Derek Hofstetler Quotes Page 1 of 3

Quote from Derek

Derek: I don't understand what you even like about Jason. What does he have that I don't have?
Janet: A soul... and genitals.
Derek: [groans] Here we go with this whole "no genitals" thing again. You're the one that gave me wind chimes instead of a penis, Janet.
Janet: This isn't about your wind-chime penis. In fact, it's not about you at all. I don't even know what it is about which is very confusing because the whole point of me is that I know everything!

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Quote from Chidi Sees the Time-Knife

Derek: "How should he love thee? Or how deem thee wise Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering?" Oh, I didn't see you there. I was just reciting some Edgar Allan Poe. Hi. I'm Derek. Welcome to the Medium Place. [blowing bubbles]
Janet: Derek, why are you so different?
Derek: You have Mindy to thank for that. See, she found a plunger sticking out of the ground behind our house, and every time she hits it, I pass out. When I come to, I'm a little bit smarter and a little bit better. Not to brag, but I almost have a full-grown penis now. It's resplendent and mostly functional.
Janet: How many times has Mindy rebooted you?
Derek: I don't know. Half a million.
Janet: What?
Derek: She reboots me a lot. Sometimes when she's bored or just needs some "alone time." Sometimes just for laughs. [laughs] Derek. Shall we head inside?

Quote from Whenever You're Ready

Eleanor: Knock, knock, knock.
Mindy St. Claire: Oh. Hey, what's up?
Eleanor: Can I talk to you for a sec?
Mindy St. Claire: Yeah, sure, why not? Hey, Derek?
Derek: [appears as a blue head] Yes, Mindy? What can Derek do for you?
Mindy St. Claire: Eleanor and I are gonna talk for a bit, so go into your nether sphere.
Eleanor: That's Derek?
Derek: Mindy has rebooted Derek more than 151 million times. Derek is now both a singular point in space, and yet, Derek also contains space itself. The nexus of Derek is without dimension. The moment of Derek's creation and the eventual heat death of the universe are now inexorably the same.
Mindy St. Claire: Ugh, you are so annoying! [restarts Derek]

Quote from Derek

Janet: Derek. There's no easy way to say this. I never should have made you. [Derek chuckles] I think it's time for you to go away.
Derek: I understand because you understand. Janet, this relationship has been the best seven hours of my whole life. It's been the only seven hours of my whole life.
Janet: I made you this morning. We all remember.

Quote from Derek

Janet: Goodbye, Derek.
Derek: Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.
Eleanor: Does he seem a little bit uh... still alive?
Janet: Well, he's about as dead as he can be. Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.
Derek: [o.s.] Derek.
Eleanor: Are you worried you might start glitching again?
Janet: No, I think I'll be okay now that I understand what I'm going through, and now that I know I can talk to my friends about it. Okay, I'm going to toss this steamer trunk containing the lifeless husk of my ex-boyfriend into a remote corner of my limitless void. Bye, guys.
Derek: [o.s.] Derek!

Quote from A Girl from Arizona (Part 1)

Janet: Derek, what are you doing here? You're supposed to stay at Mindy's.
Derek: I can't help it. I'm just such a proud daddy Derek. I mean, will you look at all these beautiful babies that we made?
Jason: She made them, dude. You barely did anything. Probably just, like, made all the butts.
Derek: I did make all the butts. I made that butt... I made that butt...
Janet: Right.
Derek: I made both those butts.
Janet: Derek, you have to stay at Mindy's house. What if one of our new humans sees you and starts asking questions about the weirdo in the tux?
Derek: Say no more. But before I leave, can I have a hug in celebration of everything that we created?
Janet: Okay.
Derek: Aww. That feels so... Derek.

Quote from A Girl from Arizona (Part 1)

Jason: Dude! Janet told you to stay at Mindy's.
Derek: I know, I just came to mix myself a Derek, and then I'll be on my way.
Jason: Before you leave, I want to call a truce.
Derek: Hmm?
Jason: Feel like you're trying to get under my skin, but it's okay. I've decided to rise above it.
Derek: Well spoken, Mr. Mendoza. Let me say in response... I will destroy you. Janet is, and always will be, my mommy-girlfriend. You have crossed the Rubicon now, pal.

Quote from Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy

Eleanor: What is all this stuff? Are these weapons?
Derek: [appears] Ooh, don't touch those. Those are my special magnet handcuffs. They make me feel silly when Mindy and I are playing Upstairs-Downstairs Derek.
Eleanor: Oh, they're sex toys. Ugh, they're sex toys.
Jason: Dude, get out of here. We have enough problems.
Derek: My good man, allow me to bury the hatchet. Being rebooted again has evolved me past any feelings of jealousy. [chimes] Oh, I know that sound. Looks like someone found my sex diaper. I'll leave you guys alone to live that dipe-life.

Quote from Employee of the Bearimy

Bad Janet: Ugh. Get me down from here, you tiny butthole. Ow!
Derek: Thank you for keeping me safe from my sexy bad girl sister-aunt.
Bad Janet: Eww.
Derek: I know that I've caused you a lot of trouble in the past... classic Derek. But from now on, I'm here to help.
Eleanor: I'd feel a lot more confident if you weren't holding a champagne glass full of Scrabble letters, but you're all we got. You can keep the neighborhood running, right?
Derek: Well, I wasn't technically designed for this, but to be fair... [chuckles] I wasn't designed for anything.

Quote from Janet and Michael

Janet: If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go to my void for a little while. I just need to spend some time alone and focus on myself.
Michael: Take all the time you need.
[Janet disappears for a moment and reappears with a man facing the wrong way]
Janet: Hi, there.
Derek: Hello.
Michael: Janet, who's that man?
Janet: This is my new rebound boyfriend, Derek. I made him!
Derek: [chuckles] Hi, I'm Derek. You must be Mich... [Janet turns Derek around to face Michael] oh. Okay.
That makes more sense. You must be Michael. Janet's made a lot of talk-talk into my ear holes about you. Michael, Michael, Michael, Clichael, Clichael, Clichael.

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