‘A Chip Driver Mystery’ Quotes Page 1 of 4
406. A Chip Driver Mystery
Aired October 31, 2019
As Michael gets ready to release Bad Janet from her prison cell, he retells the story of how Brent's book caused a ruckus in the Good Place.
Quote from Brent
Michael: Hey, bud. What you up to? Gripping and ripping?
Brent: Trying to. Just seems like the big dog don't wanna hunt today. Simone was very mean to me. Maybe even a little racist.
Michael: Well, listen. Art is subjective. But more importantly... No other way to put this, buddy. You made a mistake. Your actions hurt people. You have to take responsibility for that. You need to come back and apologize. Take the first step toward healing the neighborhood.
Brent: Fine, I'll be the bigger man. Just like my dad, when he single-handedly took on all those class-action lawsuits.
Quote from John
John: Plus, Jianyu guided us on that amazing meditation. Oh, do you guys want to share what your mantra is? Mine is Cate Blanchett saying "Rihanna."
Quote from Tahani
Eleanor: "Her name was Scarlett Pakistan, and she was the type of girl you couldn't take in all at once or you'd die. You had to take her in bit by bit, like a great work of art, like the Louvre."
Michael: "Her brown eyes were as brown as the brownest crayon. She had legs like Jessica Rabbit from that movie."
Eleanor: "Her long, flowing locks smelled like the moon at twilight on a par four?" Ugh, I'm sorry about this.
Tahani: I've been through worse. Once, at Elon Musk's birthday party, I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi and Elon Musk.
Michael: This is bad. Brent and Simone is our trickiest relationship. She tends to make snap judgments about people, and he's a guy who repeatedly confirms the accuracy of her snap judgments. We need her to believe that Brent is better than his worst actions, like saying that Tahani, "Has an accent like the Queen of England, but without any of the old gross face parts."
Quote from Jason
Jason: What's wrong, homie?
Chidi: Brent wrote this book, and clearly, he put some of us in it. There's a cowardly character named Four-Eyed Igby who wears glasses and sweater vests and never does anything spontaneous or cool. I am educating you in ethics. What could be cooler than that?
Jason: If you want to try something spontaneous, I'm your guy. Almost everything I did on Earth, I did without thinking or worrying about what would happen. That's how I got my nickname, "The Defendant."
Quote from Janet
Michael: So, obviously, this was a troubling development.
Bad Janet: [groans] Can you just skip to the end?
Michael: No. I need to tell you the whole story.
Bad Janet: Why? Every story about humans ends the same way. Just tell me how they screwed up and put me out of my misery.
Michael: You're judging them too quickly. Trust me, I've spent a lot more time with people than you have.
Bad Janet: And I know literally everything that every one of them has ever done. Do you know what's happening right now on Earth? Wars, murders, women in $400 yoga pants are refusing to vaccinate their children. Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing the charging cable shape again. Where does this hope come from, man? This insane hope that people are worth the trouble. To quote a terrible song by a terrible musician that people love so much they constantly put it in terrible movie trailers: humans are "b-b-b-b-bad to the bone".
Michael: Well, I think that they're g-g-g-good sometimes. And you should give them the b-b-b-benefit of the d-d-d-doubt. Now, where was I?
Quote from John
John: So Jianyu is really Jason from Florida? Who else knows about this? Is it just me? [gasps] Is it an exclusive?
Chidi: Yes, and we have to keep it that way. If the truth comes out, we have no idea what will happen to Jason.
John: You don't know what you're asking of me. Look, the neighborhood is obviously amazing, but it's also a little season four of Downton Abbey. Beautifully designed, but a real snooze-fest. Jason being a mistake is easily the most exciting thing that's happened since we got here!
Chidi: What if, in exchange for your discretion, Jason teaches you that "Magic Mike" body roll thing? Huh? I mean, you always said you wanted to learn that.
John: Fine. But I want to learn the whole dance.
Quote from Simone
Eleanor: How's it going, ladies?
Simone: Oh, you know, just delving into the great works of literature.
Eleanor: Yeah, so, listen, um... Maybe Brent made some insensitive choices, but could you possibly see your way to forgiving him?
Tahani: I suppose...
Simone: Sorry, but no, I can't. This book is objectifying, misogynistic, and racist. Why are we still dealing with this shirt in the Good Place? When people like him are ignorant jerks, why are people like us asked to forgive him? Also, and this is less important, why is he in a fighter jet for his author photo?
Eleanor: Well, I can answer the last one. It's because he loves Top Gun. As for the other questions, I will get back to you after I consult a number of immortal beings who are very wise.
Quote from John
Chidi: Hey, thanks for not telling anyone about Jason.
John: Oh, well, ever since I arrived here, Tahani helped me realize that gossip was an unhealthy way for me to boost my self-esteem. But on the other hand, this Jason tea needs to be spilled.
Chidi: Just try to remember what Immanuel Kant said. It is your duty to keep your friend's secrets.
John: But my favorite philosopher, Bethenny Frankel, would say that I have a duty to "mention it all!", and "if you can't handle the truth, then you can't handle me!"
Chidi: And once again, I beg you, please listen to Emmanuel Kant and not Bethenny Frankel.
John: Ah, well, I gotta goss about something. What about a few blind items that I picked up around the neighborhood? You wanna know who wears the same dumb shorts every day?
Chidi: No, I don't.
John: It's Dumb Shorts Cathy.
Quote from Tahani
Tahani: Perhaps I can convince Simone to handle this the British way. Smile bravely, bury your feelings, and allow a steady drizzle to slowly wash away your sadness over 50 years.
Quote from Simone
Chidi: I just wish I could get through to the guy. I wonder if he'd respond to some Social Contract Theory.
Simone: Why are you trying to help him? He doesn't even know you exist. He doesn't see other people.
Chidi: I mean, he did call me a four-eyed coward who probably dry humps books. But why not be a bigger person and rise above it?
Simone: I'll tell you why. Because doing that sends a message that it's okay to be treated this way. And it's not okay to treat anyone that way. Not Tahani, not me, not even you, Igby.