Michael: I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad and angry when you should be happy, and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but it's insane. The point is, in this case, even if it's not rational, you're allowed to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it and work your way through it, and then get your shirt together. Because we have a lot of work to do.

Michael: Never seen Chidi like that. He was... chillaxing, which is a word I just invented, combing Chidi and relaxing.

John: Oh, goodie. Cucumber water.
Janet: Nope. This is fresh water from Oprah's estate in Maui with mushrooms from her private bog in the Pyrenees Mountains.
John: Oh, my God. It tastes like candy.
Tahani: You know what they say. A mushroom from Oprah's bog is better than anything from anywhere else.
John: Ugh, I didn't know that they said that. I missed out on all the cool celebrity sayings.
Tahani: Say good-bye to FOMO. You can finally experience the best of the best.
John: The only thing that would make this any better is some hot goss. [chuckles]
Tahani: Very well. Our story begins when I ran into Robbie Williams, Heidi Klum, and the remaining members of Fifth Harmony at the Dolce & Gabbana spring show.
John: Hate him, loathe her, over them, cancel it, tell me everything.

Tahani: Janet, darling?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Tahani: Oh, you dyed your hair.
Janet: I did. After I broke up with Jason, I researched how humans cope with relationships ending, and number eight on the list was doing something dumb with your hair. Number 42 was watch Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, so I did that, too. It was okay. It's just a lot of the same songs as the first one.

John: I'm so excited for Spa day. I mean, I know I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight and the air is obviously perfect and no one has any jobs or stress or problems, but I just feel like I need this.
Tahani: Well, you are in for a treat 'cause I had Janet build an exact replica of Victoria Beckham's ultra-exclusive private spa.
John: Posh's spa? The Posh Wash?
Tahani: It's the most coveted invitation in England. Membership is based on weight and net worth. Gain a pound or lose a pound, and you're out. Shall we go?

Janet: I don't understand why John hasn't made more progress. You've done so much to make him feel special.
Tahani: I know. I recreated the private tour of the Louvre where they let you touch all the art. We rode Aquamans through the water. I got so many beauty treatments I fear my hair may be too shiny and lustrous. We've been getting on quite well, but every time I bring up self-improvement, he just shuts me down. I haven't encountered this much resistance since I tried to get Timothée Chalamet to go out into the sun.
Janet: You know, I looked at John's files again. He was hardly a shrinking violet. If you think he needs help, maybe you should just tell him directly.
Tahani: Perhaps you're right. I shall go on the attack, just like six of the eight Game of Thrones characters who were based on me would do.

Tahani: John, I have something to say.
John: Round two. Let's do this.
Tahani: In 2007, Blake Lively invited me to a birthday party held for Leonardo DiCaprio aboard Paul Allen's mega-yacht.
John: I see we're dropping names three at a time now.
Tahani: The guest list was 100 of the wealthiest, most famous members of the glitterati. Once aboard, I discovered there was a VIP deck. And within that area, there was an even more exclusive room that you could only access with a secret PIN, which I promptly entered. And guess who was waiting for me.
John: I hate to admit it, but I have to know. Who?
Tahani: No one. I was the only one there. The party raged on outside, but I was so obsessed with status that I never left. I spent the entire night talking to no one.
John: Riveting story. If only it were longer and sadder.

Eleanor: Yeah, I guess once you have the burden of saving humanity removed from your brain, life is dandy. Must be nice, Chidi.
Michael: That's what's missing. Chidi isn't being tortured. As far as he's concerned, he did everything right on Earth, so now he just gets to enjoy himself. If we don't force Chidi into stressful decision-making, he even have the chance to become a better person.
Eleanor: Right. You want to make a pearl, you gotta get some sand in your clam.
Michael: Oyster. We need Chidi to live in a world of low-grade dread.
Eleanor: I've got this. I have a ton of experience making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable. First up, we fill his acoustic guitar with wet cat food. Judge me all you want. I get results.

Eleanor: What the fork?
Chidi: Hi, Eleanor. Hi, Michael. We were just heading off for picnic.
Michael: Oh, you know, we were actually just gonna go check in on your new student, Brent.
Chidi: Oh, you know, I'm not sure that Brent's in it for the long haul. He came to one session, and then he said he got a B+ in Moral Values at Princeton, and so maybe he should be the professor. Then he asked me if I knew that he went Princeton. I said I did. Then he said he went to Princeton, and he left. Eh, what are you gonna do?
Eleanor: [chuckles] Well, just for argument's sake, what would Kant say about your duty to help your fellow human beings?
Chidi: Well, honestly, when the weather is this perfect, I think that Kant would say, "Who's up for some Frisbee golf?" [laughs] [Michael chuckles] Guys, you gotta hear this joke I made about Kant.

Tahani: Well, hopefully, diving back into work was also high on that list because we need to help John and I know how. Spa day.
Janet: Spa day?
Tahani: That's right, Janet. I've cracked the code. See, in 2014, John wrote eleven articles mocking Gigi Hadid's vacation at an exclusive resort in Bali. But then he researched cheap flights to Bali for himself, and looked into something called a "discount hotel package"? See, John's pettiness was the result of feeling excluded by the rich and powerful. So I, the rich and powerful, am going to welcome him into an exclusive world of luxury and pampering!
Janet: Oh, he loves celebrity gossip. You should tell him about how eight different characters from Game of Thrones are based on you.
Tahani: That is a great idea. See? You're getting it now. First, we open his pores, and then we open his heart.
Janet: We exfoliate the dead skin cells of envy, and we detoxify his soul.
Tahani: Spa day.
Janet: Spa day.