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‘Most Improved Player’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Good Place: Most Improved Player

108. Most Improved Player

Aired October 27, 2016

Michael tries to get to the bottom of Eleanor's true identity and determine whether she belongs in The Good Place or not.

Quote from Tahani

Tahani: I really do have sympathy for your situation. I mean, you thought your soul mate was a good person, and then you learned that she's just an immoral grifter.
Chidi: Tahani, please.
Tahani: Am I wrong? She lied to everyone. She caused a giant sinkhole into which poor Glenn fell. She caused a trash storm. She... Well, she pretended to be my friend when I really needed one. And, lest we forget, she murdered Janet. As far as I'm concerned, the sooner she's gone, the better off we'll all be.
Chidi: I... I understand that Eleanor violated our trust, but please, when you're talking to Michael, try to think about what she's had to go through.
Tahani: All right. I will, for you. But we've been through a lot as well. You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyonce.

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Quote from Michael

Michael: Since Janet can't retrieve your file, I need to find another way to determine what kind of person you were. This is a quick litmus test. Handful of questions designed to tell whether you are fundamentally good or bad. Question number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime, such as murder, sexual harassment, arson, or otherwise?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Did you ever have a vanity license plate, like "MAMASBMW," "LEXUS4LIZ," or "BOOBGUY"?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?
Eleanor: Ew, no.
Michael: Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band "The Red Hot Chili Peppers"?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?
Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?
Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

Quote from Jason

Eleanor: Listen up, genius. He's gonna call you in there in a second.
Jason: Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.
Eleanor: Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a... it's a glowing cube.
Jason: Like the AllSpark? From Transformers?
Chidi: Sure, uh, just like the AllSpark from Transformers, and... and he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything so only smiles and nods, got it? [Jason nods]

Quote from Eleanor

Michael: Eleanor, come on in. Well, not often you get to confront your greatest failure face-to-face.
Eleanor: Good to see you, too, bud.
Michael: I am just dumbfounded as to how this happened. Our system has never made a mistake before... It's just not possible. And yet, here we are. First things first, who are you?
Eleanor: Well, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop, and some of the info you had was right. I mean, "flattened by boner pill truck after dropping margarita mix in grocery store parking lot," that's a very me way to die. But all the other info was wrong. In my defense, when I first arrived, and you said, "You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead, and you're in the Good Place," I had no reason to think that was a mistake.
Michael: Location and date of birth, please.
Eleanor: Phoenix, Arizona, October 14, 1986. So sorry. That's what I used to tell people when I lied about my age. I was born in 1982.
Michael: You lied so much, you forgot your own birthday. Not a great start, but it should be enough for Janet to locate your file.

Quote from Michael

Michael: And finally, a multi-part question: Did you ever appear on the American television program The Bachelor or its companion shows The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise, or post on any social media site that you were emotionally invested in any of the relationships the contestants were pursuing?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Okay. You did very well on the questionnaire, Eleanor. So far, so good.

Quote from Eleanor

Michael: This file contains a compendium of all of the highest impact events from your life, that's the, uh, biggest positive and negative point swings. So "Little Julie," who's that?
Eleanor: Julie is my cousin's daughter. Her mom is kind of a mess, so I used to take her to the mall sometimes and bought her churro dogs. It's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros. And it's tied together with a Slim Jim. It's an Arizona delicacy.
Michael: Oh, sounds awful, but it's very nice that you made that girl happy. So what's this: "Kool Threadz, "Glendale, Arizona's Premiere T-Shirt Emporium"?
Eleanor: Uh, can we skip around and... and circle back? How about I tell you more about those churro dogs. They came with unlimited ranch dressing.
Michael: Let's hear about the t-shirts, please.
Eleanor: Eeeh, okay. I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.
Michael: That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.

Quote from Michael

Chidi: Michael...
Michael: Oh, hi, Chidi. Want some pizza? Bad Place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office. All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.

Quote from Janet

Michael: Janet? [Janet appears facing a wall] Janet...
Janet: What's that? What's that? [gasps] What's this?
Michael: Her memory's still being rebooted because, oh, you know, someone murdered her. Janet, could you please locate the file for an Eleanor Shellstrop, born in... [sighs] 1982?
Eleanor: Yes.
Michael: Phoenix, Arizona, USA.
Janet: Sure. [hands Michael a potted plant] Anything else?
Michael: No, Janet, this is actually a cactus. [Janet plays with a large plant] This might take a while.
Janet: Whee!

Quote from Janet

Janet: [appears with her hands behind her back] Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
Michael: [sighs] Is it actually a cactus?
Janet: I don't understand.
Michael: I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?
Janet: I have the file.
Michael: You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?
Janet: That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.
Michael: Excellent. Please, give me the file.
Janet: Here you go. [hands Michael a cactus]
Michael: Thank you, Janet.
Janet: You're welcome.

Quote from Michael

Eleanor: Well, I say we call it a day. I mean, I nailed the questionnaire, and you're swimming in cacti. Can't we just chalk this up to a hilarious mistake and move on?
Michael: No, we can't, Eleanor. There's no such thing as a mistake in this realm. And yet, you are, somehow, a mistake. I mean, you're a giant chunk of spinach in the teeth of the universe. [pulls out a glowing white cube] I need to understand every facet of this disaster. Tell me a lie about yourself. Any lie.
Eleanor: I love the opera. [low tone]
Michael: And now a truth.
Eleanor: I love Women's MMA. [bright tone]
Michael: We don't like to use this. We've never really had a call for it before you, but in the interest of time. Eleanor, did you murder Janet?
Eleanor: No, I did not. [bright tone]
Michael: Do you know who did?
Eleanor: Yes. [bright tone]
Michael: Will you tell me who it was?
Eleanor: No. [bright tone]
Michael: I assume it was one of your friends, and I admire you for protecting him or her. But Eleanor, in the Good Place, there's no room for bad people or bad actions, so anyone involved in the murder of Janet will be reviewed and judged, and there will be consequences.

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