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‘Mindy St. Claire’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: Mindy St. Claire

112. Mindy St. Claire

Aired January 19, 2017

Elaine, Jason and Janet escape to Mindy St. Claire's world after fleeing The Good Place as Shawn (Marc Evan Jackson) arrives to determine Elaine and Jason's fates.

Quote from Shawn

Shawn: Thank you for these testimonials. A ruling has been reached. [everyone gathers] Oh, you want to hear it. I forgot how needy humans are. [clears throat] Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person. The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth. She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
Michael: Oh!
Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.

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Quote from Eleanor

[flashback:]
Eleanor: "Live every day like it's your last." [scoffs] Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.
Cashier: Ma'am? It's $132.21. So, big plans this weekend?
Eleanor: Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.

Quote from Janet

Eleanor: Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.
Janet: Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house. It'll be our sexy little secret. [off Eleanor's look] Jason taught me about sexy things.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?
Janet: Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
Eleanor: Eh, some of those are right. [Jason and Janet high-five]

Quote from Eleanor

[flashback:]
Eleanor: Right, well, we don't have proof that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.
Betsy: Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you.
Eleanor: Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.
Betsy: Oh, I know you've only worked here a few weeks, but we have this little office tradition where we all pitch in, and then we...
Eleanor: Yeah, no, I get it. It's just, I know what kind of cake I like. Plus, it's Lisa's birthday next week, and if I let you give me a cake, that means I gotta pitch in to get Lisa a cake and sing to her and wear one of those dumb hats you all are wearing right now. No, thanks. This way, I don't owe you anything, you don't owe me anything. Later.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a... a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
Chidi: That's what you think hell is?
Tahani: Ugh.

Quote from Jason

Eleanor: Janet, please, we have to go.
Janet: I won't start the train until my husband says it's okay. I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged a ride-or-die protocol so I'm loyal to Jason forever.
Eleanor: Buddy... Come on, we gotta go.
Jason: I don't wanna go to the Bad Place. It's scary, like the movie Ratatouille.
Eleanor: What?
Jason: Yo, I ain't trying to have rats living in my hat and pulling my hair to get me to do stuff.

Quote from Eleanor

Jason: We don't have to go back, though. They just said.
Eleanor: We can't let Tahani and Chidi go to the Bad Place. They're our friends. We literally owe it to them.
Jason: If they're really our "friends," then why aren't they here with us right "now"?
Eleanor: Because we ran away. Are you... Does your brain work, actually? Do you have a functioning head?

Quote from Michael

Shawn: Eleanor was supposed to be in the Bad Place, arrived here by accident, assumed another person's identity, and has now escaped. Is that the whole story?
Michael: Well, no. Someone else was sent here by mistake. His name is Jason Mendoza, and I believe he's on the train with Eleanor.
Tahani: You knew about Jason?
Michael: Yes, I know that he's a fake and that he's married to Janet and that this entire neighborhood is... What's the human expression? Ah, yes, a smokin' hot turd.

Quote from Tahani

Shawn: I will deal with Jason Mendoza later. For now, I will hear your arguments for why Fake Eleanor Shellstrop should stay in the Good Place.
Tahani: We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet" level of emotionless here, all right?

Quote from Eleanor

[flashback:]
Joe: Hi, there. Do you have a second to talk about the environment?
Eleanor: No. Buzz off, whale-humper.
Joe: You know, I see you here all the time, and you're always mean to me, and it really hurts my feelings.
Eleanor: It does? Because the minute you're out of my line of sight, I literally forget you exist. Watch. You exist. You don't exist. You're bothering me. Don't care if you die. See?
Joe: Why are you like this?
Eleanor: Excuse me? Why am I like this? You don't know me, dude. You don't know what I'm like. Look what you made me do, jag-off. [bends down to pick up alcohol bottle]
Cart Attendant: Oh, my God, look out!
Eleanor: Uh-oh.

Quote from Jason

Jason: Oh, good, you're awake. Can I ask you a question about where we're going?
Eleanor: Sure.
Jason: Where are we going? I forgot.
Eleanor: We're going somewhere that's not the Good Place, and it's not the Bad Place. We're going to a Medium Place.
Jason: Hmm, is there a 7-Eleven on the way? 'Cause Janet's powers aren't working, and I want some gum and some football cards and some scratchy tickets.
Eleanor: Go away from me.
Jason: Okay.

Quote from Shawn

Shawn: I'm here to preside over case #00003 regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop. The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.
Bad Janet: [appears] What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um, the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now, but she just stole your train, and she still sucks bad. And she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out. [farts] Nailed it. [disappears]
Shawn: I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence. What I will consider is the recent development of Eleanor stealing my train.
Michael: Now, hold on a second. She stole your train to voluntarily go down to the Bad Place. She was sacrificing herself because she is a wonderful, selfless... [cocoon closes] No, don't... Oh!
Chidi: What's happening?
Michael: I should have warned you. Shawn only cares about cold hard facts. If he detects any feelings in your voice, he retreats into a cocoon, so what we need to do now is just be very still and very quiet.
Tahani: [Shawn's cocoon starts to open] Finally! [Shawn's cocoon closes]
Chidi: What did he just say?
Tahani: Oh, because you're all so perfect.

Quote from Mindy St. Claire

Mindy St. Claire: So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s. I only cared about making money and doing cocaine. And I was pretty crappy to my family as well. One night, I had an epiphany, right? I needed to do something good with my life. So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world, would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture, and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.
Eleanor: You were pretty coked-up, huh?
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, yeah, man, I was flying high. It was so awesome. But... you're not gonna believe this... I followed through. Yeah, I woke up the next morning, I went straight to the bank, I withdrew my life savings, and I was gonna start that charity.
Eleanor: Good for you!
Mindy St. Claire: And then I immediately fell into subway tracks and was electrocuted by the third rail.
Eleanor: Ooh...
Mindy St. Claire: Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me... [chuckles] 'Cause I love cocaine. [laughs] Do you have any? I'm just... I shouldn't... Do you?
Eleanor: No.
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just... I was just kidding. It was just a joke. I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now? [long silence]

Quote from Shawn

Shawn: Begin.
Chidi: [deadpan] Eleanor dedicated herself to the study of ethics. I was blown away by her capacity for self-improvement.
Tahani: [deadpan] Eleanor is a magnificent person who has grown tremendously in her time here.
Real Eleanor: [deadpan] Please, I'm begging you, please.
Michael: [deadpan] Voluntarily heading to the Bad Place proves that she is a selfless person. Sorry. I'm getting choked up.
Shawn: Yes, voluntarily sacrificing herself and heading to the Bad Place would be a point in her favor. However, I've just received word that Eleanor is not currently in the Bad Place. We have no idea where she is.
Michael: Well, what the...
Chidi: What? Fork! [Shawn's cocoon closes]

Quote from Shawn

Shawn: I will now review Eleanor's memories.
Chidi: Her memories? As in, all the things she's done on Earth?
Shawn: Mm-hmm.
Tahani: But perhaps we could take a little break first. You know, we've been at it for a while, and you must be tired.
Shawn: I've been asleep in goo for the last 29 years, so I'm good. Call up the screen for Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please. Where should we begin, "Waiters Screamed At" or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman from Spin Class"?

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