Chidi: Tell me one fact that you know about me. I mean, we spent the whole day together. You must remember something. What country am I from?
Eleanor: [groans] Is it racist if I say Africa?
Chidi: Yes, and Africa is not a country. I am from Senegal. Do I have any siblings? Where did I go to college?
Eleanor: Trick question. You didn't.
Chidi: I was literally a college professor. Do you not remember one single thing about me?
Eleanor: Dude, things have been nuts around here. I bet you don't know anything about me.
Chidi: You were born in Phoenix. You went to school in Tempe. You're an only child. Your favorite show is something called The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and your favorite... book is Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.
Eleanor: How did you know all that?
Chidi: Because you are constantly talking about yourself. You are the most self-obsessed person I have ever met.
Eleanor: You should see Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.

Chidi: Okay, this is my fear about you, Eleanor. You are too selfish to ever be a good person.
Eleanor: Well, I think you're wrong.
Chidi: What country am I from, again?
Eleanor: Sen... sodyne.
Chidi: That is a brand of toothpaste. Look, the only thing that you are concerned with is your own happiness. That's your problem.

Michael: Boy, my armpits are leaking. What is that called again?
Janet: Sweat.
Michael: Right, right. Still not used to being in a human body. And what do you do with sweat? Do--do you lick it away, is that right?
Janet: No, you dab it with a cloth.
Michael: Oh, right. And then you lick the cloth? That seems weirder.

Eleanor: Um, Janet, I need... Quick question: can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot mailman from your work computer?
Janet: It is 100% confidential. No one can access what you ask me, including Michael. Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?
Eleanor: No. No, no, no, not porn. I, um... I need clothes like yours and Chidi's with the stripes.
Janet: There you go.

Tahani: Michael. Look! [her blue and yellow striped clothes fade away]
Michael: Okay. That's a good sign. It--it could mean that this is almost over.
Tahani: Oh, such a relief. That was my first time as a fashion "don't," and I did not care for it.

Eleanor: What are you reading?
Chidi: "The Metaphysics of Morals" by Immanuel Kant. It's a treatise on the aesthetic preconditions of the mind's receptivity to duty. [off Eleanor's look] A book on how to act good.
Eleanor: Oh, great! So you've decided to help me?
Chidi: I don't know. There's a thousand questions. Is there a moral imperative to help you? Do I have a greater obligation to my community? Are you taking someone else's spot, someone who deserves to be here?
Eleanor: Ooh, on that question, I honestly think I was just put here by mistake. Because Michael called me Eleanor Shellstrop, so he knows I'm me. He's just wrong about my overall "quality" level. Please, help me, man. I swear I am worth it.

Michael: All right, everyone, let's get started. Things have settled down. Whew! [chuckles] So hopefully, we're off and running. Welcome to orientation, day two. Now, today we're gonna start with something that everyone has always wanted to do. Flying. [gasps and warm applause] Now that you're dead, let's live a little, right?
Tahani: Uh, sorry. Uh, Michael? If... If I might? I was just thinking, earlier today in all of the chaos, large swaths of this neighborhood were destroyed. We thought perhaps some of us could, uh, volunteer to help clean up the debris. You know, it's quite a fun way to band together as a community, isn't that right, Jianyu? [Jianyu nods] Oh, uh, yeah, sorry. For those of you who don't know, my soul mate, Jianyu here, is a Buddhist monk. He took a vow of silence that he's still observing, even here, in the Good Place. It's truly inspiring.

Tahani: You know, this really reminds me of my time in Vietnam, picking up mortar shells with my godmother, Diana. Doesn't really matter of what she's a princess of. It's not really important.
Michael: Tahani! How goes the cleaning?
Tahani: Oh, swimmingly, Michael. And I have to say this neighborhood that you've built is truly a masterpiece, the likes of which I've never seen. And I've been to Johnny Depp's private bird sanctuary.
Michael: Well, thank you. That's very kind of you to say. [sniffs] But it's also dead wrong. This neighborhood is a disaster. See, I must have made a mistake somewhere. [sniffs] And it led to all this chaos, and now I'm just... I'm just terrified that it's gonna happen again. I'm trying to put a good face on well, this... this face that I've constructed for myself. But the truth is, I... I'm just miserable. [sniffs] I have to go. Thank you so much for your service.
Tahani: Oh, no. Powerful people do not handle failure well. Michael could be heading for a total meltdown. Soul mate, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Should we say it at the same time? All right. One, two, three. We must help Michael. Oh, you sly devil. You're going to keep me on my toes, aren't you? All right, come on. Let's go.

Eleanor: Well, I have had a pretty full day of being unselfish. I've made some new friends. My area's almost garbage-free. So you're gonna help me figure out how to stay, right?
Chidi: Well, that is a really tough question. Most great philosophers would say helping you is pointless, that you can't try to be good, especially when your motivations are so obviously corrupt.
Eleanor: Yeah, but what do most great philosophers know?
Chidi: On the other hand, Aristotle thought that moral virtue is something that you could get better at. He... He compared it to playing the flute. The more you practice, the more you improve.
Eleanor: Aristotle! That's my boy, right there. He was the best. I mean, most people agree he was the best one. So it sounds to me like you are on board the "help Eleanor" train.
Chidi: Well, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities: yes and no.
Eleanor: Well, no worries. Just hit me up when you're done weighing my life in your hands. I'll just keep doing what I do best: being super considerate and selfless. [sighs]

Eleanor: Chidi! Hey. Before you say anything... That's it, I just don't want you to say anything.
Chidi: What did you do?
Eleanor: Nothing! It just started raining trash out of nowhere for no reason at all. [thunder crashes] [screams] Oh! Okay, fine, fine. My bag broke, and I ditched the trash instead of taking it all the way to the dumpster. But in my defense, there were only five minutes left in flying and I wanted to go flying.
Chidi: How is that a defense? You made a bad choice.
Eleanor: I made a bad choice? We could have literally been flying, and all you wanted to do was talk about morals. I mean, you're like the worst part of Superman.
Chidi: This is a relief. I can stop my deliberations. You're a selfish person, and it is pointless to help you. You are on your own.