Michael: Hey, guys.
Tahani: [gasps] Michael, you frightened me. Jason's making me watch this horror film about two ex-convicts who try to rob and murder a neglected child. [Home Alone plays]

Michael: Hey, I've got some great news. I've arranged for you to have a weekend getaway. I bet you're tired of being cooped up in this house, aren't you?
Tahani: I am a bit, actually. All this time indoors has degraded my skin from radiant to merely dewy. Me? Dewy?

Tahani: I hereby pronounce you King Jason.
Jason: Dope. Where did you learn how to do this?
Tahani: The Hertfordshire Academy for Expressionless Girls. It was a finishing school I attended before Oxford, and then, of course, the Sorbonne. Do you know what, I don't think I ever asked you were educated.
Jason: I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.
Tahani: Didn't you get seasick?
Jason: No, sorry... they were tied together in a junk yard. It wasn't a very good school. For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.
Tahani: You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is... deeply disturbing. And yet, I envy you. I was never allowed to goof off. Never even had a friend I could just be myself around.
Jason: Maybe I can be that friend. Or your husband.
Tahani: [chuckles] Okay, stop it.
Jason: No, no, no, I'm serious. Will you marry me?

Jason: Tahani, you're so smart. Every day you teach me something new about... art... and history... and why you shouldn't eat everything that smells good because sometimes, it's candles. You're basically, like, a hot genius teacher who sometime has sex with me, your student. That used to happen a lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School, but this time you won't be arrested. Oh, I love you, Tahani. Braap, braap, braap! Pew! Pew!

Tahani: Jason... I'd never guess we would be where we are today, me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs set to marry you, a swamp dweller who once asked me if the Presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side. We don't make any sense together, and yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down, metaphorically speaking of course, because I'd never have it up in the first place. [chuckles] I'm not a factory worker. But you've helped me to see that there is more to life than just appearances, and I can't believe I'm about to say this but... I think I love...

Michael: I designed this entire torture chamber around the absolutely certainty that when the going got tough, you would give up. That was the signature Shellstrop move. Do you remember once when your change oil light came on? You just abandoned your car in a parking garage.
Eleanor: Of course.
Michael: But here, faced with the toughest challenges I could throw at you, you never once stopped trying to become a better person. And I just... Why?
Eleanor: I don't know. I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn't pay for that," or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store. That's not cool." Or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, and he fell down. Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives."
Michael: I get it.
Eleanor: This ethics stuff, it's hard, and it's confusing. It is such a buzzkill. But, it does get rid of the little voice. Because at least I'm trying to do the right thing instead of the crappy thing, and I've got to say, man, I don't miss the little voice.

Michael: [enters] Hey guys, whatcha doing? Nothing? Great. So, Chidi, just wanted to double check. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?
Chidi: It's frowned upon.
Michael: Okay. What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?

Derek: I don't understand what you even like about Jason. What does he have that I don't have?
Janet: A soul... and genitals.
Derek: [groans] Here we go with this whole "no genitals" thing again. You're the one that gave me wind chimes instead of a penis, Janet.
Janet: This isn't about your wind-chime penis. In fact, it's not about you at all. I don't even know what it is about which is very confusing because the whole point of me is that I know everything!

Janet: You know, you seem so sad. Do you want me to make you a boyfriend too?
Derek: Ooh, I could have a brother?
Janet: Yes! Based on your last 10,000 comments, it would be Stone Cold Steve Austin's head on Tahani's body.
Eleanor: Or vice versa.

Eleanor: All right, all right. I hate the be the bearer of bad news...
Jason: Uh, I think you mean "Bad News Bear."