Eleanor Shellstrop Quotes Page 1 of 25    

Quote from Pandemonium

Eleanor: Yes, we will no longer be together. The Bad Place has pulled off the most intricate cork-blork of all time. Hmm, it's a nice touch that the cursing filter maintains the rhyme. I appreciate that attention to detail.


Quote from Everything is Fine

Chidi: Are you sure this isn't you?
Eleanor: Yeah, man, I'm pretty sure I wasn't a death row lawyer who collected clown paintings and rescued orphans. They got my name right, but nothing else. I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?
Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.
Eleanor: That's bullshirt.

Quote from Janet(s)

Jason: That was awesome! I want to go again!
Eleanor: Where are we?
Michael: We're in the Good Place.
Eleanor: No offense, dude, but you have told us a lot of lies in the last 300 years. So, seriously, where the fork are we? Fork. Shirt. Ash hole. [gasps] Holy forking shirtballs. We're in the Good Place!

Quote from Jeremy Bearimy

Bartender: Look, there have to be rules. Every place has rules.
Eleanor: Ugh! Fine, here are my rules... Rule number one, I get to do whatever I want and you all just have to deal with it. Rule two, no more Spider-Man movies! There's way too many Spider-Man movies. Too many dorky, little, twerpy Spider-men. Rule three, everyone leave me alone.
Bartender: So you just take care of yourself? You don't owe anything to anyone else? [chuckles] If people lived that way, society would break down.
Eleanor: Yeah! In America, everyone does whatever they want society did break down, it's terrible, and it's great! You only look out for number one, scream at whoever disagrees with you, there are no bees because they all died, and if you need surgery, you just beg for money on the internet. It's a perfect system! Now get me another drink. Tomorrow's my birthday. Well, well, well, a wallet. [gasps] My rules say I get to take the cash out and keep it, because in my society, I do whatever I want 'cause I'm awesome. [removes cash] Just take it. Take it, Eleanor. Just... Ugh!

Quote from Existential Crisis

Eleanor: I don't know if what I'm going to say is going to hurt or help, but screw it. Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it's like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad... all the time. That's just the deal.
Michael: Sounds like a crappy deal.
Eleanor: Well, yeah. It is. But we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew... "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Quote from Michael's Gambit

Eleanor: Ready when you are, boss.
Chidi: Eleanor, what's going on?
Eleanor: It took me a while to figure it out, but just now as we were all fighting and yelling at each other and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me. They're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. The can't, because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.
Michael: [wicked laugh] Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out. [laughs] Oh, God! Y-you ruined everything, you know that?

Quote from Michael's Gambit

Eleanor: Oh, it looks like paradise, but it's actually a filthy dumpster full of our worst anxieties. I'm surrounded by people who are literally better than me. Just me being here forced Chidi into an ethical "clusterfork." Tahani tortured Jason by constantly trying to get him to talk, Jason tortured me because I was sure he would blow our cover, which was torture for Chidi, because he was responsible for me, which made Chidi seem like the perfect soul mate, and that tortured Tahani because he didn't love her.
Tahani: You don't love me?
Chidi: Please, don't ask me that right now.
Eleanor: See? We've been torturing each other since the moment we arrived, and everything Michael has done has made at least one of us miserable. He played us like a fiddle.
Jason: Oh, dip! Eleanor, I told you that first night that we were in a prank show.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah. You did! Great job, man. [they high-five]

Quote from Michael's Gambit

Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: [gasps] Who are you?
Janet: I'm Janet. I think this is yours. After I was rebooted, I found it in my mouth.
Eleanor: What?
[Eleanor reads the note which says "Eleanor - find Chidi"]
Eleanor: What the fork is a "Chidi"? Why can't I say "fork"?
[Janet has disappeared when Eleanor turns around]

Quote from Somewhere Else

Eleanor: And in the end, Anthony Anderson and Jerry O'Connell start a successful shampoo company and you see the kangaroo jumping around Australia. That is the plot of the movie Kangaroo Jack. Why did I tell you that?
Michael: It's unclear.

Quote from Everything is Bonzer!

Eleanor: Okay, uh, where do I start? I'm not, like, the best person in the world. I'm a trash bag from Arizona, which is saying something. Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs and HPV.

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