Shawn Quotes Page 1 of 6    

Quote from Mindy St. Claire

Shawn: Thank you for these testimonials. A ruling has been reached. [everyone gathers] Oh, you want to hear it. I forgot how needy humans are. [clears throat] Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person. The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth. She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
Michael: Oh!
Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.


Quote from Michael's Gambit

Shawn: Do you remember what I told you when you predicted you could do this for 1,000 years?
Michael: The time has come to innovate. The human afterlife can be more fun. For us, obviously, not for the people we're torturing. Who cares about those dummies? [laughs] I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment. Four people, perfectly suited to make each other miserable. I'm going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.
Shawn: We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.

Quote from Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent

Val: Relax, Mike. This will all be over soon, and we can all head down to the Museum.
Michael: The Museum?
Shawn: Yes. Your neighborhood... Our neighborhood is being immortalized for its success. It's all going to work out. I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason. I can only fail up.

Quote from The Funeral to End All Funerals

Shawn: Face it, Michael. You lost. Everything you've done, this experiment, the original neighborhood, sending your little cockroach buddies back to Earth, all of it was for nothing. Bam. You're glue.
Michael: Actually, Shawn, that's a very interesting point.
Shawn: Exactly. What?
Michael: Matt, call up the active files of four people still alive on Earth, Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop, and her stepdaughter Patricia, and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi.
Shawn: They were not part of the experiment. If he gets to bring in random good people into it, I should be able to bring in random bad people. Call up Elizabeth Holmes. No, Henry Kissinger. No... PewDiePie.

Quote from Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent

Michael: What's all this?
Shawn: Well, I was going to try to get the humans back by going through the proper channels, but then I remembered, I'm a naughty bitch. [all chuckle] So I sent a black ops team to Mindy's to extract them.
Michael: Nobody from the Bad Place is allowed in Mindy's neighborhood. You can't do that, Shawn. It's... It's illegal!
Shawn: Oh, no. Guys, Michael says this is illegal. I hadn't thought of that. [all laughing] That was sarcasm. I had thought of that.

Quote from Employee of the Bearimy

Shawn: What in the name of Kevin Spacey's self-made Christmas Eve video message to try to get back on House of Cards is going on here?

Quote from Leap to Faith

Shawn: Hello, Michael. Shut the door. Have a seat. When you proposed this new form of torture, we all laughed behind your back. Some people called you names, like "the Thomas Edison of incompetence," or "that dick." But against all odds, it seems you've pulled it off. What you've done here is truly amazing.
Michael: Really?
Shawn: Yes, these reports are remarkable. Your humans are experiencing emotional torture at the same level of physical torture created by our squiggliest eyeball corkscrews. I'm jubilant. As a result of our success, I'm getting a seat on the High Council. We will greatly expand our neighborhood idea, and you will oversee the entire project. You are being promoted. Your Senior Staff pin. Congratulations. This is everything you've ever wanted.
Michael: No, this is everything I've ever wanted. Oh! This is everything I've ever wanted. Oh, wow! You're really happy?
Shawn: Can't you tell? I'm basically squealing like a birthday girl.

Quote from Leap to Faith

Michael: I'd like to start by saying something I've wanted to say for a very long time. Surprise, idiots! You're all in the Bad Place. [Michael & Shawn laugh] That's right, nerds. Everything around you, all you can see, is an elaborate system of torture designed just for you.
Eleanor: Sorry, we're in the Bad Place?
Tahani: Why are you revealing this now?
Michael: Well, it was an experiment, and it worked, so my boss is promoting me. Sorry, I should've introduced you. This is my boss, Shawn.
Shawn: Hello, imbeciles. We need to study everything that happened here. There was a first version that collapsed, but the second has been a huge success. We'll be shutting this place down. The four of you will be brought to the real Bad Pace, where your brains will be removed, studied, and batted around a stadium like beach balls. Your arms will be peeled like bananas. That part's just for fun...
Michael: Right.
Shawn: And then you will be, you know, tortured forever.

Quote from Chidi Sees the Time-Knife

Shawn: [appears] And then Turtle makes a bet with Ronda Rousey, and if she loses, she has to... Oh, come on. I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing the plot to the Entourage movie.

Quote from You've Changed, Man

Shawn: Wait. I'm gonna do the evil speech now.
Michael: If you want.
Shawn: [clears throat] Since the dawn of time, good and evil have waged a furious battle, stemming from...
This feels stupid if you're not gonna fight back. How do you not have another plan? You've always had another plan.
Michael: What's wrong, Shawn?
Shawn: Okay, fine. You're gonna make me admit it. Fighting you is the most fun I've ever had. I mean, you know. You corkscrew your first eyeball, and you're like, "Man, I can't believe they're paying me to do this." By the trillionth, it's like... I should've just been a teacher. And then you go and get the warm fuzzies about your little humans, and something... Something changed. I was having fun again. I'm not sure I'm ready for that to end.
Michael: I know, buddy. It's hard when things end. But one way or the other, this is over. The only question is... What's next?
Shawn: I heard your speech at Demon-Con. You know this system stinks. You wouldn't have let me try the original experiment if things were working. Let's try a new way. Together.

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