounded by people who are literally better than me. Just me being here forced Chidi into an ethical "clusterfork." Tahani tortured Jason by constantly trying to get him to talk, Jason tortured me because I was sure he would blow our cover, which was torture for Chidi, because he was responsible for me, which made Chidi seem like the perfect soul mate, and that tortured Tahani because he didn't love her.
Tahani: You don't love me?
Chidi: Please, don't ask me that right now.
Eleanor: See? We've been torturing each other since the moment we arrived, and everything Michael has done has made at least one of us miserable. He played us like a fiddle.
Jason: Oh, dip! Eleanor, I told you that first night that we were in a prank show.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah. You did! Great job, man. [they high-five]

Quote from Shawn

Shawn: Do you remember what I told you when you predicted you could do this for 1,000 years?
[flashback:]
Michael: The time has come to innovate. The human afterlife can be more fun. For us, obviously, not for the people we're torturing. Who cares about those dummies? [laughs] I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment. Four people, perfectly suited to make each other miserable. I'm going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.
Shawn: We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.

Quote from Chidi

Eleanor: But wait, why is Chidi here?
Chidi: Well, uh... there's something you don't know about me. I read an article saying that growing almonds was bad for the environment, and yet I continued to use almond milk in my coffee...
Michael: No, dingus! You hurt everyone in your life with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.
Chidi: Oh, fork! You're right. Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything. I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone. I made everyone miserable.

Quote from Eleanor

Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: [gasps] Who are you?
Janet: I'm Janet. I think this is yours. After I was rebooted, I found it in my mouth.
Eleanor: What?
[Eleanor reads the note which says "Eleanor - find Chidi"]
Eleanor: What the fork is a "Chidi"? Why can't I say "fork"?
[Janet has disappeared when Eleanor turns around]

Quote from Jason

Jason: Hang on. That judge guy just said everyone here has done bad things. Let's look at this ethnically.
Chidi: Ethically.
Jason: You guys helped me and Eleanor, right, but we're bad, so you helping us was bad. It's basic consequentialism: the morality of an action is solely judged on its consequences.
Chidi: Great. The one time you actually remember something from class.
Jason: Maybe I was brought here by mistake, but since we've been here, I just tried to stay out of everyone's way. Chidi's done worse stuff than me. He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!
Chidi: I was trying to stop you from doing it!
Jason: Yeah, but you did it. He who smelt it murdered Janet.

Quote from Jason

Jason: I'm not going. I don't wanna.
Eleanor: Well, I don't wanna either, but let's face it. Chidi and Tahani are better people than we are. We tried to improve ourselves and we did a good job. Well, I did a good job. You mostly fell asleep in class or made fart noises with your hands.
Jason: [making fart noises] I could never do that on Earth. This place truly is paradise.

Quote from Tahani

Eleanor: Wait, I don't get something. I know why Jason and I were sent here, but why Tahani?
Jason: Oh, yeah. Didn't you raise, like, $1,000 for charity, or whatever?
Tahani: Uh, $60 billion, actually, so... [off Michael's look] Oh. But it didn't matter... because my motivations were corrupt. I didn't care about helping the people I raised the money for. I just wanted to prove my parents wrong, stick it to my sister, get fame and attention. My only real goal was to snog Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball. Which I did. Couple of times, actually.

Quote from Michael

Michael: I mean, all this hard work, all the planning, all for nothing. This really sucks.
Eleanor: No, it doesn't. This is wonderful. You saw us all on Earth... a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days... Side note, I might legit be into Tahani. But that's for another time. You thought we would torture each other, and we did for a little, but we also took care of each other. We improved each other, and the four of us became a team. So, the only thing you succeeded in doing was bringing us all together.
Michael: Oh, Eleanor. That's it! My big mistake was bringing you all together, having you be soul mates living next to each other. Next time, I'll spread you out so it's more of a slow burn.
Chidi: Uh, next time?
Michael: Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna erase your memories, you know, make a few changes and start over again. Hopefully. Just gotta get the boss man to sign off. Wish me luck.

Quote from Michael

Michael: All I ever wanted was for this neighborhood... my first neighborhood to be perfect. Somehow I blew it and... well, you're all suffering, and for that, I'm deeply sorry. This is truly the saddest day of my life.
[Circus music plays as Eleanor's bedroom clown screen doors slide shut on Michael]

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Okay, I guess I'll speak first. Jason and I are the mistakes. We're the ones who misled everybody and dragged you all into this mess, so... we should go to the Bad Place.
Tahani: Agreed.
Chidi: Yes.
Eleanor: Okay, I thought you were gonna at least pretend to fight me on that, but whatever.

Quote from Jason

Tahani: Okay, well, it's settled then. Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.
Jason: For the last time, my name is Jason, not Jianyu, the amazing and incredible monk.
Eleanor: Which is why you belong in the Bad Place.
Tahani: And by the way, Janet is not your wife, or your soul mate. There's a Janet in every neighborhood.
Jason: Well, I'm in love with this Janet. We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff which almost turned out to be sex, and we were married in a legal ceremony.
Janet: It was not legal.
Eleanor: Okay, J-bones, you and me, outside.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Look at them. Whispering away like two Beefeaters on a tea break. I bet they're plotting against us.
Chidi: No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.
Tahani: You do have feelings for her, don't you?
Chidi: Yes. But no. Please don't make me think about this again. My brain will break.
Tahani: I'm sorry, it's just that I have certain feelings for you. I don't mean to contribute to your misery. I'm sorry, I don't mean to contribute to your misery, it's just that I'm frightened. I don't have an actual soul mate. What's gonna happen to me when Jason and Fake Eleanor go and you're off with Real Eleanor? Whither Tahani?

Quote from Jason

Eleanor: Okay, team meeting. Jason has agreed that the two of us should go.
Jason: Bye, Tahani. Sorry for everything. After I'm gone you can go ahead and clean out my bud hole.
Tahani: Thank you.
Jason: [to Janet] I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.
Janet: I will not. It is literally impossible for me to do that.

Quote from Shawn

Shawn: This is a real mess, huh? No matter what they decide, I'd bet you're gonna be in pretty hot water with your boss. Wouldn't be surprised if retirement were on the table.
Michael: Retirement?
Shawn: Course, what do I know? I'm just The All-Knowing Judge of All Matters in the Afterlife. But face it, this is your mistake.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode