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‘The Eternal Shriek’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: The Eternal Shriek

107. The Eternal Shriek

Aired October 20, 2016

As Michael prepares to leave the neighborhood forever, Eleanor looks for a way to stop him, while Tahani plans a retirement party.

Quote from Janet

Eleanor: Ugh, you want a robot killed right, you have to do it yourself.
Janet: Eleanor? Eleanor, no, no, no. Please, wait, wait, wait, wait. Eleanor, I have kids. I have three beautiful children... Tyler, Emma, and little, tiny baby Phillip. Look at Tyler. Tyler has asthma, but he is battling it like a champ. Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them. [growling] Look at them! Look at them!
Eleanor: [yelps] It's so realistic!
Janet: Eleanor, again, I'm not human. This is a stock photo of the crowd at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

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Quote from Michael

Michael: Ugh, I'm sorry I was so grumpy. It's just I'm sad that I have to leave before doing all the human things that I wanted to do. I wanted to get my hair wet. You know, I-I wanted to pull a hamstring. To learn the difference between "toward" and "towards." I wanted to do that thing where you walk down the hallway, and someone else is walking the other way, and then you both lean to one side and then the other, and then you both chuckle over your shared foible. I wanted to get a rewards card, any rewards card. I-I wanted to talk briefly to someone and then say, "Take it sleazy." [chuckles softly] I wanted to eat a saltine.
Tahani: Oh! I actually have some saltines. Here, try this.
Michael: [eats] Pretty dry... and too salty. Well, going out on a real low note here. Okay, bye, everyone.
Tahani: Well, take it sleazy.
Michael: You got to say it?
Tahani: Yes, but then you say it back.
Michael: No, it's not organic.

Quote from Janet

Janet: Here we are. Just press that button, and it's good-bye, Janet. [Chidi groans] Chidi, I can see that you're worried, and I just want to assure you, I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.
Chidi: Ah, thank you. That helps.
Janet: However, I should warn you... I am programmed with a fail-safe measure. As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life. It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real.
Eleanor: Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?
Chidi: Uh, well... I think I have to. Um, being a bystander seems worse, somehow. Okay, here we go.
Janet: Chidi, no, no, no! Chidi, please! Please, please, please don't hurt me. I don't want to die! Please, please...
Chidi: Ah!
Janet: Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier.
Chidi: Your pleading seems so real.
Janet: Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Tahani, I'm so sorry. We need to cancel this party immediately.
Tahani: But why?
Michael: For a being like me, retirement... is not something fun.
Chidi: What is "retirement" for you, exactly?
Michael: Well, I wasn't gonna share this so as not to upset you, but it's, a... [sighs] an extreme form of punishment. We call it "The Eternal Shriek." My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my... my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds.
Tahani: Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely.
Michael: They're not... And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a...
Tahani: Like a pinata.
Michael: Yes, except you have the string around my waist, but instead it will definitely be around my genitals.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: He's gonna be tortured? Dang it. I was almost handed a perfect solution to all my problems without having to work for it at all, and now it's gone. Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?
Chidi: Okay, you have two options. You can confess and save Michael, or you can continue to lie and condemn him to an eternity of unimaginable pain.
Eleanor: Or option C... continue to lie about myself and find a way to save Michael. Can we somehow throw Tahani under the bus? That would be a classic "two birds with one stone" scenario. Plus, I'd get her house. [whispers] Three birds.

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: It doesn't change the fact that we weren't truthful. There's an old Chinese proverb... "Lies are like tigers. They are bad."
Eleanor: That's it?
Chidi: It's more poetic in Mandarin.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: What are you talking about? It is so easy to live with a lie. I once pretended to have a terminal illness to meet Scott Wolf at a Sunglass Hut. Victimless crime.

Quote from Eleanor

Chidi: What did you say to him? Did you make him do this somehow?
Eleanor: Nope, this was entirely his idea. Dude, this is good news. Michael's gonna get a chill retirement, which, frankly, he desperately needs, and I can finally relax. It's forking perfect.
Chidi: No, it's terrible. Michael's wrong. He's not the problem.
Eleanor: Well, Michael did bring me here, which was the mistake that led to all the other problems. So, in that sense, he is the real problem. Ha! How do you like them ethics? I just ethics'd you in the face, Chidi!

Quote from Eleanor

Chidi: Look, Janet has... has learned and grown. She's essentially living a life. We can't kill her.
Eleanor: Not with that attitude, we can't. Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.
Chidi: Uh, no, that's not what that means at all.

Quote from Michael

Chidi: Michael, you can't be the problem.
Michael: Oh, but I am. You see, architects aren't supposed to live in the neighborhoods they design, but I love humans, so I-I wanted to try. I see now that was a mistake. My meddling is the one true constant in all of our disasters. I tried to force Jianyu into opening up, which caused a sinkhole to open up. I kicked a puppy into the Sun, and garbage rained down. I grossly underestimated the number of shrimp needed for the opening-night party, and what flew through the sky the next day, taunting me for my failures? I'm sorry, everyone. I'm truly sorry.

Quote from Janet

Michael: Janet? [Janet appears] Please call a train to escort me into retirement. You see, the only way in and out of a neighborhood is by train, and Janet is the only one who can operate them. Oh, my dear Janet. Will you be okay after I leave?
Janet: Yes. This will not affect me in any way.
Eleanor: Jeez, show some compassion.
Janet: Well, I can't feel sad, but here's my best approximation of human crying. [fake bawling]
Michael: Oh, Janet, that was beautiful.
Janet: Yeah.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Tonight needs to be the perfect blend of celebratory, reverential, bittersweet, upbeat, fun, and effortless. This is #TahaniTime.
Michael: What is all this?
Tahani: Oh, no, Michael, you're not supposed to see it till it's all set up. But, well, welcome to your retirement party. Look, over there, I've even set up a buffet of themed desserts, like retire-mint chocolate cake or, uh, "flan voyage."
Michael: Oh, boy.
Tahani: Oh, and here we have a pinata shaped like you, which is always fun.

Quote from Michael

Tahani: By the way, uh, what's you're favorite color for the tablecloths?
Michael: Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called "pleurigloss."
Tahani: Could you describe it?
Michael: It's the color of... When a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.
Tahani: Hmm. How about blue?

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Oh, Michael, I'm so sorry. I was just trying to honor you. Please, allow me to re-conceive the event.
Michael: Of course.
Tahani: All right, everyone, we're starting over. The key word for tonight is just "somber." Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to get rid of all of the party poppers immediately. [Jason blows a party popper] No, not by using them. No, Jianyu. Done.

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: No, there's no way to stop this except confessing. Any moment now, Michael is going to get on that train, and we will never see him again, just like Professor Lindeman after I asked him to reread my 3,600-page manuscript. He said he was going out for cigarettes, but then he just left his tenured position at the Sorbonne.
Eleanor: Great story.

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