Jason: Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.
Tahani: What are you talking about?
Jason: I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.
Tahani: No, it isn't. You could tell me your real name, for starters.
Jason: My name is Jason Mendoza. I'm from Florida. And I'm a professional amateur DJ.
Tahani: And is, uh, that a family member?
Jason: I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.
Tahani: You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with. You know what? It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person. How did you get here?
Jason: I don't know, but, please, dawg, you can't tell Michael about me.
Tahani: You have some nerve asking me for favors when you have spent weeks deceiving me, making a fool out of me, and bringing snack food into my house. Disgusting.
Jason: Oh, Ariana, we're really in it now.

Eleanor: No, no, no, you're wrong. There are way more things I hate about Chidi than like about him.
Real Eleanor: Like what?
Eleanor: His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection, oh, and he loves ethics so much. He once talked about John Rawls for two hours... I timed it. And he only stopped because he saw me timing him. Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself, it was a nice moment, but still. He always twitches his eyebrows when he says "absolutism," and he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant, but he never makes fun of me, which is nice. He's also incredibly patient, and kind, and surprisingly jacked, and, oh, fork, I'm in love with Chidi.
Real Eleanor: Let's take a little break. I know this is awkward, but as your advocate, and, I hope, friend, I think you should tell Chidi how you feel.
Bambadjan: Would a hug make you feel better?
Eleanor: No, I don't think that it would...
Bambadjan: Oh, too late, you're getting one. [hugs Eleanor]
Eleanor: Thanks, Bambadjan, that does make me feel better.

Jason: [over speaker] Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to married. [electronic wedding march music playing] Yo, check it. [rips off tuxedo sleeves]
Eleanor: [laughs] This is great. At different moments during our time here, we both thought that Tragic Mike over here was our one true love, and now he is marrying whatever Janet is.
Tahani: I suppose you're right. It is a bit strange.
Jason: I'd like to read a poem. "Janet, my digital queen. Janet, we can dare to dream. Send nude pics of your heart to me." [Eleanor gags] "Jacksonville Jaguars rule!"

Chidi: Oh, hey, it's my three favorite yogurts.
Eleanor: Hey, um, about what happened earlier... I've been kind of all over the place today. An hour ago, I thought Jianyu was my soul mate, and the fact that that kind of made sense means you and I could never be meant for each other. Plus, Jianyu's married to Janet now.
Chidi: Okay. What?
Eleanor: I do love you, but I think more in a best friend afterlife savior kind of way. I'm not so much "hot for teacher" as I am "eternally grateful for semi-cute, surprisingly ripped teacher."

Margaret: [on TV] [upper-class British accent] You have a fine home, Deirdre... I absolutely adore your chaise.
Deidre: [on TV] [Cockney accent] I don't know bugger all about a chaise... I been using this as a bloody toilet, I have. [Tahani laughs]
Eleanor: What's this show called, again?
Tahani: It's Deirdre and Margaret. It ran for 16 years on the BBC. They did nearly 30 episodes. It's about two women from very different worlds who become friends, sort of like us.
Margaret: [on TV] Oh, Deirdre, no! That's priceless art!
Deidre: [on TV] I thought it was fruit, innit?
Tahani: [laughs] Deirdre.
Eleanor: I take it the moron is me?
Tahani: Well, it's not a direct parallel.

Michael: Shawn, the judge, could show up at any moment, so we need to have a rock-solid argument for why Fake Eleanor should not be sent to the Bad Place.
Chidi: Should be fun.
Michael: That's the spirit! Don't even think about the fact that our slightest misstep could cause Fake Eleanor to suffer for eternity.
Chidi: That's all I'm thinking about now.
Michael: Yep, shouldn't have said that. Regretted it immediately.

Real Eleanor: Now, I know a fair amount about your time on Earth. Why don't you tell me about your time here? Anything that might help your case.
Eleanor: Well, in the first 24 hours, I caused the world to erupt into chaos, and then I caused a garbage storm. It was kind of a rough start, but things calmed down after Chidi started helping me learn about ethics.
Real Eleanor: Okay, tell me about that.
Eleanor: Well, I studied with Chidi every day, and then Chidi got sick of me, so I did some nice stuff to make him feel better. And later, I confessed because Chidi was being tortured by guilt, and I just felt awful seeing his little, nerdy face all contorted. [as Chidi] "Oh, Eleanor, I have a stomachache because of what you did." [laughs] He is such a dork.

Real Eleanor: You know, a lot of death row inmates feel regret about things they never said... admissions of guilt or anger... or love.
Eleanor: Are you making a move on me? It's fine... I just didn't see it coming.
Real Eleanor: Uh...
Eleanor: Well, hooking up with someone with the exact same name, it is kind of a fun, narcissistic fantasy...
Real Eleanor: No, no, Eleanor, I... I'm talking...
Eleanor: I could be into it.
Real Eleanor: Mm, no, I'm talking about you and Chidi. Now, ordinarily, you having feelings for my soul mate would be a conflict of interest...
Eleanor: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You think I'm into Chidi?
Real Eleanor: Yes, Eleanor, I do. Because you are.
Bambadjan: You mentioned his name nine times in the last ten minutes.
Eleanor: Nobody asked you, Bambadjan.

Michael: I'm not sure what will work with Shawn, but we should have all our bases covered. Shall we start with the Greeks or would you prefer the modern British masters? Chidi?
Chidi: I'm sorry, choices are hard for me when I'm under pressure.
Michael: I know that, buddy, but we're short of time here, and it's kind of important for Eleanor.
Chidi: Right, which is why I can't take this lightly. What if I screw up?
Michael: Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during Rock-Paper-Scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables." I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences.
Chidi: Oh, boy, now I'm nervous about that decision.
Michael: Retroactively? I mean, h... how do you even...?
Chidi: I don't know.

Chidi: Yeah, it would be easier to sort out the issue of dry erase versus paper if I could write down the pros and cons for each, but, of course, I would have to use one of them to write down the pros and cons for them, which is problematic.
Michael: Wow.
Eleanor: [claps] Ethics team, how's it going?
Michael: Terribly.
Eleanor: Cool. Well, you guys are kind of my last hope, so that's not great. [Chidi groans] Hey, do you mind if I borrow Professor Stomachache here for a second?
Michael: Please, take him for an hour, take all the time you want.