Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Chillaxing’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: Chillaxing

403. Chillaxing

Aired October 10, 2019

Eleanor and Michael are concerned when Chidi is so comfortable in the Good Place that he isn't bothering to teach philosophy to the other humans. Meanwhile, Tahani tries to get to know John.

Quote from Michael

Michael: I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad and angry when you should be happy, and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but it's insane. The point is, in this case, even if it's not rational, you're allowed to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it and work your way through it, and then get your shirt together. Because we have a lot of work to do.

Rate

Quote from Michael

Michael: Never seen Chidi like that. He was... chillaxing, which is a word I just invented, combing Chidi and relaxing.

Quote from Janet

Tahani: Janet, darling?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Tahani: Oh, you dyed your hair.
Janet: I did. After I broke up with Jason, I researched how humans cope with relationships ending, and number eight on the list was doing something dumb with your hair. Number 42 was watch Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, so I did that, too. It was okay. It's just a lot of the same songs as the first one.

Quote from Tahani

John: I'm so excited for Spa day. I mean, I know I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight and the air is obviously perfect and no one has any jobs or stress or problems, but I just feel like I need this.
Tahani: Well, you are in for a treat 'cause I had Janet build an exact replica of Victoria Beckham's ultra-exclusive private spa.
John: Posh's spa? The Posh Wash?
Tahani: It's the most coveted invitation in England. Membership is based on weight and net worth. Gain a pound or lose a pound, and you're out. Shall we go?

Quote from John

John: Oh, goodie. Cucumber water.
Janet: Nope. This is fresh water from Oprah's estate in Maui with mushrooms from her private bog in the Pyrenees Mountains.
John: Oh, my God. It tastes like candy.
Tahani: You know what they say. A mushroom from Oprah's bog is better than anything from anywhere else.
John: Ugh, I didn't know that they said that. I missed out on all the cool celebrity sayings.
Tahani: Say good-bye to FOMO. You can finally experience the best of the best.
John: The only thing that would make this any better is some hot goss. [chuckles]
Tahani: Very well. Our story begins when I ran into Robbie Williams, Heidi Klum, and the remaining members of Fifth Harmony at the Dolce & Gabbana spring show.
John: Hate him, loathe her, over them, cancel it, tell me everything.

Quote from Tahani

Janet: I don't understand why John hasn't made more progress. You've done so much to make him feel special.
Tahani: I know. I recreated the private tour of the Louvre where they let you touch all the art. We rode Aquamans through the water. I got so many beauty treatments I fear my hair may be too shiny and lustrous. We've been getting on quite well, but every time I bring up self-improvement, he just shuts me down. I haven't encountered this much resistance since I tried to get Timothée Chalamet to go out into the sun.
Janet: You know, I looked at John's files again. He was hardly a shrinking violet. If you think he needs help, maybe you should just tell him directly.
Tahani: Perhaps you're right. I shall go on the attack, just like six of the eight Game of Thrones characters who were based on me would do.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: John, I have something to say.
John: Round two. Let's do this.
Tahani: In 2007, Blake Lively invited me to a birthday party held for Leonardo DiCaprio aboard Paul Allen's mega-yacht.
John: I see we're dropping names three at a time now.
Tahani: The guest list was 100 of the wealthiest, most famous members of the glitterati. Once aboard, I discovered there was a VIP deck. And within that area, there was an even more exclusive room that you could only access with a secret PIN, which I promptly entered. And guess who was waiting for me.
John: I hate to admit it, but I have to know. Who?
Tahani: No one. I was the only one there. The party raged on outside, but I was so obsessed with status that I never left. I spent the entire night talking to no one.
John: Riveting story. If only it were longer and sadder.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: Yeah, I guess once you have the burden of saving humanity removed from your brain, life is dandy. Must be nice, Chidi.
Michael: That's what's missing. Chidi isn't being tortured. As far as he's concerned, he did everything right on Earth, so now he just gets to enjoy himself. If we don't force Chidi into stressful decision-making, he even have the chance to become a better person.
Eleanor: Right. You want to make a pearl, you gotta get some sand in your clam.
Michael: Oyster. We need Chidi to live in a world of low-grade dread.
Eleanor: I've got this. I have a ton of experience making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable. First up, we fill his acoustic guitar with wet cat food. Judge me all you want. I get results.

Quote from Chidi

Eleanor: What the fork?
Chidi: Hi, Eleanor. Hi, Michael. We were just heading off for picnic.
Michael: Oh, you know, we were actually just gonna go check in on your new student, Brent.
Chidi: Oh, you know, I'm not sure that Brent's in it for the long haul. He came to one session, and then he said he got a B+ in Moral Values at Princeton, and so maybe he should be the professor. Then he asked me if I knew that he went Princeton. I said I did. Then he said he went to Princeton, and he left. Eh, what are you gonna do?
Eleanor: [chuckles] Well, just for argument's sake, what would Kant say about your duty to help your fellow human beings?
Chidi: Well, honestly, when the weather is this perfect, I think that Kant would say, "Who's up for some Frisbee golf?" [laughs] [Michael chuckles] Guys, you gotta hear this joke I made about Kant.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Well, hopefully, diving back into work was also high on that list because we need to help John and I know how. Spa day.
Janet: Spa day?
Tahani: That's right, Janet. I've cracked the code. See, in 2014, John wrote eleven articles mocking Gigi Hadid's vacation at an exclusive resort in Bali. But then he researched cheap flights to Bali for himself, and looked into something called a "discount hotel package"? See, John's pettiness was the result of feeling excluded by the rich and powerful. So I, the rich and powerful, am going to welcome him into an exclusive world of luxury and pampering!
Janet: Oh, he loves celebrity gossip. You should tell him about how eight different characters from Game of Thrones are based on you.
Tahani: That is a great idea. See? You're getting it now. First, we open his pores, and then we open his heart.
Janet: We exfoliate the dead skin cells of envy, and we detoxify his soul.
Tahani: Spa day.
Janet: Spa day.

Quote from Jason

Jason: Dude, thanks to you, my dream came true. I have a shiny new budhole. You okay, homie?
Chidi: No! I've had a stomach ache for a week. There have been way too many close calls. Please, I beg you, no more meatball subs. No more drawing boobs in the dirt. I cannot lie to cover for you. Please remember you're supposed to be a monk.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: Morning, all. Anyone interested in a status report? I win. I mean, I'll start. I have made massive progress with John.
Eleanor: Great. Is he gonna join Chidi's class?
Tahani: Philosophy may not be his way forward. Genuine human connection shall be his course of study. And first up on the syllabus, he and I will be unironically watching the Britney Spears movie Crossroads together... [chuckles] And you'll have to trust me, this is a huge step in the right direction.
Michael: Wonderful work, Tahani.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: So what's on tap for today?
Michael: Chidi's study group should be off and running. We can go check in on how Brent's doing.
Eleanor: If there's anyone that can turn that ash-hole into a good person, it's Chidi. My man used to collect action figures of famous philosophers. "Ooh, Eleanor, look, it's a near-mint Arthur Schopenhauer with a working quill!" What a dork. I love him so much.
Michael: Chidi might make the new humans better all on his own. It's so great he erased his memory. But, you know, it's also quite sad... for you in a way that I always think about and am respectful of.

Quote from Jason

Michael: Jason, there you are? We need your help.
Jason: Okay. Hand me the jar.
Michael: Of what?
Jason: The peanut butter jar. Get it. You said you needed help opening a peanut butter jar.
Eleanor: No, we didn't.
Jason: Oh. Then who said that?
Eleanor: No one. Shut up and listen.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: We need your help with something very important.
Jason: Are you sure? I'm probably just gonna mess it up. Just like I messed things up with Janet.
Eleanor: Dude, helping to save humanity is as good a way as any to get over a breakup. I mean, it's not like Janet has a car you can key, or a house you can "Left Eye" Lopes.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode