312. Chidi Sees the Time-Knife
Aired January 17, 2019
Michael, Janet and the humans travel to the IHOP to make their case to the Judge (Maya Rudolph).
Quote from Michael
Michael: All right. Why don't we all sit down so I can fill the Judge in on what we've learned? Your Honor, I once stood in front of you and said I thought there was something wrong with the points system. I finally know what it is. Life now is so complicated, it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place. I know you don't like to learn too much about life on Earth to remain impartial, but these days just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, contributing to global warming. Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making.
Judge: Your big revelation is life is complicated? That's not a revelation. That's a divorced woman's throw pillow. I mean, this guy chose this tomato. Those are the consequences. You don't want the consequences? Do the research. Buy another tomato. What else you got?
Michael: Um... I'll tell you what else I got, uh... I got this. ["floss" dance]
Eleanor: Michael. What... what are you doing?
Michael: The Backpack Kid dance.
Michael: I don't know. It makes people happy. Is it helping?
Quote from Jason
Chidi: Can I say something? Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote...
Jason: Boring! [grunts] I got this. I want to tell you about a guy from my dance crew in Jacksonville called Big Noodle.
Eleanor: Well, we gave it our best shot, guys. It was nice knowing you.
Jason: I used to yell at Big Noodle 'cause he always showed up late to rehearsal. Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded. I needed a place to crash, so I slept at Big Noodle's house. Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs to take care of four grandparents who all lived in the same bed just like in Willy Wonka. I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that 'cause I knew how hard it was for him to be there. And he definitely didn't have time to research what tomatoes to buy. Even if he wanted to, possession of a non-fried vegetable is a felony in Jacksonville. The point is, you can't judge humans 'cause you don't know what we go through.
Quote from Judge
Michael: Amazingly, Your Honor, he's right. I didn't really understand people until I went to Earth. Maybe you should give it a shot. If you still don't see things our way, then we'll drop it, and you can, you know, zappy, zappy, marble, marble.
Judge: Yeah, sure. I'll give it a shot. I'll go down there. See what you guys "go through". And then one way or another, this is going to end. Hey, do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food? Oh... [scoffs] Mexico. Duh. [disappears]
Tahani: [sighs] Well, how long will she be gone?
Michael: No way to tell. Uh, my guess is...
Judge: [reappears] Oh, brother. That was rough.
Judge: Sheesh. Earth is a mess, y'all. Woof! Also, I guess I'm Black? And they do not like Black ladies down there. Crap, y'all. This is bad.
Quote from Judge
Chidi: Where did you go, exactly?
Judge: Tanzania, Paraguay, Vietnam, Denmark. It's terrible everywhere and always in a different way. The only place I liked was Hawaii, although I barely left the resort. The last place I went was a Black Friday sale at an outlet mall in Michigan.
Judge: For the deals. Earth stinks, y'all. It's hot, and it's crowded, but somehow also cold and lonely. I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions. The first thing I did was I googled "big, juicy natural tomatoes," which led me to a porn site that was for people with a sunburn fetish or... I kind of never recovered.
Michael: Right. That's problem number one. Life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable. Problem number two: even if you do somehow manage to make good decisions, you still lose points because of the unintended consequences.
Eleanor: Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere. Like, there's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. And it's delicious.
Judge: It is. It is so good.
Chidi: And I essentially tried to do what you suggested. I obsessed over every choice. But that was also bad, and I still got sent to the Bad Place. So, I'm problem number three.
Judge: Oh, no, you are nobody's problem, sweetheart. [sighs] You know, we got to figure this out.
Quote from Shawn
Shawn: [appears] And then Turtle makes a bet with Ronda Rousey, and if she loses, she has to... Oh, come on. I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing the plot to the Entourage movie.
Quote from Michael
Michael: Look, there are plenty of awful people and thoughtless jerks, and, I guess Nazis again, somehow. But there are also people who are really trying to be good, and they aren't getting close.
Shawn: Because they're not good at being good because they're bad. The score they got on Earth is how good or bad they are. Full stop, end of story.
Michael: Then why did these four get better over and over again in my Neighborhood? Why did they help each other in ways they had never helped anyone on Earth?
Shawn: I don't know. Maybe it's a fluke. Plus, you have zero proof they did get better. You didn't keep track of their points.
Chidi: That's it. I know what we have to... [falls through the floor] Aah!
Janet: Oh. He forgot we're still in the IHOP.
Quote from Shawn
Shawn: What is this?
Judge: Some new information has come to my attention, and I need a solution. I want the Bad Place to weigh in on this. But first, let's have a change of scenery. [all yelp]
Janet: Remember, guys, we're still in the IHOP, so be careful.
Judge: Shawn, I have reason to believe that humans might be, on average, better than the points system suggests they are.
Shawn: Counterpoint: humans are terrible. Limp Bizkit, slavery. The prosecution rests.
Judge: Got to say, that's a solid rebuttal.
Quote from Derek
Derek: "How should he love thee? Or how deem thee wise Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering?" Oh, I didn't see you there. I was just reciting some Edgar Allan Poe. Hi. I'm Derek. Welcome to the Medium Place. [blowing bubbles]
Janet: Derek, why are you so different?
Derek: You have Mindy to thank for that. See, she found a plunger sticking out of the ground behind our house, and every time she hits it, I pass out. When I come to, I'm a little bit smarter and a little bit better. Not to brag, but I almost have a full-grown penis now. It's resplendent and mostly functional.
Janet: How many times has Mindy rebooted you?
Derek: I don't know. Half a million.
Derek: She reboots me a lot. Sometimes when she's bored or just needs some "alone time." Sometimes just for laughs. [laughs] Derek. Shall we head inside?
Quote from Shawn
Judge: So one last issue: where do we get all the other residents for this place?
Michael: Well, my original Neighborhood was built for torture, so everyone was a demon. We can't have that. I say we get them from the Good Place.
Shawn: Over my dead skin suit.
Quote from Tahani
Tahani: It looks like we're inside a Diane Von Furstenburg pattern... from spring 2013!