Eleanor: So, in this whole other timeline, Chidi and I said "I love you" to each other. But he doesn't remember any of that happened, so I guess my question is, when is the right time to tell someone you were passionate lovers in an alternate timeline in the afterlife but he doesn't remember because technically none of that happened in this strand of the multi-verse?
Tahani: [sighs]
Eleanor: You know what? I'll just check with Yahoo Answers. I'm sure someone's weighed in.

Chidi: Yeah, I'm pretty excited to relax and have a drink. I mean, saving souls feels great, but Sydney to Budapest to Phoenix to Calgary... I'm so jetlagged, I can't even regrender my chorf. Don't even know what I was trying to say.

Eleanor: Hey guys, having fun? Cool, cool, cool. So, we need to get out of here immediately because this bar is full of demons.
Tahani: Eleanor, just because these people are wearing cheap leather and stone washed denim, they're still part of the Queen's realm. Calling them demons is a bit much.

Michael: What you're doing here, how you're living your life, just so wonderful. But can I maybe give you just a little advice?
Doug Forcett: I know... I should donate more blood. I'll try, but the last time I went down there they said I was so anemic, they ended up giving me blood.
Michael: No, look, look. Um... I've been a reporter for a long time, Doug. Met all sorts of people. Traveled all over this crazy blue marble. Meeting regular folks. Every face tells a story, Doug. Why, I'd say that those so-called regular folks often turn out to be not so regular after all.
Janet: Michael.
Michael: Sorry. The point is, I have never met anyone so dedicated to making other people and snails happy. [Doug chuckles] If what you're saying is true about the afterlife, then you must have earned more than enough points by now. So, loosen up, bud. Have a little fun. Eat something besides lentils.
Doug Forcett: Like radishes?
Michael: No, no, Doug. Dammit. Just have ice cream or chicken parm. Live your life. You know, travel. Drink regular water that wasn't inside you. Okay? Just relax.
Doug Forcett: Thank you, Michael. But no. I can't do any of those things.
Michael: Why not?
Doug Forcett: Because I can't risk it. There's an accountant out there somewhere measuring the value of everything I do. What if I relax and do something that loses me just enough points to keep me out of the Good Place and I'm tortured for eternity? No, I have to make every moment count. It's the only rational way to live. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to walk to Edmonton to give $85 to a snail charity.

Tahani: Twelve years of fencing. En garde. [knocks Chris Baker out] Obviously, I'd never do that in a competition. That would be a three-tenths deduction.

Eleanor: Is it just me or is Janet a straight-up hottie right now?
Chidi: How are you this close to being dragged to Hell and still horny?
Eleanor: I don't know.
Chidi: And how did you know they were demons?
Eleanor: I can't tell you that now! Screw it. What am I waiting for? We could die in the next 30 seconds. So, Michael showed me a memory of our time in the Good Place and you and I were, like, a thing.
Vicky: And... Gotcha! [Eleanor punches Vicky in the face]
Eleanor: Not like a casual, "Hey, I found two loose pills in the bottom of my tote, let's pop 'em and see what's good," kinda thing. We were in love, and there's a real possibility that I'm in love with you again. Here. On this plane of existence. Today. Now. In Canada during this brawl with demons.

Jason: Uh, sorry. No, no, Michael. You're confused. Evidence isn't a good thing that you want. It's a bad thing that you have to destroy or you go to jail.
Michael: Jason, quick, I need that coaster over there behind the pillar.
Jason: You got it, boss.
Michael: I just needed a 30 second break.
Chidi: Yeah.

Eleanor: Okay, a few days ago, Michael showed me something. And I don't know exactly how to say this, but you and I are... Bambadjan.
Chidi: You know, I never thought about it before but yeah, we are kinda Bambadjan.
Eleanor: No, you jetlagged doof. Bambadjan is the name of a demon from the Bad Place who is somehow right over there. Come with me right now.

Doug Forcett: Here we go. Two waters. Let me know if you're not happy with them. I have ice cubes if it's too warm and a Koozie if it's too cold.
Michael: Oh. Well, that has an interesting aftertaste. Is that from a nearby river?
Doug Forcett: Oh, no. Why take fresh water away from the beavers and the fish? No, I have my composting toilet hooked up to a water filtration system. [Michael spits out the water] One man's waste is another man's water. And both men are me. [both laugh]
Michael: Hmm.

Chidi: How do you play pool again? What are the rules?
Jason: That's one of the best things about pool, dawg. There are no rules.
Chidi: I am 100% sure there are.
Jason: Me and my friends play a special Jacksonville style of pool. It's called "Special Jacksonville-style pool." You hit whatever ball you want but you use your hands. And... that's it. Okay, your turn. I got a thousand points. Oh, that's the other rule. You make up your own points.
Chidi: I got five million points.
Jason: Damn, how'd you get so good at this so fast?