Eleanor: Holy fork, that is a soothing chime.
Tahani: It really is the most incredible chime I've ever heard, and that is coming from someone whose godfather is the most famous clock in the world.
Chidi: Is Big Ben somehow your godfather?
Tahani: Mm-hmm.

Chidi: So about this party, is everyone in the Good Place invited? Like, is Aristotle gonna be there?
Janet: Sorry, Chidi, Aristotle's in the Bad Place. He defended slavery.
Chidi: Socrates?
Janet: No, too annoying. Very loud chewer.
Chidi: Plato.
Janet: Slavery again. Oh, you know who is here? Hypatia of Alexandria. Do you know her?
Chidi: Hypatia? [Janet nods] Of Alexandria.
Janet: That's right.
Chidi: Uh, yeah, I know her. [muffled screams] Ooh, Hypatia! I'm gonna ask her so many questions pertaining to the grand ideas about the universe, like: "Why?" Oh, oh, and also... "How?"
Janet: Ooh.

Tahani: We're finally headed to the Good Place. It's the "me" of places! I-I got in, I can say stuff like that again.

Eleanor: What's everyone wanna do first?
Jason: Racing go-karts with monkeys.
Chidi: Sure.
Jason: It's my lifelong dream. Monkeys are the ideal go-kart opponents. They're funny enough to give the finger, but not smart enough to win.

Tahani: We just redesigned this system, and soon millions of people are going to start pouring in thinking they're in paradise, only to become a joyless husk. It's Coachella. We've invented Cosmic Coachella. Oh, we have to fix this.

Janet: You all need to wait out here for a bit so you can adjust. When you're ready, you will be honored with a welcome gala magically planned by the Good Place based on your personalities.
Eleanor: Like the "targeted Instagram ad" of parties! You know, I bought the coolest sunglasses from one of those ads. [sunglasses appear on Eleanor's head]
Tahani: Look.
Jason: Whoa.
Eleanor: It's like I'm inside the Internet.

Chidi: Also is it "Hy-pay-sha", or "Hy-pat-ia"? Or in the Ancient Greek, "Who-put-tia?" There's a lot of fun debate about this.
Hypatia: You know what, just call me Patty.
Chidi: Okay, well, uh... Patty! I'm a huge fan. I had a poster of you on my wall in high school. Actually, it was just a poster of Trinity from The Matrix, but that's how I imagined you would look because you're so cool!
Eleanor: Oh, is she the reason you got beat up so much?
Chidi: She's one of 'em.

Tahani: I feel just like Dorothy when she lands in Oz. Excited, incredulous, much taller than everyone else around me.

Janet: Does that mean me?
Michael: You're a Good Janet, and we're in the Good Place. I don't know who else it would mean.
Janet: Okay. No pressure. I was born to do this... Not born. [touches the sign] Okay, so I now know all the information about the Good Place. In a nutshell, it slaps. First thing to tell you: humans can't see the Good Place all at once or their brains will be scrambled.
Jason: Cool, maybe I'll finally get some of those squigglies on my brain. Doctor said my brain's as smooth as an egg.

Eleanor: Oh, man. Look at this place!
Tahani: [wearing headphones] Karlie Kloss did like me! I knew it!