Val: Relax, Mike. This will all be over soon, and we can all head down to the Museum.
Michael: The Museum?
Shawn: Yes. Your neighborhood... Our neighborhood is being immortalized for its success. It's all going to work out. I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason. I can only fail up.

Michael: What's all this?
Shawn: Well, I was going to try to get the humans back by going through the proper channels, but then I remembered, I'm a naughty bitch. [all chuckle] So I sent a black ops team to Mindy's to extract them.
Michael: Nobody from the Bad Place is allowed in Mindy's neighborhood. You can't do that, Shawn. It's... It's illegal!
Shawn: Oh, no. Guys, Michael says this is illegal. I hadn't thought of that. [all laughing] That was sarcasm. I had thought of that.

Eleanor: You all right there, chief? You look like you lost your lucky bookmark or something.
Chidi: Oh, no. Did I? [chuckles] It's fine. Got it right here. It's just that now that we're actually on the train, heading to Bad Place Headquarters, this plan is starting to feel slightly... completely insane. This is the only way to get to the Judge?
Michael: I'm afraid so, yes. See the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. There's also an IHOP.
Jason: Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity!
Michael: No. Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes." You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
Jason: Okay. I'll get eggs, then.

Michael: I had Janet make you each a Bad Place disguise. And everyone who worked in the neighborhood has been sent back to their previous department. So the chances of you being recognized are very small.
Jason: I don't know. This plan seems complicated.
Eleanor: To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
Jason: They don't make sense. Apples, you eat their clothes. But oranges you don't?
Jason: Forget this plan! I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail and... run through the portal.
Chidi: I think we should go with Michael's plan.
Jason: I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Any time I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.
Eleanor: He makes a strong case.

Eleanor: Son of a bitch! Still happy I can swear now, but everything else about this is very bad!

Tahani: [American accent] Come on, Diana, let's hit the bar. I'm gonna get me a tall glass of piping hot corn syrup and a scooter, so I can roll around the mall.
Eleanor: That's really good.
Tahani: Thank you.

Eleanor: Damn, you're good at this.
Tahani: Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough, and you become pretty good at lying. Like, "No, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all."

Eleanor: What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? Like Jonathan Dancy says.
Chidi: Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?
Eleanor: [scoffs] You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun? Look. Moral particularism says there are no fixed rules that work in every situation. Like, let's say you promised your friend you'd go to the movies. But then your mom suddenly gets rushed to the ER. Your boy Kant would say never break a promise. Go see Chronicles of Riddick." Doesn't matter if your mom gets lonely and steals a bucket of Vicodin from the nurse's closet.
Chidi: Real example?
Eleanor: Yep! But a moral particularist like me... I'm one now; I just decided... would say there's no absolute rule. You have to choose your actions based on the particular situation and right now, we are in a pretty bonkers situation.
Chidi: I don't think I can change what I believe just like that!
Eleanor: And I didn't think I would ever be at a cocktail party in literal Hell, lecturing my teacher/ex-lover about moral particularism, but life throws you curveballs, bro! And need I remind you it was doing things your way that made you end up here.

Bertram Varmin: This game-changing experiment chose four humans and had them torture each other. It's already led to major breakthroughs in the future of our industry. Now, obviously, we couldn't get the actual four idiots as they're off being tortured, so we cooked up the next best thing. Want to meet them?
All: Yes!
Tahani: [animatronic figure] I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion, which I've been to, by the way.
Tahani: I have, actually. It's remarkable.
Tahani: [animatronic figure] It's remarkable!

Chidi: [animatronic figure] I'm Chidi Anagonye, or maybe I'm not. I can't decide anything. Or maybe I can. Aww. I can't decide. My stomach hurts. [audience laughing]
Eleanor: What? They kind of nailed it. I've heard you say all that stuff.