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‘Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

The Good Place: Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy

404. Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy

Aired October 17, 2019

Eleanor's world is rocked when Glenn arrives from the Bad Place and claims that Michael is actually the demon Vicky in a skin suit.

Quote from Jason

Glenn: I'll tell you whatever you want to know, but shouldn't we call The Judge?
Eleanor: We're not calling anyone until we figure some things out. We have questions.
Jason: Yeah, for example, if you're a devil, how come you're not wearing Prada? [Eleanor tosses Jason a candy] [gasps] Caramel!

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Quote from Tahani

Eleanor: All right, buttheads, what do we do?
Jason: I say we trust Michael. He's our friend.
Tahani: Wait, might be our friend, or he might be a lying trickster who just looks like our friend... the classic Mary-Kate Olsen.

Quote from Michael

Michael: I just don't want to show you what's underneath here.
Eleanor: I've seen a lot of weird hogs in my life, dude. Get over yourself.
Michael: That's not it. I'm a fire squid.
Jason: Dope.
Michael: No. Not dope. I'm a 6,000-foot tall fire squid. I have tentacles. There's teeth everywhere. I'm on fire, and my neck is long. And there's a smell and lots of juice. There's so much juice, Eleanor.
Jason: I think I speak for everyone here when I say I really have to see this.
Eleanor: So you're not gonna take off your demon Spanx because you're shy? That's convenient.
Michael: Eleanor, if I take off this suit, I will crash through the roof and the entire Neighborhood will see me and the experiment will be blown. But it's more than that. You guys will never look at me the same way again. I won't just be Michael. I'll be... some disgusting mass of burning tentacles. Do you really want to be friends with something like that?
Jason: Yes. I keep saying.

Quote from Michael

Jason: So does blowing up mean he was telling the truth or lying?
Janet: Neither. That was not supposed to happen. I've never killed anybody before.
Michael: No, don't worry. Demons can't die. He'll slowly reform himself over a few months, passing through all the stages of demon growth: larva, slug monster, spooky little girl, teenage boy, giant ball of tongues, social media CEO, and then finally demon, so... Look at the bright side. This worked out perfectly. I mean, not for Glenn, obviously, but for us. Lying demon's gone. We're still here. All good.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Mmm. I gotta say. Out of all the human stuff I've been able to experience in this neighborhood, nachos... number one. Easy.
Chidi: Really?
Eleanor: Yeah. I mean, salty, crunchy, cheesy, little bit of a kick? Name one better thing humans have created.
Chidi: The Sistine Chapel?
Eleanor: Pfft. Paint on a ceiling. I mean, it's fine, but can you eat it at the movies?
Chidi: Touche.

Quote from Derek

Eleanor: What is all this stuff? Are these weapons?
Derek: [appears] Ooh, don't touch those. Those are my special magnet handcuffs. They make me feel silly when Mindy and I are playing Upstairs-Downstairs Derek.
Eleanor: Oh, they're sex toys. Ugh, they're sex toys.
Jason: Dude, get out of here. We have enough problems.
Derek: My good man, allow me to bury the hatchet. Being rebooted again has evolved me past any feelings of jealousy. [chimes] Oh, I know that sound. Looks like someone found my sex diaper. I'll leave you guys alone to live that dipe-life.

Quote from John

Eleanor: 30 seconds left.
Michael: Come on.
John: Oh, oh, it's a butterfly! Oh, it's Mariah Carey's lower back butterfly tattoo.
Tahani: Yes! [all cheer and laugh]
Michael: Well done, John. And because you guessed correctly, watch what happens.
John: Oh! I should've gotten that sooner. I wrote my college thesis on that back tattoo.

Quote from Brent

Eleanor: Okay, okay, okay. You know what? Magic Pictionary is over now, so let's all go home and get some sleep.
Brent: You guys want me to kill it? I've shot a lot of race horses.

Quote from Jason

Tahani: Why would you help us? One day, you're flattening penises, and the next, you just decide to defect?
Glenn: Actually, one of my jobs was to reinflate the penises so they could get flattened again. It doesn't matter. Listen, I loved torturing humans because I thought they deserved it. They said everyone in the Bad Place was evil and beyond repair. I don't know if I believe that anymore. Also, Shawn is so mean, you guys. He yells at me all the time. It's, like, unnecessary.
Jason: I feel you, dog. I was yelled at my whole life. People were always like, "You didn't pay for that!" "How do you plead?" "He's flatlining!" "Clear!"

Quote from Shawn

[flashback:]
Glenn: I couldn't figure out how to make it contain your demon essence, so you'll have to wear it over the Vicky suit.
Shawn: Ugh, really? You're the worst, Glenn. Let's do it. Zip her up.
Vicky: Okay, but if I melt, I am gonna be, like, so annoyed.
Michael Skinsuit: Huh. Pretty well-made. I can really feel all the musty skin folds, and... and the dangly bits.
Shawn: The voice is perfect. You sound so much like him, I want to punch you.
Glenn: Are we sure it's okay that we made this? I mean, what are you gonna use it for?
Shawn: [mockingly] What are you gonna use it... [normal voice] Shut up, Glenn. The experiment is about to begin. Let's call the real Michael and send him spiraling down the toilet bowl like the pinched turd he is.

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