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‘The Book of Dougs’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: The Book of Dougs

311. The Book of Dougs

Aired January 10, 2019

While Janet and the humans try to avoid suspicion in the Good Place mail room with mailwoman Gwendolyn (Nicole Byer), Michael tries to blow the whistle on the accounting trickery the Bad Place has been using.

Quote from Michael

Paula: In light of this new information, the time has come to take decisive action.
Michael: Wow, can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that.
Chuck: We are gonna form an elite investigative team to get to the bottom of this. And we are fast-tracking the process. It'll take no more than 400 years.
Michael: Sorry?
Paula: It's aggressive, but you heard right. We are only giving ourselves 400 years to select the members of this elite team.
Michael: Wait, 400 years just to form the team? I was thinking that we could do something now-ish. Like, right now.
Meg: Michael, we have rules, procedures. We're the good guys. We can't just do stuff.
Paula: No.
Chuck: Upon formation, the team will then be in charge of organizing a Blue Ribbon Commission to investigate themselves, to make sure there's no conflicts of interest. And that will take 1,000 years.
Michael: Okay. Just so you know, the whole time you're doing this, the bad guys are continuing to torture everyone who ends up in the Bad Place. Which is everyone.
Andie: And that deeply concerns us. Have you seen the memoranda we've sent each other about how concerned we are? We're taking this very seriously.
Kellen: Hear, hear.
Chuck: Kellan, did you file a "Hear, Hear" memorandum?
Kellen: No. Sincerest apologies. I rescind my "Hear, hear" and resign, effective immediately. [applause]

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Quote from Chidi

Chidi: It's okay. Cry as long as you want.
Eleanor: I'm going to. [sniffling] 'Cause my tears taste like the nacho cheese from my favorite movie theater. That's a really weird incentive to keep crying. Relationships are stupid. You're scared you're never gonna have a real one, and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away.
Chidi: Here's an idea. What if we don't worry about whatever comes next? There's a quote I like by Tolstoy: "There is only one time that is important: Now. It is the only time...
Both: "When we have any power."
Eleanor: I know that quote. An unverified Tyra Banks account posted that meme on Instagram.
Chidi: Well, now I hate it. [Eleanor laughs] There is another quote first spoken by a very wise, very attractive, occasionally very sweaty philosopher: "You gotta try." Now, she was talking about making the world a better place, but I think it applies to relationships too.

Quote from Michael

Tahani: Michael? How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us?
Michael: The committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking, and they're writing a strongly-worded letter to the iceberg. How much more evidence do they need? The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system. There's no other explanation.
Tahani: Can I ask you an unrelated question?
Michael: Absolutely not. The fate of all of humanity is at stake, and time is running out. [Tahani pouts] Go ahead.
Tahani: I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings, but everything I do makes it worse. You know them better than anyone else. How do I just make them happy?
Michael: How do you make Jason happy? You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer.
Tahani: You'd think it'd be that simple. But every time I do something nice, it backfires. There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions. Feels like a game you can't win.
Michael: That's it. There is another explanation. Unintended consequences. Oh, Tahani, you did it.
Tahani: Well, of course I did, darling. Did what?

Quote from Michael

Michael: All along, I've only been looking at one Doug, but there's millions of Dougs in here. [bleeping] In 1534, Douglass Wynegar of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her, she was happy... boom, 145 points. Now... Yeah, here we go. In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses, but he lost four points. Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop. The flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away, which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals. Whoo!
Tahani: That is a very odd thing to cheer.
Michael: Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points; they don't have to. Because every day the world gets a little more complicated, and being a good person gets a little harder. Gather the others. We have a lot to do.
Tahani: But we didn't really deal with my thing... [Michael exits] Okay, I'll just figure it out.

Quote from Eleanor

Michael: No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath.
Eleanor: Whoa. That smells like Typhoon Falls, my favorite water park when I was a kid. Mmm. Chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids, and a thick cloud of teen hormones.

Quote from Jason

Tahani: Are we sure we're in the actual Good Place? It's rather... carpeted.
Jason: Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.
Chidi: What?
Eleanor: Don't...

Quote from Chidi

Michael: When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.
Chidi: [sniffing] Warm pretzels. Or, no, wait. It's the smell of absolute moral truth?
Janet: Those two things have very similar smells.

Quote from Jason

Jason: I smell Blake Bortles holding the Super Bowl MVP trophy, as Dan Patrick says, "This has to feel good, Blake." And he says, "It sure does, Dan, and I owe it all to my best friend, Jason Mendoza." Also, weed.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Mmm. To me it smells like a curtain closing between first class and economy. Ah, this truly is the Good Place.

Quote from Eleanor

Michael: I don't think we're in the main Good Place area. This seems like this is some kind of a mail depot.
Eleanor: So, we're talking about mailmen now, from heaven? I literally had that calendar and I did not get past March.
Chidi: What?
Michael: Don't.

Quote from Jason

Gwendolyn: What the heck is going on in there?
Michael: Uh... [clears throat] Oh, hi there. Um, I'm... I'm an accountant. We're coming from Accounting, and as we were climbing through the... the mailbox, it... it blew up.
Eleanor: Uh... The explosion was caused by demons. We were being chased by demons.
Jason: And a Dracula. There was a Dracula chasing us.
Eleanor: Was there, though, Jason?
Jason: Yeah. Maybe Drac blew up the mailbox with his bazooka.

Quote from Janet

Gwendolyn: Well, jeez Louise, I'm sure glad you're okay. My name's Gwendolyn. Welcome to the Good Place.
Michael: I'm Michael, and this is my Neutral Janet.
Janet: Hello. Also, not hello. It's nothing to meet you. End of statement.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: This is how I always got out of escape rooms. If you break enough stuff, they open the door and kick you out.
Gwendolyn: [o.s.] Is everything okay in there?
Eleanor: Yep.
Gwendolyn: [o.s.] Okay. No follow-up questions.
Chidi: Hey there, Smashy, before you start grabbing any other throwing lamps, you have anything you need to talk about?
Eleanor: I can't take this anymore, man. All the running and the hiding and fighting and this whole insane journey. And now all that stands between us and the actual Good Place is one door? What is that, two inches thick? That's like four Oreos. We're four Oreos from heaven.
Chidi: I know. I know. It's an insane situation, but I am right here with you. So, let's take a deep breath. [both inhale deeply] Mmm.
Eleanor: Okay, the smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping.
Chidi: How? Why?

Quote from Michael

Michael: I need to speak with the committee regarding an urgent matter.
Gwendolyn: Oh, sorry, you'd have to contact them directly, and that's definitely against the rules.
Michael: I see. How would I contact them, though, if it weren't against the rules?
Gwendolyn: Well, by calling them on that phone, but I can't let you use it.
Michael: Right, and even if it weren't against the rules, I don't know the number, and you wouldn't tell me.
Gwendolyn: [chuckles] I couldn't. There are no numbers. You pick it up and it connects you to whomever you want, but you can't use it.
Michael: Of course not. Just as a hypothetical... Is there any way that you would know if I did use the phone? Any kind of alarm?
Gwendolyn: Golly, no.
Michael: So, it's entirely untraceable?
Gwendolyn: Sure is. What a fun thought experiment.
Michael: You said it, Gwendolyn.
Gwendolyn: Uh-huh.
Michael: Say, is that a dog barking in another room?
Gwendolyn: I doubt it, because I don't have a dog. But out of politeness and an abundance of caution, I'll go check. Hello? Doggie? [exits]
Michael: [on the phone] My name is Michael, I'm an Accountant. I need to speak with the Committee immediately, on the top floor of the Correspondence Center. Thank you.

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: Brought you some water. Well, I mean, there's not a kitchen, but I found this kind of glowing bowl with liquid in it? Maybe it was a toilet. I'm gonna throw this out.
Chidi: What are you doing?
Eleanor: Trying to jimmy the lock, but everything I stick in here just turns to glitter. Ugh.
Chidi: All right, forget about the door. Look at me. Right now, we're together in heaven basically. And we're in love. Compared to some of the other stuff that's happened to us, it could be worse.
Eleanor: I guess "try and enjoy this" is a better plan than "have the anxiety sweats." Oh, check it out... straight through my sweatshirt.
Chidi: Cool. Hey. I have an idea to take your mind off the door. Let's go on a date.
Eleanor: What?
Chidi: No, I'm serious. Why not have our first date four Oreos away from paradise?
Eleanor: You still wanna go out with me after I just showed you my anxiety sweats? Man, you must really be into me.

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