Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Worst Possible Use of Free Will’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: The Worst Possible Use of Free Will

308. The Worst Possible Use of Free Will

Aired November 8, 2018

Eleanor asks Michael to restore her memories of falling in love with Chidi in the afterlife.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: I gotta say, it seems like I was really nailing that philosophy class. Can you believe my high school voted me "Most Likely to Die Young and Unaccomplished?"
Michael: You did die young and unaccomplished.
Eleanor: Fair enough.

Rate

Quote from Tahani

[flashback:]
Michael: Ah! My favorite four residents. Don't tell the others. [laughs] Welcome to "Pick a Pet Day." We have hundreds of beautiful animals for you to choose from. And when you do make your choice, your pet will bond to your soul forever.
Tahani: Fabulous. I haven't had a pet since Barbra Streisand gave me one of her cloned Siamese cats, and it killed itself.
Michael: Ah.
Tahani: I'm going to look at the mythical pets, darling. Catch up when you're ready.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: "Determinism is the theory that we have no control over our own actions. Everything we do happens because of some external force, which exists outside of our control." I didn't choose to fall in love with Chidi, because some all-knowing demon, you, brought us together and scripted our lives.
Michael: That's ridiculous. I didn't make you kiss Chidi by that lake.
Eleanor: You kind of did. You orchestrated the whole "pet day" thing, manipulated us into choosing specific animals, made my lizard run away, which led to Chidi coming to help me find it, which led to us kissing, which led to us falling in love. None of that was my choice. Everything in my life has been determined by my upbringing, my genetics, or... or my environment. And everything in my afterlife was determined by you. There is no such thing as free will.

Quote from Eleanor

Michael: I tried to script your whole afterlife. And I devised a 15 million-point plan to torture you. You made choices I never saw coming. I call that free will.
Eleanor: What if all your choices are predetermined?
Michael: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Eleanor: What? We don't know. Maybe there's a mega-demon who built a torture chamber for demons, and this whole thing is just him torturing you. And maybe all the mega-demons are just fulfilling a destiny laid out by a bunch of super intelligent tarantula-squids, who are torturing them, be... [Michael pours his iced tea on Eleanor's head] Why did you do that?
Michael: Because I have free will. And because you're being so annoying.
Eleanor: Thank you. I'm so sorry that he did that.
Waitress: Happens all the time. Usually it's the younger woman doing it to the older guy, though.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Okay, that short clip should have rewired your brain, like an inoculation. So now I can show you the highlights of reboot 119. I'm skipping all of the sleeping and chewing. You guys are always either sleeping or chewing something.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Ah, looking a little better. The banana must have helped.
Eleanor: Before we go any further, I have one very important question. Did I look hot bald? 'Cause I always kind of felt like I could pull it off.
Michael: I have no real ability to gauge physical attractiveness in humans. But no, you did not pull it off.

Quote from Jason

[flashback:]
Jason: Dude, we can get mythical animals? Maybe I'll get a penguin.
Eleanor: Penguins are real.
Jason: That's the spirit, Eleanor. They're real to me too.

Quote from Michael

Michael: This library's depressing. All they have in the poetry section is Jeff Foxworthy books.
Eleanor: Well, we needed someplace deserted, and there's no place more deserted than a public library in Arizona.

Quote from Eleanor

[flashback:]
Chidi: So, we are moving onto the subject of free will versus determinism. We are officially done with Nietzsche.
Eleanor: Aww. I'm gonna miss Nietzsche. I spent a lot of my life thinking I was better than everyone else, and he showed me why I was right. Give me that reading list. What do we got? Ooh, a little Aristotle, little Descartes, little Tommy Quine-Quine. That's what I call Saint Thomas Aquinas.
Chidi: Three months of philosophy class, and you're already...
[Eleanor grabs a tissue and hands it to Chidi right before he sneezes]
Eleanor: What are you grinning at, weirdo? [laughs] Come on, we're gonna be late for the neighborhood meeting.

Quote from Chidi

[flashback:]
Chidi: Ooh! This one looks just like the one I had when I was a little kid. He's so cute! But is... is this one a little... a little cuter? I mean, this pup looks friskier. But this one looks a little... a little sweeter. Maybe...
Eleanor: Uh-oh. It's Chidi kryptonite, a choice between any two things. Settle in, lizard. This is gonna be a while.

Quote from Tahani

[flashback:]
Tahani: Oh, a lizard was a perfect choice, Eleanor. You both have combination skin.
Eleanor: Thanks. Hey, this is a weird question to ask. I'll just throw it out there. Can I ride your centaur?
Tahani: I'm afraid T'Hania's quite particular about whom she allows to ride her. I tried, and she gave me a withering stare. Turns out centaurs are a bit tricky.
Eleanor: You didn't have like a stable full of horses growing up?
Tahani: Oh, of course, but they just pulled our carriages, or performed in our horse ballets. They weren't so... what's the word? Judgmental.
Centaur: With whom can I speak about acquiring new shoes? You can't expect me to walk around in these flats all day, like some common glue factory, hobo horse.

Quote from Eleanor

[flashback:]
Eleanor: Lizard? Lizard? Where the fork are you? [softly] Lizard! Ugh! Why didn't I name you?

Quote from Eleanor

[flashback:]
Eleanor: Sorry I shoved you, man. I've just been a little jumpy. Hey, you didn't happen to see my lizard in the lake, when you were thrashing around down there?
Chidi: No. It was cold and dark and scary. But don't worry, we'll find him. Michael and Janet are busy transforming people, anyway, so they didn't even notice you weren't there.
Eleanor: Holy crap, you're supposed to be flying right now.
Chidi: It's no big deal, I just decided I'd rather be helping you.
Eleanor: Than soaring through the air like an owl? That's amazing. You're amazing. [kisses Chidi]

Quote from Michael

[flashback:]
Chidi: We just went to Mindy St. Claire's, and when she wasn't trying to trick us into having a threesome, she filled us in on everything that you've been up to here.
Michael: Oh, yeah?
Eleanor: We know this is, like, the hundredth time you've tried to torture us, but this time it's different, because... we're in love. And love is stronger than anything you can throw at us.
Michael: No, it's not. Love is stronger than anything I can throw at you? I could throw an elephant at you. You think a thrown elephant wouldn't crush you because of love?
Chidi: She was speaking metaphorically.
Michael: Even metaphorically, it's lame.
Eleanor: It's okay. No matter what he does, we will find each other, and we will help each other, because we're soul mates.
Michael: [blows raspberry] There's no such thing as soul mates, you dingus. I made it up. I put clowns in your house because you hate them. I forced you to choose the lizard, and then I made that lizard run away. I made it all up! Don't you understand that?

Quote from Michael

Michael: That's why I didn't want to give you your memories back. I didn't want you to see how cruel I used to be. Plus, I wore a lot of French cuff shirts back then. I thought it made me look classy. It's... it's... it's all embarrassing. But I'm different now, I promise. I'll swear on a Bible like you humans do. I could grab one right now. It's the only book they have in the sex-ed section.
Eleanor: I'm not mad at you. I can't be mad at a demon for being evil. I'm just sad, because I thought for a second I could love someone. But really, it was just you manipulating me into thinking I loved someone. So, I guess I was right. I'm incapable of love. Eh, that's no biggie. Do you wanna get burgers?

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode