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‘Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy

404. Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy

Aired October 17, 2019

Eleanor's world is rocked when Glenn arrives from the Bad Place and claims that Michael is actually the demon Vicky in a skin suit.

Quote from Jason

Glenn: I'll tell you whatever you want to know, but shouldn't we call The Judge?
Eleanor: We're not calling anyone until we figure some things out. We have questions.
Jason: Yeah, for example, if you're a devil, how come you're not wearing Prada? [Eleanor tosses Jason a candy] [gasps] Caramel!

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Quote from Tahani

Eleanor: All right, buttheads, what do we do?
Jason: I say we trust Michael. He's our friend.
Tahani: Wait, might be our friend, or he might be a lying trickster who just looks like our friend... the classic Mary-Kate Olsen.

Quote from Michael

Michael: I just don't want to show you what's underneath here.
Eleanor: I've seen a lot of weird hogs in my life, dude. Get over yourself.
Michael: That's not it. I'm a fire squid.
Jason: Dope.
Michael: No. Not dope. I'm a 6,000-foot tall fire squid. I have tentacles. There's teeth everywhere. I'm on fire, and my neck is long. And there's a smell and lots of juice. There's so much juice, Eleanor.
Jason: I think I speak for everyone here when I say I really have to see this.
Eleanor: So you're not gonna take off your demon Spanx because you're shy? That's convenient.
Michael: Eleanor, if I take off this suit, I will crash through the roof and the entire Neighborhood will see me and the experiment will be blown. But it's more than that. You guys will never look at me the same way again. I won't just be Michael. I'll be... some disgusting mass of burning tentacles. Do you really want to be friends with something like that?
Jason: Yes. I keep saying.

Quote from Michael

Jason: So does blowing up mean he was telling the truth or lying?
Janet: Neither. That was not supposed to happen. I've never killed anybody before.
Michael: No, don't worry. Demons can't die. He'll slowly reform himself over a few months, passing through all the stages of demon growth: larva, slug monster, spooky little girl, teenage boy, giant ball of tongues, social media CEO, and then finally demon, so... Look at the bright side. This worked out perfectly. I mean, not for Glenn, obviously, but for us. Lying demon's gone. We're still here. All good.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Mmm. I gotta say. Out of all the human stuff I've been able to experience in this neighborhood, nachos... number one. Easy.
Chidi: Really?
Eleanor: Yeah. I mean, salty, crunchy, cheesy, little bit of a kick? Name one better thing humans have created.
Chidi: The Sistine Chapel?
Eleanor: Pfft. Paint on a ceiling. I mean, it's fine, but can you eat it at the movies?
Chidi: Touche.

Quote from John

Eleanor: 30 seconds left.
Michael: Come on.
John: Oh, oh, it's a butterfly! Oh, it's Mariah Carey's lower back butterfly tattoo.
Tahani: Yes! [all cheer and laugh]
Michael: Well done, John. And because you guessed correctly, watch what happens.
John: Oh! I should've gotten that sooner. I wrote my college thesis on that back tattoo.

Quote from Brent

Eleanor: Okay, okay, okay. You know what? Magic Pictionary is over now, so let's all go home and get some sleep.
Brent: You guys want me to kill it? I've shot a lot of race horses.

Quote from Jason

Tahani: Why would you help us? One day, you're flattening penises, and the next, you just decide to defect?
Glenn: Actually, one of my jobs was to reinflate the penises so they could get flattened again. It doesn't matter. Listen, I loved torturing humans because I thought they deserved it. They said everyone in the Bad Place was evil and beyond repair. I don't know if I believe that anymore. Also, Shawn is so mean, you guys. He yells at me all the time. It's, like, unnecessary.
Jason: I feel you, dog. I was yelled at my whole life. People were always like, "You didn't pay for that!" "How do you plead?" "He's flatlining!" "Clear!"

Quote from Shawn

[flashback:]
Glenn: I couldn't figure out how to make it contain your demon essence, so you'll have to wear it over the Vicky suit.
Shawn: Ugh, really? You're the worst, Glenn. Let's do it. Zip her up.
Vicky: Okay, but if I melt, I am gonna be, like, so annoyed.
Michael Skinsuit: Huh. Pretty well-made. I can really feel all the musty skin folds, and... and the dangly bits.
Shawn: The voice is perfect. You sound so much like him, I want to punch you.
Glenn: Are we sure it's okay that we made this? I mean, what are you gonna use it for?
Shawn: [mockingly] What are you gonna use it... [normal voice] Shut up, Glenn. The experiment is about to begin. Let's call the real Michael and send him spiraling down the toilet bowl like the pinched turd he is.

Quote from Jason

Eleanor: You knew about this?
Michael: Yes, yes, but there's... there's a good explanation.
Glenn: Yeah, the explanation is that's Vicky, and she's lying to you about everything. Call The Judge and we'll settle this once and for all.
Jason: Or is that exactly what you wanted us to do?
Glenn: That is what I want you to do.
Jason: Exactly.

Quote from Derek

Eleanor: What is all this stuff? Are these weapons?
Derek: [appears] Ooh, don't touch those. Those are my special magnet handcuffs. They make me feel silly when Mindy and I are playing Upstairs-Downstairs Derek.
Eleanor: Oh, they're sex toys. Ugh, they're sex toys.
Jason: Dude, get out of here. We have enough problems.
Derek: My good man, allow me to bury the hatchet. Being rebooted again has evolved me past any feelings of jealousy. [chimes] Oh, I know that sound. Looks like someone found my sex diaper. I'll leave you guys alone to live that dipe-life.

Quote from Michael

Eleanor: Okay, explain yourself... if yourself even is yourself.
Michael: I am Michael. Shawn did call me, and I saw the Michael suit. He said if the experiment failed, he was gonna use it to make you think I was torturing you.
Tahani: Why didn't you tell us?
Michael: Because he said he would just erase your memories of me telling you, so it wouldn't matter anyway. He thought that I would crumble under the pressure.
Eleanor: But a month ago, you told me you only pretended to freak out in order to get me to step up and become a leader.
Michael: Yes, that also was a lie, but it was an inspirational one. Like, "So great running into you. We should get coffee some time," or all of Instagram.

Quote from Jason

Janet: Well, I'm done. I scooped it all up into one steaming pile of Glenn.
Jason: Maybe I can put him back together. I'm hella good at puzzles. I finished this word search in, like, 30 seconds.
[Jason holds up a world puzzle where he's circled each word on the list but not on the grid]
Janet: Jason, I feel terrible. I know he was a demon and he may have lied to us, but he didn't deserve that.
Jason: You were only trying to help us. Look, I know this is a weird time, but if you ever want to talk, just know that I'm here for you, girl.
Janet: Thanks, Jason. That means a lot. [hugs Jason]

Quote from Michael

Michael: I have a better idea. I'm gonna blow myself up.
Eleanor & Tahani: What?
Michael: I'll blow myself up. That way, you can continue the experiment with Chidi as one of the people, which is our best chance to ever be successful.
Eleanor: Why not just lock you in a room or in Janet's void or something?
Michael: But then you might worry that I'd escape. I blow myself up, I'm out of your hair for good. Well, parts of me will be in your actual hair, but you get it.
Tahani: Michael, wait.
Michael: Tahani, this is the only way. There's literally noting I can say that will make you realize that I'm really me. Oh, boy. This is gonna suck. Hopefully, I will see you all in a few months. Good luck. Oh, and make sure that you, uh, get all of me into the container, or I might come back way shorter. And that would bum me out. I wish I were saying this in different circumstances but... Take it sleazy.
Jason: Michael, wait!
[After Jason puts handcuffs on Janet, she is revealed to be Bad Janet]
Bad Janet: Oh, crud nuts.

Quote from Jason

Tahani: Jason, how did you know that was bad Janet?
Jason: Michael said there's nothing he could say that would make you realize he's really him, but Janet does have a thing she can say that does make me realize she is really not her.
Eleanor: What?
Jason: I called Janet "girl," but she didn't say, "Not a girl." The real Janet always says, "Not a girl."
Michael: [gasps] Oh, wow. That realization is the only thing that stopped me from becoming a pile of goo.

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