Tahani: Oh, Jason, I'm so sorry.
Jason: Janet was my whole afterlife. How am I gonna get over her?
Tahani: I used to have a breakup routine when a relationship ended. Champagne and Alanis Morissette. Not the actual singer. I just listened to her albums at my friend Adele's house.

Michael: Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original neighborhood?
Jason: Does it have to do with the TV show Monk?
Michael: No.

Michael: You get it all out of your system? You gonna come back, get to work?
Eleanor: No, man, I meant what I said. I quit.
Michael: I'm sorry you overheard that, and they're sorry they said it. But you don't just get to quit this, Eleanor. This is not your seventh-grade band, or three hours into a two-week juice cleanse. A little more at stake here.
Eleanor: Yeah, man, that's why I'm quitting. The things that are happening here are above my pay grade. How do I get Brent to stop being such a deckhead? How do I fix Simone when she's convinced all of this is happening inside of her brain? Ooh, maybe I should drive her into the arms of my ex-boyfriend? That sounds fun. What do I do about John, the gossip king, or the demon spy who punched me in the face? And how do I do it all with a pleasant smile to keep everyone's spirits up? I'm not meant for this. I'm not the freakin' savior of the universe. I'm just... a girl from Arizona. That's it. I'm just a normal girl from Arizona. I ate junk food, I watched reality shows, I sometimes left H&M wearing more underpants than I had on when I came in. I did a bad job of being in charge of my own life, and now I'm supposed to be in charge of everyone else's life? I... I cannot do this.

Eleanor: All right. Time to go help Simone and Chidi. Oof! Why did I come up with this idea? This is gonna hurt real bad.
Michael: I know. I know. But I think it's gonna work.
Eleanor: Yeah, but it's gonna suck for me. You sure there's no other girl from Arizona who can do this? What about Emma Stone? She's from there. She's very capable. Remember her in Zombieland? And La La Land? What's with all her movies ending with "land"?
Michael: You're stalling.
Eleanor: Yup. Heading out.

Eleanor: Go ahead, guys. Speak your mind.
Janet: It isn't personal, Eleanor. When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success. After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.1%. So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you are kind of pooching it.
Eleanor: Very helpful feedback. And if I could give you some feedback, uh, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ash-faces, who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box.
Michael: Which curses were those?
Eleanor: I didn't ask for this. I'm only doing it because Michael, who is supposed to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started. But maybe you can do it better than me. Tahani can be in charge since she's so smart. Or better yet, Jason. Maybe all of humanity can be saved with one good, old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival.
Jason: I mean, we could try. All I need is a bouncy house, some ninja stars and a bunch of ambulances.
Eleanor: Well, good luck, fork-faces. I quit. Shellstrop out.

Michael: When I started my experiment, I thought, "Four broken birdbrains who will believe everything I tell them. This will be a breeze." You beat me in three months. "Okay, fine," I thought, "a fluke." You then you beat me 800 more times. Because human beings, it turns out, are weird, and I will never truly understand what it's like to be one. This is a job for a human. One who's tough, but also empathetic and has a big heart, and a world-class bullshirt detector. You think you can't do this? Eleanor, you're the only one who can do this. Like it or not, the only one who can save humanity is a girl from Arizona.
Eleanor: But everything I do blows up in my face. I'm like a hot, blonde Wile E. Coyote.
Michael: That's true. About you making lots of mistakes, not the thing where you sexualized a cartoon. Come on, you know how this works. You fail, and then you try something else, and you fail again and again. And you fail 1,000 times, and you keep trying, because maybe the 1,001st idea might work. Now, I'm gonna go and try to find our 1,001st idea. I hope you'll join me. I hope you shower first and then join me.

Eleanor: So, Chidi, do you remember that woman Simone from the party the other night?
Chidi: Simone... The Third Eye Blind superfan who walked around cutting off people's ponytails?
Eleanor: That's the one. Uh, I need your help, acclimating her to the neighborhood. I've tried, but since she thinks this whole thing is imaginary, and I'm an authority figure, I'm extra suspicious.
Chidi: Well, what makes you think I'd have any more luck?
Eleanor: Chidi, you and Simone... are soulmates.
Chidi: Soulmates? Like our souls are... are...
Eleanor: Mates, yes. Everyone has people that they're cosmically bound to, and the system brings them together in the afterlife. And I can say, with complete certainty, that you and Simone are two such people. [Chidi chuckles] I haven't told her yet. I wouldn't have told you, ordinarily, but since she's gone a little cuckoo bananas... That's the official architect term. Uh, I thought it was prudent to let you know.
Chidi: Whoo, boy, uh... [chuckles] I'm getting a stomachache. But a good one! A happy stomachache! This is new. There are some great writings on simulated realities that might help her adjust. Descartes, Moravec, Zhuang Zhou... I wonder if I can summon a book from my apartment.
Eleanor: Well, good luck.
Chidi: This is incredible. I spent my whole life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe, but I never actually fell in love with someone.
Eleanor: I know.
Chidi: Oh, right. Of course. You know everything about me.
Eleanor: I do indeed.

Brent: Michael! Eleanor!
Eleanor: Brent, I'm so sorry. We don't know why all of this is happening.
Brent: Well, I do. This chaos is clearly all about me. This is the universe telling me that I don't belong here.
Michael: Brent, what do you mean?
Brent: I don't belong in the Good Place. I mean, obviously, there's a place better than this. I belong there, in the Best Place.

Chidi: Hi, Simone. Uh, Chidi. From the other night.
Simone: Oh! Wow. My brain must really like keeping you around. Have a fake seat and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist.
Chidi: Right, um... So, if I understand your state of mind, it's basically solipsism. You think that you're the only real thing in the universe, and everything else stems from your consciousness.
Simone: Yes, but to be fair, I only think that because it's true and I'm right.

Jason: Hey. Hey, Mikey, can I ask you something? I feel bad for making Janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable. So, here's my idea to make it up to her. Me and 100 Janet babies do a giant flash mob, just total unpredictable chaos all around her. Great idea, right?
Michael: Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.
Jason: Mmm-hmm?
Michael: Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the neighborhood, where if I say your name five times, my headache goes away.