Mindy St. Claire: So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s. I only cared about making money and doing cocaine. And I was pretty crappy to my family as well. One night, I had an epiphany, right? I needed to do something good with my life. So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world, would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture, and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.
Eleanor: You were pretty coked-up, huh?
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, yeah, man, I was flying high. It was so awesome. But... you're not gonna believe this... I followed through. Yeah, I woke up the next morning, I went straight to the bank, I withdrew my life savings, and I was gonna start that charity.
Eleanor: Good for you!
Mindy St. Claire: And then I immediately fell into subway tracks and was electrocuted by the third rail.
Eleanor: Ooh...
Mindy St. Claire: Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me... [chuckles] 'Cause I love cocaine. [laughs] Do you have any? I'm just... I shouldn't... Do you?
Eleanor: No.
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just... I was just kidding. It was just a joke. I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now? [long silence]

Eleanor: Hey, you wanna grab a drink or something?
Mindy St. Claire: Uh, no, I kind of have my own private time routine.
Eleanor: I thought you'd want company after being here alone for so long.
Mindy St. Claire: No.
Eleanor: Okay, I get it.
Mindy St. Claire: Hey, uh, where did you get that? That's not one of my books. I only have Anne Rice vampire novels with water stains, and I've cut words out of most of them to make pornography.
Eleanor: My friend in the Good Place gave it to me when he was teaching me ethics. It reminds me of him.
Mindy St. Claire: Look, if you wanna survive, you have to forget what you left behind. Take that whole experience, crumple it up, throw it in the garbage can.
Eleanor: Okay. Instead of reading, I will watch this VHS copy of Cannonball Run II. Or maybe The Making of 'Cannonball Run II.' Wow. Very medium.

Eleanor: Hi. You gotta help us. I'm Eleanor. This is Chidi. And see, we thought we were in the Good Place, but as it turns out...
Mindy St. Claire: Yeah, guys. I know. You've been here 15 times already.
Chidi: What?
Mindy St. Claire: Did you bring the cocaine I asked for? Please tell me you somehow remembered this time. Mama needs her medicine.
Eleanor: We've met before? [Mindy sobs softly]
Janet: I'm Janet.
Mindy St. Claire: I know.

Eleanor: Is it always the three of us?
Mindy St. Claire: It's always at least Eleanor and Janet. Usually Chidi's in the mix. Sometimes Jason is here. One time, Jason and Tahani were here. But you know what? No matter what the combo is, I always ask you guys to bring me cocaine next time, and you never do. Do you have anything I can snort, like a crushed-up aspirin or some eye shadow or cocaine?
Eleanor: Still no. There's only one question we need to answer right now, and that is, what do we do next? I mean, this place doesn't seem terrible.
Both: Maybe we should just stay here forever.
Mindy St. Claire: You always say that. And you always end up going back. I mean, sometimes you go back because you feel bad your friends don't know what you know. Sometimes you go back because you walk in on me while I'm masturbating, and sometimes you go back because I walk in on you while I'm masturbating. But no matter what, you always go back. You formulate a plan to defeat Michael, and you head back.

Chidi: Okay, a plan. We need a plan, but...
Chidi & Mindy St. Claire: What if we come up with a plan we've already tried before? Will you please stop that?
Mindy St. Claire: Yeah, just to help you out a little, I've written down every plan you've ever come up with, which obviously never worked, because you're here, and you're back, so good luck.
Eleanor: "Physically attack Michael." "Seduce Michael." "Make Michael think he's the one in the Bad Place." "Catch that magic panda. Use her powers." Oh, I'm guessing that was Jason.
Mindy St. Claire: That guy has no idea what's going on.

Eleanor: Ugh! Sorry, can I just vent to you for a second? Chidi is so annoying. I just... I cannot believe that he is the one I'm stuck here with.
Mindy St. Claire: Uh-huh, wow, crazy.
Eleanor: Oh, sorry. Jeez, man, I thought you could be human for, like, two seconds and listen to me.
Mindy St. Claire: I have, Eleanor. I have listened to you talk about Chidi 15 times in 15 different ways. Let me just cut to the chase. You two, you got it bad for each other.
Eleanor: No, we don't. Chidi's just a friend. What am I saying? He's not even a friend. He's just a weird teacher that I hate. [Mindy picks up a VHS tape] Dude, I do not want to watch Cannonball Run 2 right now. All right, what happened in the first one, so I'm all caught up?
[A video of Chidi and Eleanor in bed together plays]
Eleanor: [on tape] I don't know what's gonna happen to us, but I need to tell you something. I love you. And you don't need to respond 'cause I know you have trouble saying how you feel...
Chidi: [on tape] I love you too.
Eleanor: [scoffs] Very funny, but that... that's obviously not real.
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, that's real, baby. That's real nasty. [chuckles] Yeah, this was, like, the sixth time you guys were here. I saw you getting sexy the previous three times, so I cut a little hole in the wall so I could tape you. Call it my lookin' hole.
Chidi: [on tape] Is that a camera?
Eleanor: [on tape] Mindy, you pervert!

Eleanor: How many times have Chidi and I slept together?
Mindy St. Claire: 8 different days, but, like, 20 different sessions.
Eleanor: And how many times did we say... that stuff?
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, only once. Oh, God, I hated it. It, like, really killed the vibe for me. See, after I watch the porno I made starring you, I watch you talk about your feelings to cool down. It's, like, anti-porn.
Eleanor: I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin. I mean, why would you show me that?
Mindy St. Claire: I don't know. You guys are, like, trapped here together. I feel bad. You know, I'm rooting for you guys.
Eleanor: No, there is no "us guys." We basically just met each other.
Mindy St. Claire: No, Eleanor. You guys have known each other a really long time. Also, it doesn't matter if I told you that or not, because when Michael finds out he's failed again, he'll just reboot you.
Eleanor: Chidi, Janet, we're leaving. I am taking this with me.
Mindy St. Claire: [deadpan] Oh, no. It's my only copy. Don't.

Mindy St. Claire: Anyway, so after I died, uh, my sister found my plan, and she used my money to start the Mindy St. Clair Rescue Alliance, yeah. It's actually the largest relief aid charity in the world.
Eleanor: Oh, so the question was, did you get credit for all those good person points or not?
Mindy St. Claire: Exactly. I don't know how long my case was pending or whatever, but when I woke up, the two sides had been fighting about me for a long time. [chuckles] Like a stripper over that last bump of coke at the party, if you know what I mean. But anyway, they finally came to this compromise, you know?
Eleanor: Well, it beats being tortured. I was about to turn myself in.
Mindy St. Claire: No. Yeah, there's no time for that morality nonsense, sweetheart. This is about survival. You gotta look out for number one.

Mindy St. Claire: So that's how you spend your days? Wandering around, searching for the thing that makes you complete?
Eleanor: Pretty much. I thought it was connected to my parents or my friends, but now I think it might be something else. I think it might be you. I think my final mission might be to convince you to go through the system. Take the test. You know, when I first met you, I thought, "Oof. Well, there's a chick I understand." Lone wolf, totally independent, knows what she wants."
Both: Cocaine and self-pleasure.
Eleanor: Right. But I actually think you're a version of me if I'd never met my friends. You're like the worst-case scenario of what I could have become. No offense.
Mindy St. Claire: None taken. Look, the thing is, Eleanor, I am fine with where I am.
Eleanor: See, I don't think you are. Or at least, you could be better. If we're cut from the same cloth, then trust me. There is greater happiness waiting for you if you form bonds with other people. And I think you know that. You told me about me and Chidi that time. You showed me the tape. You said you were rooting for us. I think you have the ability to care.
Mindy St. Claire: I don't know. Caring just seems like a lot of work.
Eleanor: Mm.
Mindy St. Claire: And I have been on my own for so long. I can't imagine putting my fate in the hands of some stranger.
Eleanor: I thought you might say that.

Eleanor: Well, given that she's the only person in the neighborhood, I'm guessing this is the pl... Oh! She's naked! [Mindy screams] Oh, sorry! [Mindy screams] [Jason yells] [Mindy screams] [Jason yells]
Mindy St. Claire: Who are you?
Janet: I'm Janet. [waves]