103. Tahani Al-Jamil
Aired September 22, 2016
Eleanor spends time with Tahani to try prove she sent her the threatening note. Meanwhile, Janet fills in as Michael's assistant, while he tries to find Chidi a new hobby.
Quote from Janet
Michael: This is the perfect hobby for you, Chidi. Cartography. Your neighborhood stretches way beyond what you've already seen. And you can map it, revealing all of the mysteries, like an explorer.
Chidi: I see how that might be fun. Uh, but, uh, exploring makes me nervous. I have what doctor's call "directional insanity." I once got lost on an escalator. So not exactly Christopher Columbus.
Janet: Fun fact: Columbus is in the Bad Place because of all the raping, slave trade, and genocide.
Michael: The fact that it makes you nervous is exactly why you should do it. You know, get out of your comfort zone. Become a trail-blazer.
Janet: Fun fact: all deceased members of the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team are also in the Bad Place. [giggles]
Michael: Yeah, sorry about this. I steered her away from colloquialisms and into "fun facts" and trivia tidbits. I thought it'd be more in her wheelhouse.
Janet: Fun fact: a "wheelhouse" is a part of a boat.
Michael: Okay, thank you, Janet, thank you.
Janet: Fun fact: Janet is me.
Quote from Tahani
Tahani: So all I want to do is just check in, see how everyone's holding up. Just bring some cheer to these extraordinary people.
Eleanor: Cool. So tell me about yourself. I mean, I want to hear it all, girlfriend. The good, the bad, the really bad, the embarrassing, the humiliating, just... Let's bond!
Tahani: Okay, well I was born in Pakistan, raised in London, schooled in Paris, but I think the primary reason that I'm in the Good Place is that I raised quite a lot of money for non-profit groups.
Eleanor: Oh. Did you ever, uh, skim a little off the top for yourself?
Tahani: Gracious, no, no! No, every penny was accounted for. And as I raised nearly $60 billion, there was quite a lot of pennies. [Eleanor chuckles] But I also dabbled in some other professions. I was a model, a museum curator, an "It Girl," and... oh, I was Baz Luhrmann's muse for a while. That was quite fun.
Eleanor: Modeling? That's a crazy life. Want to tell me about that rock bottom you probably hit?
Tahani: Oh, I didn't really do it for long. Couture just doesn't fit my body. I'm cursed with ample bosom.
Eleanor: And yet you soldier on.
Tahani: Oh, this is silly. So "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name altogether means...
Eleanor: "Congratulations, Beautiful."
Tahani: Thanks, Eleanor. [giggles] You big flirt.
Quote from Jason
Eleanor: [to herself] Relax, Eleanor. You sent this to yourself. This is your own guilt manifesting itself.
Jason: I've been waiting for you.
Eleanor: Jianyu? You talk now? You sent me these threatening notes? What the fork, man? Some Buddhist monk you are.
Jason: You don't belong here. Admit it.
Eleanor: Okay, you're right. I don't belong here. Michael made a mistake. But I'm trying, dude. I'm really trying to be a good person. And I think I'm changing for the better, so just please, please don't rat me out.
Jason: Don't worry, I won't. [Eleanor sighs] Because I'm not supposed to be here, either. I don't know how I got here, I have no idea what's going on, and I am freakin' out, homey! You got to help me. I'm scared!
Quote from Janet
Tahani: Eleanor, hello. How are you, my dear, sweet bestie?
Eleanor: Never better. What's up?
Michael: Well, Janet has been acting as my assistant. It's not what she was designed to do. Didn't go great.
Janet: But now I'm back to normal. It turns out that the best Janet was the Janet that was inside Janet all along.
Michael: She was feeling a little lost, so I gave her a self-help book to restore her confidence.
Janet: Now I'm living my truth and creating my bliss.
Quote from Chidi
Chidi: So Aristotle was Plato's student. And Aristotle believes that your character is voluntary, because it's just the result of your actions, which are under your control. For example, right now, you have made the insane choice to ignore the person who is literally trying to save you from eternal damnation.
Eleanor: No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm listening. Uh, I just... are we sure we should be paying attention to these guys? It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
Quote from Janet
Michael: Hello, Chidi. No frozen yogurt for you this morning?
Chidi: Oh, uh, no, just, uh, doing some reading.
Janet: Ugh, been there, brother. Workin' hard or hardly workin', am I right? Hump day.
Michael: Uh, sorry. Janet's functioning as my assistant, but she's a little stiff, so I've been trying to get her to be a little more casual and conversational.
Janet: I'll have what she's having.
Michael: It's a work in progress.
Quote from Janet
Michael: Look, Chidi, I'm just trying to find you a hobby - the hat - that will bring you a positive experience. What do you say?
Janet: [puts a fedora on Chidi] I'm loving that hat on you. It would look even better on my floor.
Chidi: What is happening now?
Michael: I suggested she be friendlier; she seems to have slipped right into overt sexuality.
Janet: I got something you can slip into.
Michael: Janet, no! No, Janet.
Quote from Chidi
Michael: Listen, Chidi. I've been studying your file. You're a very interesting case. You essentially only did one thing while you were on earth. You thought and wrote about ethics.
Chidi: Yes, I... I spent 18 years working on my manuscript called "Who We Are and Who We Are Not..."
Michael: No, no, no....
Chidi: " - Practical Ethics and Their Application in the Modern World; A Treatise..."
Michael: Yes, yes, yes, that's the one. That's the one.
Quote from Michael
Chidi: I want to broaden my horizons and try new things, and I will. But even though I might have gotten lost in the weeds, I loved writing this book. And I want to try again. So... will you be my advisor?
Michael: Chidi, all I want is for you to be happy. So if spending eternity getting blunt feedback on your circular, rambling ideas will make you happy, then of course I will be your advisor. Let's throw that monstrosity in the trash and start over.
Chidi: Aren't there maybe some parts worth salvaging?
Michael: Honestly, man, I don't even know. I mean, that thing is unreadable. I literally learned what headaches were because that thing gave me a headache.
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor: Ugh. Tahani. [British accent] Welcome to the neighborhood. Even though we all arrived here at the same time, here's some dirt I put in a bowl because I'm amazing.
Chidi: I thought it was kind of a nice gesture.
Eleanor: [normal voice] Oh, Chidi. It's a total con. I see through her little act.
Chidi: Her act of being a nice person who brings you gifts?
Chidi: Okay. I'll... I'll remind you that you're trying to learn how to be a good person. Maybe you should return the favor and bring her something.
Eleanor: Oh, so now I'm supposed to be nice and make friends and treat her with mutual respect?
Eleanor: That exactly what she wants me to do, Chidi, wake up!
Chidi: That... That's what everyone wants everyone to do.