Dorothy Zbornak Quotes Page 1 of 92

Quote from The Way We Met

[flashback:]
Rose: I'll make it up to you, Dorothy, I promise. Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep, I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya."
Dorothy: Rose, I don't know what to say. Yes, I do. Don't ever do that.

Quote from Rose the Prude

Dorothy: Honey, lean over a mirror some time and take a look at yourself.
Blanche: Where's a mirror?
Sophia: There's one in the tool drawer.
Dorothy: I think you'd better take a sedative before you look.
Blanche: Don't be silly. I look at my face all the time. How different could it be leaning over? Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Dorothy, why didn't you tell me about this before?
Dorothy: Only on your back, Blanche. That way everything slides back and you look like you just had a face lift.
Blanche: Oh, you're right. I'm gorgeous. I'm gonna have to meet men lying down.
Sophia: I thought you did.
Dorothy: Of course that way, not only does your face fall back, but your chest does too. Unfortunately, it falls back and off to the side.

Quote from Fiddler on the Ropes

Blanche: It sure would be nice to have some investments to fall back on, though. I just never had a mind for that.
Dorothy: Me neither. I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.
Rose: Did he have a head for numbers, Stanley?
Dorothy: The man used to have to get naked to count to 21.

Quote from Sister of the Bride

Clayton: Blanche, we don't have to worry about what the world thinks about our relationship. It just doesn't matter, because we're there for each other. I'd do anything for Doug, and he'd bend over backwards for me.
Dorothy: [covers Sophia's mouth and pulls her close] Sometimes I just love to hug my mommy.

Quote from Valentine's Day

[flashback:]
Blanche: Well, we are going away for a romantic weekend to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
Rose: What kind of protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about, uh...
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Rose: Dentu-Grip?
Dorothy: Condoms, Rose. Condoms, condoms, condoms!

Quote from Sick and Tired: Part 2

Dorothy: Dr. Budd, I came to you sick. Sick and scared. And you dismissed me. You didn't have the answer. And instead of saying, "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with you," you made me feel crazy, like I had made it all up. You dismissed me. You made me feel like a child, a fool, a neurotic who was wasting your precious time. Is that- Is that your caring profession? Is that healing? No one deserves that kind of treatment, Dr. Budd, no one. I suspect, had I been a man, I might have been taken a little bit more seriously and not told to go to a hairdresser.
Dr. Budd: Look, I am not going to sit here anymore-
Helen Budd: Shut up, Lewis.
Dorothy: I don't know where you doctors lose your humanity, but you lose it. You know, if all of you at the beginning of your careers could get very sick and scared for a while, you'd probably learn more from that than anything else. You'd better start listening to your patients. They need to be heard. They need caring, they need compassion. They need attending to. You know, someday, Dr. Budd, you're gonna be on the other side of the table, and as angry as I am, and as angry as I always will be, I still wish you a better doctor than you were to me.

Quote from Rose the Prude

Dorothy: Oh, it was a terrible time for me. You know, I'd gone on an eating binge when Stan left and I put on quite a bit of weight. Plus, I was not a 20-year-old. You know, when you're 20, no matter what you do, everything stays where it's supposed to. Now, when you lean over, it looks like somebody's let the air out of your face.

Quote from A Midwinter Night's Dream

Dorothy: Oh, come on, Ma. That's superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back.
It doesn't work. I know. I tried.

Quote from Stand by Your Man

Dorothy: Well, of course I had a pet. Remember, Ma? I was six years old, and I wanted a pony?
Sophia: Not the pony thing again.
Dorothy: She promised me a pony. She swore I'd get a pony. She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus. The kind you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.
Rose: And that was your pet?
Sophia: They're very clean.
Dorothy: Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one, which I believed, because why would a mother lie? So every day, I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.
Rose: How does a paper bird die?
Dorothy: Good question. Someone used it to restart the pilot light.

Quote from The Way We Met

[flashback:]
Dorothy: You know, until I met you, Rose, I didn't know that people actually talk back to their Rice Krispies.

Quote from Ebbtide's Revenge

Father Salerno: Folks, to begin this part of the service, Phil's sister, Dorothy, will say a few words. Dorothy. Please don't take this wrong, but I've got to know. You are a girl, aren't you?
Dorothy: Seems like I'm always mad at my brother Phil. I was mad the day my parents brought him back from the hospital. I thought he'd take their love away from me, and instead, their love expanded and we felt more like a family. I was mad at him when I was ten and he was four and we moved to a new neighborhood. I was mad because he always made new friends more easily than I did. And I'm mad today, because I never wanted to give the eulogy at my kid brother's funeral. I'm mad because he died. He didn't have the wisdom to know that family members shouldn't allow themselves to grow apart. Because when this day comes, they can no longer tell each other how they care. If he'd had that wisdom, he could have shared it with me and I would have known the hundreds of memories I have of just the two of us. Eating ice cream on the stoop of our building, or going through the drawers at Grandma's house, or dressing up like the Bronte sisters. How those memories fill me with joy. Why didn't you have that wisdom, Phil? Why didn't you give us a chance to tell you how much we loved you?

Quote from Second Motherhood

Blanche: Well, I just hate myself for feeling this way, but I don't want to be a mother again. I mean, it was a wonderful experience at the time, but I always thought this part of my life was supposed to be for me.
Dorothy: Honey, I understand exactly how you feel. I feel the same way. You know, at our age we should be grandmothers, not mothers. Once a week, the grandchildren come over for a visit. You cook them dinner, they spill it on the furniture. They hide under your bed. You hurt yourself looking for them. They ask you what those spots on your hands are. They tell you they love you and then just before total exhaustion sets in, they go home and become their mother's problems.

Quote from The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo

Rose: Whatever happened to her?
Dorothy: She colonized life on Venus. Rose, she was 94 when I was six. She died, you idiot.
Rose: How did she die?
Dorothy: You know, we're not sure. One night she left in her wheelchair and she never came back. The next day the neighborhood kids had a go-kart with two really big back wheels.

Quote from An Illegitimate Concern

Blanche: Why did George cheat on me?
Rose: Why does any man cheat?
Dorothy: Well, there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.
Blanche: What's the other theory?
Dorothy: Men are scum.

Quote from Rose Fights Back

Rose: Boy, life sure has a way of throwing you curve balls. When I was younger, I never would have imagined that I'd be worrying about money at this stage of my life.
Dorothy: I used to think Stan would take care of me. I mean, we didn't have much saved, but he was a darn good novelty salesman. Sounds naive now to think that I placed my hopes for the future on a bald pinhead with the morals of a maggot who made his living selling plastic dog-doo. Well, at least I'm not bitter.