Eleanor: Ugh, you want a robot killed right, you have to do it yourself.
Janet: Eleanor? Eleanor, no, no, no. Please, wait, wait, wait, wait! Eleanor, I have kids. I have three beautiful children... Tyler, Emma, and little, tiny baby Phillip. Look at Tyler. Tyler has asthma, but he is battling it like a champ. Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them. [growling] Look at them! Look at them!
Eleanor: [yelps] It's so realistic!
Janet: Eleanor, again, I'm not human. This is a stock photo of the crowd at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

Janet: Here we are. Just press that button, and it's good-bye, Janet. [Chidi groans] Chidi, I can see that you're worried, and I just want to assure you, I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.
Chidi: Ah, thank you. That helps.
Janet: However, I should warn you... I am programmed with a fail-safe measure. As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life. It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real.
Eleanor: Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?
Chidi: Uh, well... I think I have to. Um, being a bystander seems worse, somehow. Okay, here we go.
Janet: Chidi, no, no, no! Chidi, please! Please, please, please don't hurt me. I don't want to die! Please, please...
Chidi: Ah!
Janet: Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier.
Chidi: Your pleading seems so real.
Janet: Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.

Janet: No, no, no, no, Michael, please, please, please! Please don't kill me. I have so much to live for.
Michael: I'm sorry, Janet, got to reboot you every time I start over.
Janet: Oh, I know. I'm not actually upset. It's just the automatic fail-safe mechanism that kicks in every time you approach the plunger. Go ahead. Michael, you monster!

Michael: Hey, how's it going?
Janet: Not good, Michael. I don't have my powers. I can't summon things. Dictionary. Spaghetti. Jet-ski. Giraffe. Gah! Look what I've been reduced to! Humans only live 80 years and they spend so much of it just waiting for things to be over.
Michael: I'm all out of sorts down here, too. I'm bad at lying now. That used to be my thing! And every part of my body is either too dry or too wet.
Janet: It's worse for me, man! Ever since we walked through that portal, my knowledge has stopped updating. The instant before we left, a man in Caracas, Venezuela, named Raul Benitez was eating a ham sandwich. Did he finish it? I don't know and it's making me crazy! I gotta find him.

Michael: This is the perfect hobby for you, Chidi. Cartography. Your neighborhood stretches way beyond what you've already seen. And you can map it, revealing all of the mysteries, like an explorer.
Chidi: I see how that might be fun. Uh, but, uh, exploring makes me nervous. I have what doctor's call "directional insanity." I once got lost on an escalator. So not exactly Christopher Columbus.
Janet: Fun fact: Columbus is in the Bad Place because of all the raping, slave trade, and genocide.
Michael: The fact that it makes you nervous is exactly why you should do it. You know, get out of your comfort zone. Become a trail-blazer.
Janet: Fun fact: all deceased members of the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team are also in the Bad Place. [giggles]
Michael: Yeah, sorry about this. I steered her away from colloquialisms and into "fun facts" and trivia tidbits. I thought it'd be more in her wheelhouse.
Janet: Fun fact: a "wheelhouse" is a part of a boat.
Michael: Okay, thank you, Janet, thank you.
Janet: Fun fact: Janet is me.

Janet: [montage] Michael, Michael, if I'm gone, who will take care of my birds?
Janet: Michael, no, no, no, no, no! I... I'm pregnant. And it's your baby.
Janet: I have tickets to Hamilton next week, and there's a rumor that Daveed Diggs is coming back.
Michael: Janet, we've been through this hundreds of times. I mean, can you just chill out? Is that possible, Janet? Can you just chill out a little?
Janet: Nope, it's gonna be the same every time.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Janet: No, no, no! No, Michael!

Judge: Now, come with me.
Janet: [a tray of beers appears] Hey, my powers are back online. [a chair appears] This must be everything I tried to summon on Earth. [a plate of spaghetti and a turtle appear]
Judge: Stop it!
Janet: I don't think I can. I'm like a printer when the print queue suddenly starts processing all the unprinted documents... Oh, man! Buckle up, folks. [a huge pile of stuff appears between Janet and Michael, and the Judge]
Michael: Let's go. Right now!
Judge: Janet! Make it stop! Janet, stop it! Janet, this is annoying! Janet!
The Doorman: [tosses Michael the keys] Good luck, frog man. I'm pulling for ya.

Michael: So, obviously, this was a troubling development.
Bad Janet: [groans] Can you just skip to the end?
Michael: No. I need to tell you the whole story.
Bad Janet: Why? Every story about humans ends the same way. Just tell me how they screwed up and put me out of my misery.
Michael: You're judging them too quickly. Trust me, I've spent a lot more time with people than you have.
Bad Janet: And I know literally everything that every one of them has ever done. Do you know what's happening right now on Earth? Wars, murders, women in $400 yoga pants are refusing to vaccinate their children. Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing the charging cable shape again. Where does this hope come from, man? This insane hope that people are worth the trouble. To quote a terrible song by a terrible musician that people love so much they constantly put it in terrible movie trailers: humans are "b-b-b-b-bad to the bone".
Michael: Well, I think that they're g-g-g-good sometimes. And you should give them the b-b-b-benefit of the d-d-d-doubt. Now, where was I?

Tahani: Hello, Janet. Jianyu and I are here for the couples package, please.
Chidi: [clears throat] And also I will be joining them.
Janet: Great, and who is the other half of your couple?
Chidi: Oh, no, no, it's just me.
Janet: Couples are pairs of people.
Chidi: Yup, and, uh, there is a pair of people, Tahani and Jianyu. And then also I am here.
Janet: Great, and who will be joining you?
Chidi: No one. Um, it's really quite simple, Janet. They are a couple, and I am a third part of that couple. Uh, a helper part who is here for fun and excitement. It's a three-person couple.
Janet: [in robotic voice] Does not compute. Does not compute. [normal voice] I'm just kidding. [laughs] I mean, it doesn't compute, but I'm not gonna explode or anything.
Tahani: Right. Well, I'll see you inside, darling.

Eleanor: Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.
Janet: Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house. It'll be our sexy little secret. [off Eleanor's look] Jason taught me about sexy things.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?
Janet: Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
Eleanor: Eh, some of those are right. [Jason and Janet high-five]