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‘Janet and Michael’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Good Place: Janet and Michael

207. Janet and Michael

Aired October 26, 2017

Janet and Michael try to get to the bottom of her recent glitches before the entire neighborhood is threatened.

Quote from Jason

Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You two are sleeping together?
Jason: Only when we're done having sex. Anyways, Janet, can you help us?
Janet: As soon as Michael puts me back online, I'd be more than happy to help you get that extra special gift for Tahani.
[The building starts to disappear around them]
Jason: Whoa.
Tahani: What's happening?
Michael: Oh, boy.
Jason: What the...? Oh, man. We got robbed! They took the walls, they took the floor, and we were standing here the whole time? These guys are good.

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Quote from Janet

Michael: After the very first time you were rebooted, and as you were slowly regaining your knowledge, you bonded with Jason. The two of you got married, and I think, somehow, you're still, deep down, in love with him.
Janet: Ha! No, that is impossible.
Michael: Think logically. When was the first glitch?
Janet: When I said I was happy to give Jason and Tahani couples therapy.
Michael: And the second glitch?
Janet: When I said I was happy to see them embracing.
Michael: And the third glitch... the earthquake?
Janet: When I said I was happy that I'd helped improve their relationship. Ohh... nuts.
Michael: Yeah.
Janet: But I am happy for them. I am. I am. Am I? I am. I am not. I am not. I am not that. I am not happy for them. [gasps]

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: Sorry to interrupt, um, but you didn't give me a heads-up about this new Vicky torture... uh, the one with the needles... in my face.
Michael: A little busy here, bud.
Chidi: Yeah, totally. Totally. I don't want to be a nudge, but is there anything else coming down the pike that you forgot to mention?
Michael: I honestly don't know, but I have bigger fish to fry. So you, know, just... just walk it off.
Chidi: I would love to walk it off, but my feet have needles in them.
Michael: Don't know what to tell you.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Vicky, this is a temporary problem. I promise. Hey, you know who could use some torturing right now? Chidi.
Val: Oh. I love torturing Chidi.
Michael: I know.
Val: No, actually, I had this great idea the other night. Thought it was worth exploring. Picture this. Needles.
Michael: Oh, that's the whole idea.
Val: Yeah, yeah.
Michael: Needles.
Val: Genius, right? Yeah. I mean, needles.
Michael: Oh, wonderful. Wonderful. So smart.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Excuse us, Michael, but we've been trying to call Janet and she isn't answering.
Janet: Hi, guys. I'm broken.
Michael: Uh, yeah. I had to take her offline for a system check. She'll be available real soon.
Jason: Cool, because I'm just so freaking excited, because Tahani said she's never had jalapeno poppers, and I wanted to get some for her.
Tahani: They sound so disgusting. But if Jason likes them, then maybe I will too. Because we are together. I can finally admit that.
Jason: Aww, babe, you admitted it. That's sweet.

Quote from Jason

Tahani: Is Janet going to be all right?
Michael: Totally fine, please just go back to your house and wait for her there. She'll show up shortly with lots of jalapeno poppers.
Jason: And cheesy fries?
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Jason: With donkey sauce?
Michael: Sure.
Jason: And a cool hat?
Michael: Ding dong.

Quote from Janet

Michael: "Incompatible with objective truth." Janet, the problem isn't me lying to you, but rather you lying to other people. Like when you said to Jason, "I'd be happy to help you and Tahani." That was a lie.
Janet: No, it wasn't. I'm always happy to help people. That's my main purpose.
Michael: I know, I know. But it was still a lie, even though you didn't intend it to be, because you weren't actually happy to help them. Because you're in love with Jason.
Janet: Say what now?

Quote from Michael

Michael: It's dangerous, is what it is. Vicky could find out, and then the... you know, the plan, the whole plan... It's bad for the plan, Janet. That... that's the reason.
Janet: I don't understand. Given the situation, it's far safer to initiate the self-destruct.
Michael: Okay, look, see, here... here's the reason. See, I promised the four humans that we would escape to the Good Place once and for all. And without you, we stand zero chance of ever making it there.
Janet: The new Janet will be able to help you with that.
Michael: Well, all right, but it's not only that, though. See, it's also because of, um... What if Vicky found out?
Janet: You already asked me that. Why are you making such a big deal about turning me into a marble forever?
Michael: Because of reasons. There are reasons. They exist, and I just don't want to explain them right now.
Janet: What are the reasons?
Michael: They're reasons, Janet!
Janet: Okay, but what are they?
Michael: The reason is... friends. You're my friend, Janet. That's why I can't kill you. We have been through so much together. I mean, yeah, sure, for you, you know, each time I rebooted you, you met me all over again. But for me, our... our relationship has become important. You're my oldest, my truest, my most loyal friend.
I can't just get rid of you and replace you with some other Janet I don't even know. [paperclip clatters]

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: So, let me get this straight. You want me to convince Michael to turn you into a marble because you're causing earthquakes because you're sad about Jason... to whom you were once married... because he's currently sleeping with Tahani?
Janet: Correct.
Eleanor: I don't think I've ever meant this literally, but that might be too much information. First of all, I totally get the Jason thing. I mean, he's a ding dong, but also a straight hottie. So, up top. [they high-five] But more important, what you're going through is something every person has gone through.
Janet: Not a person.
Eleanor: Actually, right now, you kind of are. Because you just found out your ex is dating someone else. And, yeah, it sucks. But trust me, it's not worth all this drama. You just need to get drunk and go dancing. You'll forget all about Jason. Can you get drunk?
Janet: Not really. Although, if I stand next to a powerful array of magnets, I do get pretty loopy.
Eleanor: Do that. Pop a couple magnets, listen to some No Doubt, dye your hair. You'll be totally fine in, like, two seconds. I mean, honestly, the best move is to get another dude and just go to town. Rebound guy. But I guess here, your options are pretty limited. What about Michael?
Janet: Extraordinarily bad idea.
Eleanor: Yeah, right. Forget it. But you don't need to worry. You're awesome. You contain all the knowledge in the universe, you have a rippin' bod, and you can literally do anything. This is just a blip.

Quote from Michael

[flashback:]
Janet: Hello.
Michael: [exclaims] So... sorry.
Janet: To activate your Janet, press nose for three seconds.
Michael: Okay, okay. Um, can you walk yet? Here. [mechanical whirring] Oh.
Janet: Hello, I'm Janet.
Michael: Shh.
Janet: Hello.
Michael: Shh.
Janet: Hello, I'm Janet.
Michael: I really need you to shut up.

Quote from Michael

[flashback:]
Val: Where did you get this? Did you actually get into the Good Place somehow?
Michael: Didn't need to. They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension beneath the shapeless time void. It's right next to Accounting.
Val: And you just walked in and stole her? It was that easy? You didn't have to choke out an angel or anything?
Michael: Doors were unlocked, no security. I mean, it makes sense, right? They're good, so they're stupid and trusting.

Quote from Janet

[flashback:]
Shawn: I understand that you need the four humans to think they're in the Good Place, but using an actual Good Place Janet seems risky. Why don't you just have a Bad Place Janet pretend to be good?
Michael: I thought about it, but... watch. Bad Janet?
Bad Janet: [appears] What up, skidmarks?
Michael: Let's try that thing again where you pretend to be a Good Janet, okay?
Bad Janet: Aww.
Michael: Now, really... really try your best.
Bad Janet: Fine.
Michael: Say, Janet, where can I get some delicious ice cream?
Bad Janet: Oh, there's a wonderful parlor in the middle of town square. My favorite flavor is rocky road. It contains chocolate ribbon, marshmallows, and your... dad's salty nuts, you fat dink! [face melts]
Shawn: I see what you mean. Use the good one.

Quote from Janet

Michael: Wait a second, Janet. What... what are you... What are you telling me? Are you saying that because you're glitching out...
Janet: The neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. Fun fact: mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode. [laughs]
Michael: Okay, okay. So I suppose the next question should be, "What's causing the problem?"
Janet: Unclear. The glitches started out small, and then began to escalate, and then I came here looking for help, and then I started talking, and then you looked at me annoyed, like that, and now here we are.
Michael: Okay. All right. Yeah, this is very bad. Let's run a full diagnostic, Janet.
Janet: You got it. [picks nose]
Michael: A little short on time here, Janet.
Janet: It's just a little hard to get out. [picks both nostrils] Almost got it. Here it is. My user manual.
Michael: Okay. Let's get started.

Quote from Janet

Michael: "Hello, and welcome to your new Janet. Janets are brought to you by the makers of light, darkness, and everything." And I need to skip ahead here. Where's the, uh, troubleshooting part?
Val: Michael.
Michael: Hmm?
Val: What's with the earthquake?
Michael: Janet's experiencing a slight technical issue.
Val: Ew. What's wrong with it?
Michael: Oh, um, uh...
Janet: I tried to eat some frozen yogurt. It looked so good, but I'm not supposed to eat anything. So there was a little earthquake. [rumbling] See? There it is again.
Val: Can't you just reset these things? What do you do again? Oh, it's the ears, yeah? It's... it's, uh... It's down, down, out...

Quote from Michael

Michael: Okay, hopefully bought us a little time. Where were we? Uh... Oh, here we go. Yeah. "Glitches. "In the event of malfunction, run the following tests. First test, basic corporeal function." Hop up on the table, there. [uses otoscope] All right, great. [uses thermometer] 99.7 trillion degrees. A little bit on the high side, but no biggie. [uses blood pressure cuff] And... still no blood. Oh, thank goodness. Okay, what's next? "Summoning and retrieval. Have Janet produce an object using the random object generator program." Okay. A 14-ounce ostrich steak impaled on a giant novelty pencil that says, "Lordy, Lordy, I'm Over 40."
Janet: Here you go.
Michael: "Lordy, Lordy, I'm Over 40." Perfect. Okay. "Third test, informational Accuracy. Glitches may be a sign that..."
Janet: You didn't finish your sentence.
Michael: "Glitches may be a sign that your Janet is processing or disseminating information that is incompatible with objective truth." They're talking about lying, Janet. This is all my fault. I told you a lie that first day we met.

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