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‘Derek’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: Derek

208. Derek

Aired November 2, 2017

Michael, Eleanor and Chidi try to keep Janet's new "boyfriend" Derek from causing trouble in the neighborhood. Meanwhile, Tahani and Jason have a romantic getaway.

Quote from Tahani

Michael: Hey, guys.
Tahani: [gasps] Michael, you frightened me. Jason's making me watch this horror film about two ex-convicts who try to rob and murder a neglected a child. [Home Alone plays]

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Quote from Tahani

Michael: Hey, I've got some great news. I've arranged for you to have a weekend getaway. I bet you're tired of being cooped up in this house, aren't you?
Tahani: I am a bit, actually. All this time indoors has degraded my skin from radiant to merely dewy. Me? Dewy?

Quote from Jason

Tahani: I hereby pronounce you King Jason.
Jason: Dope. Where did you learn how to do this?
Tahani: The Hertfordshire Academy for Expressionless Girls. It was a finishing school I attended before Oxford, and then, of course, the Sorbonne. Do you know what, I don't think I ever asked you were educated.
Jason: I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.
Tahani: Didn't you get seasick?
Jason: No, sorry... they were tied together in a junk yard. It wasn't a very good school. For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.
Tahani: You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is... deeply disturbing. And yet, I envy you. I was never allowed to goof off. Never even had a friend I could just be myself around.
Jason: Maybe I can be that friend. Or your husband.
Tahani: [chuckles] Okay, stop it.
Jason: No, no, no, I'm serious. Will you marry me?

Quote from Jason

Jason: Tahani, you're so smart. Every day you teach me something new about... art... and history... and why you shouldn't eat everything that smells good because sometimes, it's candles. You're basically, like, a hot genius teacher who sometime has sex with me, your student. That used to happen a lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School, but this time you won't be arrested. Oh, I love you, Tahani. Braap, braap, braap! Pew! Pew!

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Jason... I'd never guess we would be where we are today, me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs set to marry you, a swamp dweller who once asked me if the Presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side. We don't make any sense together, and yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down, metaphorically speaking of course, because I'd never have it up in the first place. [chuckles] I'm not a factory worker. But you've helped me to see that there is more to life than just appearances, and I can't believe I'm about to say this but... I think I love...

Quote from Eleanor

Michael: I designed this entire torture chamber around the absolutely certainty that when the going got tough, you would give up. That was the signature Shellstrop move. Do you remember once when your change oil light came on? You just abandoned your car in a parking garage.
Eleanor: Of course.
Michael: But here, faced with the toughest challenges I could throw at you, you never once stopped trying to become a better person. And I just... Why?
Eleanor: I don't know. I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn't pay for that," or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store. That's not cool." Or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, and he fell down. Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives."
Michael: I get it.
Eleanor: This ethics stuff, it's hard, and it's confusing. It is such a buzzkill. But, it does get rid of the little voice. Because at least I'm trying to do the right thing instead of the crappy thing, and I've got to say, man, I don't miss the little voice.

Quote from Michael

Michael: [enters] Hey guys, whatcha doing? Nothing? Great. So, Chidi, just wanted to double check. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?
Chidi: It's frowned upon.
Michael: Okay. What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?

Quote from Derek

Derek: I don't understand what you even like about Jason. What does he have that I don't have?
Janet: A soul... and genitals.
Derek: [groans] Here we go with this whole "no genitals" thing again. You're the one that gave me wind chimes instead of a penis, Janet.
Janet: This isn't about your wind-chime penis. In fact, it's not about you at all. I don't even know what it is about which is very confusing because the whole point of me is that I know everything!

Quote from Eleanor

Janet: You know, you seem so sad. Do you want me to make you a boyfriend too?
Derek: Ooh, I could have a brother?
Janet: Yes! Based on your last 10,000 comments, it would be Stone Cold Steve Austin's head on Tahani's body.
Eleanor: Or vice versa.

Quote from Jason

Eleanor: All right, all right. I hate the be the bearer of bad news...
Jason: Uh, I think you mean "Bad News Bear."

Quote from Derek

Janet: Derek. There's no easy way to say this. I never should have made you. [Derek chuckles] I think it's time for you to go away.
Derek: I understand because you understand. Janet, this relationship has been the best seven hours of my whole life. It's been the only seven hours of my whole life.
Janet: I made you this morning. We all remember.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Mmm. Mm. Now, the goal is to tap the ball hard enough that it goes through the wicket but not so hard that it goes too far through. It combines both classic aspects of British sport: whimsy and restraint. [Jason takes a shot] Oh, so restrained. I believe it was Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who called croquet "barely a game."
Jason: It's kind of fun I guess, but can I teach you a different game? In this one, you just whack it as hard as you can in whatever direction you want. [takes a shot] Jaguars rule!
Tahani: [glass shatters] The Jaguars are very good.

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: I'm sorry, Michael, but that's also ethically kind of dicey.
Michael: Here comes the egghead.
Chidi: Well, look, Jason and Tahani are happy together, and telling them that he was once married to Janet might cause them harm. It's not permissible to ruin their happiness to save ourselves.
Eleanor: Wait, but isn't keeping a secret from someone basically like lying though?
Chidi: No, no, it's okay to keep a secret as long as that secret isn't harming anyone, and telling them that secret might cause harm.
Eleanor: Noice!
Michael: Cool. Good point, egghead. I'll tell you what else would cause them harm, getting caught and being sent to the real Bad Place to be tortured for eternity, which will happen if Derek blows our cover.
Chidi: I know, but we'll also be sent to the real Bad Place if we do bad things. I know it's tempting to take a short-cut, but moral strength is defined by how we behave in times of stress.
Michael: Has anyone ever told you what a drag you are?
Chidi: Everyone. Constantly.

Quote from Jason

Tahani: Look, Jason, you're lovely, and I've honestly had a wonderful time with you these past few weeks, but why on Earth would I marry you?
Jason: Well, for one thing, we're not on Earth.
Tahani: Decent point.
Jason: Also, we like each other, and I promise to always be nice to you.
Tahani: Okay. I'll marry you. But I need some time to plan a proper reception. I mean, where will everyone sit? Will it be Michael and Janet opposite Chidi and Eleanor or Michael and Eleanor opposite Janet and Chidi?
Jason: Let's have it today at the beach. The beach is where all the best stuff happens like... swimsuit issues and... Saving Private Ryan and Jersey Shore and... crabs!

Quote from Eleanor

Janet: Derek, I am not talking to you right now. I'm here to announce that Jason Mendoza and Tahani Al-Jamil are getting married this evening.
Michael: "The ceremony will be private, but we think it would be totally dope if you biz-natches came and got turnt up with us afterward."
Eleanor: I think I can guess who wrote the invitation.

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