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‘Patty’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: Patty

412. Patty

Aired January 23, 2020

The group's first day in the Good Place doesn't come without some surprises. Chidi meets one of his philosophical heroes, Hypatia (Lisa Kudrow).

Quote from Tahani

Eleanor: Holy fork, that is a soothing chime.
Tahani: It really is the most incredible chime I've ever heard, and that is coming from someone whose godfather is the most famous clock in the world.
Chidi: Is Big Ben somehow your godfather?
Tahani: Mm-hmm.

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Quote from Chidi

Chidi: So about this party, is everyone in the Good Place invited? Like, is Aristotle gonna be there?
Janet: Sorry, Chidi, Aristotle's in the Bad Place. He defended slavery.
Chidi: Socrates?
Janet: No, too annoying. Very loud chewer.
Chidi: Plato.
Janet: Slavery again. Oh, you know who is here? Hypatia of Alexandria. Do you know her?
Chidi: Hypatia? [Janet nods] Of Alexandria.
Janet: That's right.
Chidi: Uh, yeah, I know her. [muffled screams] Ooh, Hypatia! I'm gonna ask her so many questions pertaining to the grand ideas about the universe, like: "Why?" Oh, oh, and also... "How?"
Janet: Ooh.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: We're finally headed to the Good Place. It's the "me" of places! I-I got in, I can say stuff like that again.

Quote from Jason

Eleanor: What's everyone wanna do first?
Jason: Racing go-karts with monkeys.
Chidi: Sure.
Jason: It's my lifelong dream. Monkeys are the ideal go-kart opponents. They're funny enough to give the finger, but not smart enough to win.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: We just redesigned this system, and soon millions of people are going to start pouring in thinking they're in paradise, only to become a joyless husk. It's Coachella. We've invented Cosmic Coachella. Oh, we have to fix this.

Quote from Eleanor

Janet: You all need to wait out here for a bit so you can adjust. When you're ready, you will be honored with a welcome gala magically planned by the Good Place based on your personalities.
Eleanor: Like the "targeted Instagram ad" of parties! You know, I bought the coolest sunglasses from one of those ads. [sunglasses appear on Eleanor's head]
Tahani: Look.
Jason: Whoa.
Eleanor: It's like I'm inside the Internet.

Quote from Chidi

Chidi: Also is it "Hy-pay-sha", or "Hy-pat-ia"? Or in the Ancient Greek, "Who-put-tia?" There's a lot of fun debate about this.
Hypatia: You know what, just call me Patty.
Chidi: Okay, well, uh... Patty! I'm a huge fan. I had a poster of you on my wall in high school. Actually, it was just a poster of Trinity from The Matrix, but that's how I imagined you would look because you're so cool!
Eleanor: Oh, is she the reason you got beat up so much?
Chidi: She's one of 'em.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: I feel just like Dorothy when she lands in Oz. Excited, incredulous, much taller than everyone else around me.

Quote from Jason

Janet: Does that mean me?
Michael: You're a Good Janet, and we're in the Good Place. I don't know who else it would mean.
Janet: Okay. No pressure. I was born to do this... Not born. [touches the sign] Okay, so I now know all the information about the Good Place. In a nutshell, it slaps. First thing to tell you: humans can't see the Good Place all at once or their brains will be scrambled.
Jason: Cool, maybe I'll finally get some of those squigglies on my brain. Doctor said my brain's as smooth as an egg.

Quote from Tahani

Eleanor: Oh, man. Look at this place!
Tahani: [wearing headphones] Karlie Kloss did like me! I knew it!

Quote from Jason

Jason: Whoa. This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites Hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court.
Eleanor: But this has to be my party, because that's the bed pan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998! [gasps] It was a classic moment. Don't judge me.
Janet: I'm so sorry, guys. The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time. When you walked in as a group, it became...
Tahani: A mishmash of all four of us.
Eleanor: [sighs contentedly] It's perfect.
Jason: Um, no it's not, Eleanor, because there's no go-kart track and no monkeys. No offense, but you're being a real smooth brain right now.
Janet: See those Green Doors? You can use them to visit any time or place, real or imagined. Just think about where you wanna go, and what you wanna do, and walk on through.
Tahani: So, one could walk amongst the dinosaurs, or witness the very first production of Hamlet at the Globe Theater.
Jason: I'mma go Tokyo drift with monkeys! See you in a thousand years!

Quote from Michael

Michael: I am so honored by this gesture. This feels right. This will be my new purpose. Everything's falling into place.
Chuck: Great, let's get to it. Just put on this ceremonial robe.
Michael: Ha!
Drew: Boy, do you have the shoulders for a robe.
Daisuke: Just sign this scroll.
Michael: I've never signed my name before. What signature type to choose? A "Doctor Blob," or no, "Athlete who doesn't really care about the kid." Oh, wait, no. "Middle school girl with crush on Zac Efron." That way, I can put a little heart over the "I".
Chuck: Perfect, and here is your official medal.
Michael: Now I know what Mary Lou Retton feels like.
Chuck: And great, now you are officially in charge of the Good Place.
Michael: I'm sorry. "In charge"?
Chuck: Yup, you're the boss now. That was all legally binding, and we all quit, effective immediately. That is irreversible, so it's all your problem now. Don't try to find us, no take-backs. Okay, bye-bye!

Quote from Michael

Michael: Hello? Fellow Good Placemen? Anyone in here? "Ideas for improving the Good Place." Oh... "Music you can eat." Oh, boy. "Giant mini doughnuts, not just regular doughnuts. Dave will explain." Dave? Can you explain?

Quote from Eleanor

Chidi: Um, hi, are you, uh... Are you... Are you Hypatia Of Alexandria?
Hypatia: Yup, how's it hangin'?
Chidi: It's hanging really well! Um, I-I gotta say, I was expecting you to be still, you know, Ancient Greek.
Hypatia: Oh, well, we sort of stay current in this place. What are the big things from Earth recently? Um, the Industrial Revolution, the Manhattan Project, Gangnam Style... I feel like I get it.
Chidi: It's really her. I can just tell, somehow, it's Hypatia of Alexandria.
Eleanor: I know, babe. Yes, it is. Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor. This exuberant weirdo is Chidi. We're new in town. First question: How do you get the "of" in your name? Is it just, like, where you hung out the most? Like, am I "Eleanor of the Cheesecake Factory Bar"?

Quote from Chidi

Hypatia: Wanna get a milkshake? I haven't been around newbies in a while. You're a little intense. Let's get a milkshake. Yeah, they make a milkshake here that's made out of actual stardust. It's pretty good.
Chidi: Okay! Yeah! Getting milkshakes with Patty.
Hypatia: Yeah.
Chidi: But can I ask you a couple of questions first? Uh, you were a follower of Plotinus, who claimed that contemplation of our ultimate reality...
Hypatia: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you... What's it called, um, a think-book-man? No, um... a think-read-book-man.
Chidi: A philosopher, yes.
Hypatia: Sorry! It's been so long, my brain is foggy. Listen carefully before I forget how to say this. You gotta help us, we are so screwed.
Chidi: We are?

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