Jason: Why don't you want your name on the opera house? I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.

Jason: Yo, yo, homies, check it. There's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other. None of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel. My soul mate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but I think we're in the Bad Place.
Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.

Jason: I can't believe Michael betrayed us again. Why is it always the ones you most expect?

Simone: Jason? You OK there, mate?
Jason: No. I have to watch the Jaguar games alone, on my computer at like three in the morning on Mondays. It's so annoying. Everything here is in a... I don't know how to describe it, like... a different zone of time. No, that sounds stupid. A different clock land.

[flashback:]
Chidi: Jason, I think I need your help. Can I ask you something?
Jason: Cool. No one's ever asked me for advice before, and you're a high school principal.
Chidi: College professor. Who... who told you how to do this? Like, how can you just make a decision this big?
Jason: Chidi, here's the thing with stuff. You can look at a problem from every angle and drive yourself crazy, but sometimes, you just gotta huck a Molotov cocktail at a drone and see what happens.
Chidi: Is what happens that the drone blows up?
Jason: Usually. I mean, where I'm from, most things blow up eventually, so I learned that when something dope comes along, you gotta lock it down. If you're always frozen in fear and taking too long to think about what to do, you'll miss your opportunity and maybe get sucked into the propeller of a swamp boat.

Chidi: Michael, what do we do here?
Michael: I don't know. Apparently, the Bad Place knows that one of you actually belongs down there with them, and they want that person to get inside the obelisk, or they're gonna take all of you.
Jason: I can't go. I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.

Tahani: Jianyu, my love. How are you?
Jason: [looks at Magic 8-Ball] I am decidedly so.
Tahani: That's very profound.
Tahani: Um, soul mate... an idea. Our neighborhood now features a spa, and it offers couples packages. And I thought maybe we could get facials and do yoga and talk in long, discursive sentences. What do you say?
Jason: [looks down] Signs point to yes.
Tahani: Oh! Marvelous. We'll go today.

Jason: Dude, you got to come with us to the spa.
Chidi: No way. No, that's really weird. You can't make small talk with her for one day without being caught?
Jason: No, I can't, and she freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King. You got to help me.

Jason: What do you guys think the Bad Place is going to be for you? I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert. And I'll be waiting for the bass drop, and it... [weeps] it'll never come.

Jason: Oh, Mrs. Teacher... for my turn, is there any way to get like... extra radiation?
Simone: There is no radiation in an MRI. But why do you ask?
Jason: Uh, no reason.
Eleanor: Jason, what have you got in your hand there, bud?
Jason: Nothing.
Eleanor: Is it a spider?
Jason: Yes.
Eleanor: Do you think taking a spider in an MRI machine will give you super powers?
Jason: Hey, it might work. He already bit me a bunch of times and gave me the power to swell up my hand!