Tahani: Who can convince her that this actually is the afterlife? We need someone authoritative and reassuring, like Nelson Mandela or Sir Patrick Stewart. Or really any of my old racquetball partners would do.

Michael: Tahani... so, so smart, and sophisticated. She was the only one who was able to talk me out of that goatee.
Tahani: Well, I lost that battle with Robert Downey Jr., and I'll be damned if I lose it with you.

Michael: I think you look great. Professional, serious. A proper team leader.
Eleanor: It does make me feel authoritative, like that chick from Law and Order. "Well, boys, looks like we got ourselves an SVU." I've never seen the show.

Eleanor: Hey, Simone, everything okay?
Simone: Yeah, well, no... Well, actually, it doesn't matter. None of this is real.
Eleanor: Sorry?
Simone: I'm a neuroscientist, so I get what's going on here. You know, clearly, I was in some kind of horrible accident, I'm on my deathbed, and this entire thing is just a hallucination constructed by my damaged brain as it slowly shuts down. It's not real, so I'm just gonna wander around until I wake up or die. See ya later, figments of my imagination!
Eleanor: She's just gonna go get some popcorn from the... river. There's a popcorn river. I'll show you guys later. Uh, she said keep going without her, so let's roll it. Janet, make a popcorn river. Everyone else, meet at Mindy's in ten minutes.

Jason: Oh, I know who it should be.
Eleanor: If you say Blake Bortles, I'm gonna slap you a lot.
Jason: Chidi! I believe everything Chidi ever tells me because of his brain and how he looks like one of those owls that graduated from college.

Eleanor: Okay, status report. What have we learned about Linda?
Tahani: Little, I'm afraid. I tried talking to her, but it was the dullest conversation I have ever had, and this is coming from someone who once split a Xanax with Peter Sarsgaard.

Eleanor: Hey, there, Simone. Shoving people in the pool, huh?
Simone: Yeah, just testing the laws of physics here in my nonsense brain jail. Who's this?
Eleanor: Uh, this is Chidi Anagonye. He was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy, so I figured he might be able to help...
Simone: Chidi Anagonye, that sounds so familiar. Where did you teach?
Chidi: St. John's University in Sydney.
Simone: Of course! I used to teach there. I must've seen his name on the faculty list and now my dying brain is just leaking out random information. Oh, the human mind is truly incredible! [sings] I want something else To get me through this Semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby
Chidi: Look, sorry, uh, what... what's happening now?
Simone: When I was a kid, my CD alarm clock broke and it used to wake me up to that song every day, so now I'm singing it to try and wake myself up.
Chidi: Okay, well, nice meeting you.
Simone: Nice to meet you too, cute guy generated by my rapidly decaying temporal lobe. [vocalizes]

Shawn: [on video call] Okay, fine, yes, busted. I'm a rascal. We'll come pick him up and replace him with an actual human.
Judge: [on video call] Oh, you will do nothing of the sort, mon ami. This outrageous act must be punished. Chidi will be the fourth subject in this experiment.
Shawn: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Judge: He's perfect because he's already had his memories erased. Although you can't erase that booty, know what I'm saying, blondie?
Eleanor: All due respect, Your Honor, keep it in your robe.
Michael: What she means is thank you, Your Honor, we accept. Chidi's gonna be our fourth subject.
Shawn: Chidi can't be part of the experiment. They already know that he can improve. That's like studying for a test, then acing the test. It's cheating.
Eleanor: How is that cheating? You're just falsely accusing us of what you actually did.
Shawn: No, that's what you're doing.
Judge: Shawn, I don't have time for this. I just started Deadwood, finally, and I need my daily dose of Timothy Olyphant, so I'm gonna make this short. If you so much as breathe on this experiment again, I will restart the entire thing from scratch, and then I will personally rip off your eyelids and make you watch heartwarming videos of soldiers coming home to their dogs.

Eleanor: Here is your new home, complete with two of your favorite things: floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and...
Chidi: Reading lights! I love reading lights. They are great for reading.
Eleanor: And, oh, check this out. Um, hold out your hand. And think about a book.
Chidi: [chortling] I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer. This is literally my number one dream. Also... ow! That hurt.

Eleanor: So the Bad Place sent Simone to mess with Chidi, John to mess with Tahani... Do you think they sent Linda to mess with Jason? She's from Norway. Is Norway, like, the opposite of Florida?