Simone Garnett Quotes Page 1 of 2

Quote from The Snowplow

Eleanor: Why did I do that?
Simone: OK, here's my guess. As humans evolved, the first big problem we had to overcome was "me versus us". Learning to sacrifice a little individual freedom for the benefit of a group. You know, like sharing food and resources so we don't starve or get eaten by tigers, things like that.
Eleanor: OK, with you so far.
Simone: The next problem to overcome was "us versus them". Trying to see other groups, different from ours, as equals. That one, we're still struggling with. It's why we have racism and nationalism, and... why fans of Stone Cold Steve Austin hate fans of The Rock.
Eleanor: No, we hate The Rock because he went Hollywood and Stone Cold keeps it real, so The Rock's fans are the real jabronis. Point made. Keep going.
Simone: Well, what's interesting about you is... I don't think you ever got past the "me versus us" stage. I mean, have you ever been part of a group that you really cared about?
Eleanor: I was in the Girl Scouts.
Simone: Really?
Eleanor: Technically, I joined under a fake name because I wanted to steal a bunch of cookies.
Simone: See? The Brainy Bunch is basically the first group that became part of your self-identity and now that's breaking up, you're feeling this new kind of loss. And you're scared of going back to being alone. I mean, that's just my guess. The other possible medical diagnosis is that you're just a bit of a dick.

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Quote from A Girl from Arizona (Part 1)

Eleanor: Hey, Simone, everything okay?
Simone: Yeah, well, no... Well, actually, it doesn't matter. None of this is real.
Eleanor: Sorry?
Simone: I'm a neuroscientist, so I get what's going on here. You know, clearly, I was in some kind of horrible accident, I'm on my deathbed, and this entire thing is just a hallucination constructed by my damaged brain as it slowly shuts down. It's not real, so I'm just gonna wander around until I wake up or die. See ya later, figments of my imagination!
Eleanor: She's just gonna go get some popcorn from the... river. There's a popcorn river. I'll show you guys later. Uh, she said keep going without her, so let's roll it. Janet, make a popcorn river. Everyone else, meet at Mindy's in ten minutes.

Quote from A Girl from Arizona (Part 1)

Eleanor: Hey, there, Simone. Shoving people in the pool, huh?
Simone: Yeah, just testing the laws of physics here in my nonsense brain jail. Who's this?
Eleanor: Uh, this is Chidi Anagonye. He was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy, so I figured he might be able to help...
Simone: Chidi Anagonye, that sounds so familiar. Where did you teach?
Chidi: St. John's University in Sydney.
Simone: Of course! I used to teach there. I must've seen his name on the faculty list and now my dying brain is just leaking out random information. Oh, the human mind is truly incredible! [sings] I want something else To get me through this Semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby
Chidi: Look, sorry, uh, what... what's happening now?
Simone: When I was a kid, my CD alarm clock broke and it used to wake me up to that song every day, so now I'm singing it to try and wake myself up.
Chidi: Okay, well, nice meeting you.
Simone: Nice to meet you too, cute guy generated by my rapidly decaying temporal lobe. [vocalizes]

Quote from A Chip Driver Mystery

Eleanor: How's it going, ladies?
Simone: Oh, you know, just delving into the great works of literature.
Eleanor: Yeah, so, listen, um... Maybe Brent made some insensitive choices, but could you possibly see your way to forgiving him?
Tahani: I suppose...
Simone: No.
Eleanor: No?
Simone: Sorry, but no, I can't. This book is objectifying, misogynistic, and racist. Why are we still dealing with this shirt in the Good Place? When people like him are ignorant jerks, why are people like us asked to forgive him? Also, and this is less important, why is he in a fighter jet for his author photo?
Eleanor: Well, I can answer the last one. It's because he loves Top Gun. As for the other questions, I will get back to you after I consult a number of immortal beings who are very wise.

Quote from A Chip Driver Mystery

Chidi: I just wish I could get through to the guy. I wonder if he'd respond to some Social Contract Theory.
Simone: Why are you trying to help him? He doesn't even know you exist. He doesn't see other people.
Chidi: I mean, he did call me a four-eyed coward who probably dry humps books. But why not be a bigger person and rise above it?
Simone: I'll tell you why. Because doing that sends a message that it's okay to be treated this way. And it's not okay to treat anyone that way. Not Tahani, not me, not even you, Igby.

Quote from A Girl from Arizona (Part 2)

Chidi: Hi, Simone. Uh, Chidi. From the other night.
Simone: Oh! Wow. My brain must really like keeping you around. Have a fake seat and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist.
Chidi: Right, um... So, if I understand your state of mind, it's basically solipsism. You think that you're the only real thing in the universe, and everything else stems from your consciousness.
Simone: Yes, but to be fair, I only think that because it's true and I'm right.

Quote from Help Is Other People

Simone: I've been suspicious about this place since day one. Over the last few months, I've been collecting data, and now I am positive, something is truly forked up.
Chidi: You didn't tell me about any of this, muffin.

Quote from Help Is Other People

Simone: There's nothing here. Did you find anything?
Chidi: Just some song lyrics that Michael wrote. "Here's a trippy little ditty 'bout a train to Groovy City. Open up your freaky crystal mind and we'll have a cosmic good time."
Simone: See, that makes me think we're in hell.

Quote from The Snowplow

Eleanor: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, don't go. You're a brain scientist. Can you tell me why I did that in there?
Simone: I mostly do clinical research in neuroscience. I don't really specialise in temper tantrums. Maybe you need a child psychologist, or a binkie?
Eleanor: That's a solid burn. I deserved it. I did. But please, can you help me?

Quote from Pandemonium

Eleanor: So, as a neuroscientist, are you surprised there's an afterlife?
Simone: I am, frankly. I mean, there's a decent chance this entire thing is just a complex electro-chemical reaction caused by my synapses randomly firing in the millisecond after my death. But this fro-yo is amazing, so I'm just gonna roll with it.
Eleanor: What flavor did you get?
Simone: I got a twist. Half strawberry, half male-coworker-gets-called-out-for-stealing-your-ideas.
Eleanor: Ooh, those go great together.

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