Eleanor: Yes, we will no longer be together. The Bad Place has pulled off the most intricate cork-blork of all time. Hmm, it's a nice touch that the cursing filter maintains the rhyme. I appreciate that attention to detail.

Jason: That was awesome! I want to go again!
Eleanor: Where are we?
Michael: We're in the Good Place.
Eleanor: No offense, dude, but you have told us a lot of lies in the last 300 years. So, seriously, where the fork are we? Fork. Shirt. Ash hole. [gasps] Holy forking shirtballs. We're in the Good Place!

Eleanor: Ready when you are, boss.
Chidi: Eleanor, what's going on?
Eleanor: It took me a while to figure it out, but just now as we were all fighting and yelling at each other and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me. They're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. The can't, because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.
Michael: [wicked laugh] Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out. [laughs] Oh, God! Y-you ruined everything, you know that?

Eleanor: And in the end, Anthony Anderson and Jerry O'Connell start a successful shampoo company and you see the kangaroo jumping around Australia. That is the plot of the movie Kangaroo Jack. Why did I tell you that?
Michael: It's unclear.

Eleanor: Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful", and, "You don't buy bras at Home Depot", and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot. What the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.

Eleanor: Oh, no. I knew it. You hate me now. What did it? The time I was subpoenaed by the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
Chidi: No.
Eleanor: Oh, I know what it was. In my defense, I didn't realize he was my boyfriend's twin until halfway into hooking up with him, and at that point, you know, it's a sunk cost.

Eleanor: Oh, it looks like paradise, but it's actually a filthy dumpster full of our worst anxieties. I'm surrounded by people who are literally better than me. Just me being here forced Chidi into an ethical "clusterfork." Tahani tortured Jason by constantly trying to get him to talk, Jason tortured me because I was sure he would blow our cover, which was torture for Chidi, because he was responsible for me, which made Chidi seem like the perfect soul mate, and that tortured Tahani because he didn't love her.
Tahani: You don't love me?
Chidi: Please, don't ask me that right now.
Eleanor: See? We've been torturing each other since the moment we arrived, and everything Michael has done has made at least one of us miserable. He played us like a fiddle.
Jason: Oh, dip! Eleanor, I told you that first night that we were in a prank show.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah. You did! Great job, man. [they high-five]

Chidi: So for Aristotle, virtue is practical. Goodness isn't something that a person just inherently has. It's something that she achieves through her actions. Questions?
Eleanor: Uh, yeah, a few. I wrote down "what?" "huh?" And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle. Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle"?

Eleanor: I gotta say, it seems like I was really nailing that philosophy class. Can you believe my high school voted me "Most Likely to Die Young and Unaccomplished?"
Michael: You did die young and unaccomplished.
Eleanor: Fair enough.

Eleanor: So, in this whole other timeline, Chidi and I said "I love you" to each other. But he doesn't remember any of that happened, so I guess my question is, when is the right time to tell someone you were passionate lovers in an alternate timeline in the afterlife but he doesn't remember because technically none of that happened in this strand of the multi-verse?
Tahani: [sighs]
Eleanor: You know what? I'll just check with Yahoo Answers. I'm sure someone's weighed in.