Tahani: Poor Larry. But... "If you love someone, set them free." My good friend and yoga pupil Sting, no last initial, told me that.

Tahani: Well... I suppose a little entrepreneurial spirit never hurt anyone. You know, "Reach for the stars," as I said to my good friend Elon Musk. And then he shot his car into space. What a weird creep. Why was I friends with him?

Chidi: So, I just have to be simple, honest, and declarative and somehow still protect her feelings.
Eleanor: I don't know, man. Maybe just tell her that you're gay.
Chidi: I'm not gay.
Eleanor: Fine, bi.
Chidi: I'm not bi either.
Eleanor: Why not? More guys should be bi. It's 2018. It's like, get over yourselves!

Janet: This program knows everything about your personality Simone's personality, and all human relationships. It can't tell you exactly what will happen, but it will approximate Simone's reaction to anything you say to her. Plus... it has Tetris.
Eleanor: Hmm. Would this work with, say, me, and, say, uh, Jason Statham, and uh, instead of a cafe, it was, say, a room with a futon and a bunch of Red Bull?
Janet: Why is it that every time a new thing is invented humans immediately try to use it for porn?
Eleanor: Because we're disgusting.
Janet: Huh.

Eleanor: Janet, can I use the simulator? There's a very specific Lenny Kravitz concert I wanna be front row at.
Janet: Sure. FYI, when the system boots up, you might find yourself in a steam room with Jason, who will be wearing an old-timey strongman onesie. It's a... bug in the system.

Jason: I can't wait to show you guys all the cool sights in Jacksonville. Like, that swamp is where me, Pillboi and Donkey Doug used to stand and try and blind pilots with laser pointers. And, oh...
Michael: Yeah, maybe we should do the tour after we, you know, save your father's soul.
Tahani: Oh, I've been meaning to ask, why are you trying to save your father? I've heard you mention your friend Pillboi many times but you've not mentioned your father once.
Jason: What do you mean? I talk about Donkey Doug all the time.
Tahani: I'm sorry. The man you call "Donkey Doug" is your father?
Jason: Yeah.
Tahani: The "Donkey Doug" with whom you tried to blind airline pilots with laser pointers?
Jason: Yeah.
Tahani: The "Donkey Doug" who is banned from Disney World for biting Buzz Lightyear?
Jason: In his defence, he thought it was someone else.
Tahani: Who?

Eleanor: Okay, settle down. Your moral code means you can't lie, right? You need to just ghost her. Disappear, block her number. Bonus, anything she left in your apartment now legally belongs to you. I've done that to dozens of people, and all of them got over it.
Janet: Actually, none of your exes have ever gotten over you.
Eleanor: You're damn right they didn't.

Chidi: I just wish I could end things in a way that I knew wouldn't hurt her.
Janet: Bing! I usually appear out of thin air and there would be a pleasant bing sound, but I don't have my powers so I'm doing my own bings now. Bing! Chidi, what if I could create a virtual reality simulation where you could practice different break-up scenarios?
Chidi: You can do that?
Janet: I think so. I do know everything about you, and Simone, and computer programming, and virtual reality, and artificial intelligence, and the human brain and everything else. I'm kind of a nerd. I'll start building the simulator now. Bing! [chuckles] Don't... Turn around. It's embarrassing. Bing! [walks out of the room]

Michael: So, Donkey Doug, Jason told us about your electrician licence, and we have a career opportunity for you.
Donkey Doug: Yo. Later for that. I got a business proposition for you. Pillboi.
Pillboi: Oh, dip, Jason.
Jason: Oh, dip, Pillboi.
Donkey Doug: Oh, dip, Pillboi.
Pillboi: Oh, dip, Donkey Doug.
Michael: This is remarkable.
Tahani: It explains so much.

[virtual reality:]
Chidi: I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm dying.
Simone: No, you're not.
Chidi: Yes, I am. Because we're all dying, slowly, when you think about it. We start dying the moment we're born, so, not a lie. [snaps fingers]
Chidi: OK, here it is. I'm just going to be perfectly honest. My real name is Special Agent Rick Justice, FBI. Nope. [snaps fingers] [snaps fingers] [snaps fingers] Simone, the last year has been truly amazing. And with that in mind... [Simone gasps] Will you marry me?
Simone: Yes! Yes, of course I will! Oh! [people applaud]
Chidi: Wait, what-what am I doing? Why did I think this would work?
Janet: [v.o.] Chidi, I'm gonna go ahead and reboot this one myself.
Chidi: Yeah, good call.