Tahani: Oh, Jason, I'm so sorry.
Jason: Janet was my whole afterlife. How am I gonna get over her?
Tahani: I used to have a breakup routine when a relationship ended. Champagne and Alanis Morissette. Not the actual singer. I just listened to her albums at my friend Adele's house.
Michael: I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad and angry when you should be happy, and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but it's insane. The point is, in this case, even if it's not rational, you're allowed to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it and work your way through it, and then get your shirt together. Because we have a lot of work to do.
Eleanor: Yes, we will no longer be together. The Bad Place has pulled off the most intricate cork-blork of all time. Hmm, it's a nice touch that the cursing filter maintains the rhyme. I appreciate that attention to detail.
Jason: Why don't you want your name on the opera house? I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.
Michael: Let's focus on the big picture here. Free of Earth's complications and its unintended consequences, the other three improved a lot. Chidi got 38% more confident. Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, and John didn't call one single person the C-word.
Judge: But he did yell the C-word at himself as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over.
Shawn: Why are we even still discussing this? Brent got worse. If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.
Judge: He's right; the evidence needed to be overwhelming. I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down because three people got a little bit better.
Michael: But don't forget. There's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, so that's six people. That's the number of friends in Friends. Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel... and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?
Tahani: Who can convince her that this actually is the afterlife? We need someone authoritative and reassuring, like Nelson Mandela or Sir Patrick Stewart. Or really any of my old racquetball partners would do.
Michael: How did they get Janet's bracelets off? It's literally impossible for a human to do. It's like breathing underwater or driving without texting.
Jason: Yo, yo, homies, check it. There's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other. None of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel. My soul mate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but I think we're in the Bad Place.
Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.
Eleanor: Ugh, you want a robot killed right, you have to do it yourself.
Janet: Eleanor? Eleanor, no, no, no. Please, wait, wait, wait, wait! Eleanor, I have kids. I have three beautiful children... Tyler, Emma, and little, tiny baby Phillip. Look at Tyler. Tyler has asthma, but he is battling it like a champ. Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them. [growling] Look at them! Look at them!
Eleanor: [yelps] It's so realistic!
Janet: Eleanor, again, I'm not human. This is a stock photo of the crowd at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.
Michael: Okay, Janet's passing out the file on Tahani Al-Jamil, who volunteered to be today's test subject. So, take a look, and then we'll get going.
Tahani: They don't seem very enthused. This may be a tougher challenge than I thought, like when I tried to teach Taylor Swift how to dance. The longest four years of my life.