Eleanor: The point is Michael, we forgive you. I mean, at least you tried to find a way to the Good Place. And that's the greatest thing someone can do, just try your best. So we hereby name you an honorary human. And we would like to present you with this human starter kit.
Michael: Car keys! So I could lose them, and say, "Has anyone seen my car keys?" I can do that you know that thing where... [laughs] Thank you! And Band-Aids for your stupid, fragile bodies. Oh, and look at this. A stress ball with a dumb corporate logo. Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this and then almost throw it away, and then think, "No, I'll use it." [laughter] Oh, guys. A Dr. Oz diet book because you're all such suckers. This is all garbage that I have no real use for.
Eleanor: That's right. Welcome to being human, buddy. To Michael!

Chidi: Here's the thing about me. You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time. It's just this constant grinding about things I'm afraid of or things that I want or want to want or want to want to...
Eleanor: Is it grinding in there right now, bud?
Chidi: Yep, but the point is... the circumstances under which me met are completely insane. And that just makes the grinding harder. I just wish we met the way normal people meet. Like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures. Or you came knocking on my office door asking for help with philosophy.
Eleanor: Is that how you think people meet?
Chidi: I don't know how normal people meet.
Eleanor: You're such a nerd.

Jason: What do you guys think the Bad Place is going to be for you? I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert. And I'll be waiting for the bass drop, and it... [weeps] it'll never come.

Jason: So many memories of this place. Eating frozen yogurt, and then having diarrhea, and then eating more frozen yogurt, and then more diarrhea. Maybe I should've realized this wasn't the Good Place 'cause of all the diarrhea.
Chidi: Maybe you shouldn't be eating all of that frozen yogurt right now. We're about to be on a balloon, man.

Chidi: An unlimited library. All of my philosophy heroes walking around, waiting to be engaged in rigorous intellectual debate, and I hope that library is air-conditioned, because we are going to be working up quite a sweat. Oh! And soul mates! I hope they're real. I mean, you know for all of us. I hope everyone gets someone special.

Janet: Good news! We've got a handle on the controls. Who's ready to go balloonin'?
Michael: Okay, I think we figured it out. [screen beeps] I pieced together this design from a number of ancient manuscripts, which Janet will now interpret for you.
Janet: The balloon will only transport those who have attained self-realization. Each traveler will step upon the scale, and her soul shall be weighed. If she's the best version of herself, it will permit her to board. If not, passage will be denied.
Eleanor: Cool. Cool. Cool. We got this. I don't know about you guys, but I am definitely the best version of myself. I know a shirt-ton about ethics now, 'cause I studied. And I read books that weren't even written by the Real Housewives. Relax, everyone. We're all gonna be fine. [scale chimes] Oh! Oh, man. I didn't believe anything I was saying. I just... whoo! In I go.

Chidi: Okay, here's the thing. That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves. But for the four of us, that's not just a metaphor. There have literally been 802 different versions of us. And how do I know that this version is the best version of myself? How do I know it's not version #85, or 322, or 558?
Jason: Or 69, or 420? [Jason and Eleanor slap palms]
Chidi: And then you get into the whole idea of consciousness. And I mean just forget about best. And what version of Chidi is even real?
Tahani: What happens here? Does he eventually tire himself out?
Eleanor: Usually, but this one seems to be getting stronger as he goes on.
Chidi: ... And this Chidi is an imposter!
Eleanor: Okay. This is pretty simple, bud. You've been our teacher this whole time. And we are much better because of you. If we're the best versions of ourselves, which that balloon just proved, then you definitely are.
Chidi: So in a way, it doesn't matter if I was better in version 492 or whatever, because the best version of me is just as much about my effect on the world around me as it is about my own egocentric self-image. I really meant that much to you guys?
Eleanor: Of course you did. Now let's get you back on that scale, dorkus.

Michael: Guys, we're just not ready. I think we should regroup and try again tomorrow.
Eleanor: Hang on. I know the answer. I know why I'm not my best self. Do you remember that version of me from the tape of us at Mindy's? Where I was vulnerable and emotional and honest? That Eleanor is a better Eleanor than this one. And that is not an easy thing for me to say. "You're not better than me" was my yearbook quote.

Eleanor: Michael, can you tell us a little bit about that version?
Michael: Reboot number 119. All the restaurants were kabab places. You had a pet lizard which I made poop on you all the time.
Eleanor: No, can you tell us more about Chidi's and my relationship from that version?
Michael: Right. Sorry. Well, you got really into ethics, and you spent a lot of time together. Once you handed him a tissue right before he sneezed, and that simple act of anticipating his needs made him fall for you. One night you took a walk along the lake, and you had your first kiss, which: Gross. Kissing is gross. You just mash your food holes together. It's not for that. Anyway, it uh... It just you know bloomed after that.

Michael: No, no, please stop fighting. Oh man. This stinks. I'm having this feeling where... what is it called? You know, where you...you did a thing and you're sad after it? After-sad? Is that... no. You humans have so many emotions! You only need two: Anger and confusion!
Chidi: Michael, what's going on?
Michael: The problem isn't any of you. This whole balloon thing is a fake. The truth is, I have no idea how to get into the Good Place and I never have!
Eleanor: Well, Michael's right. I'm angry and confused.